


More Like Her

by secretpen28



Category: Pretty Little Liars
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-30
Updated: 2020-10-31
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 19
Words: 60,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26196610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secretpen28/pseuds/secretpen28
Summary: *COMPLETE* A story told in both the present and the past. How does one survive after a heartbreaking loss? When every aspect of your relationship is all that you can remember, how do you move forward?
Relationships: Alison DiLaurentis/Emily Fields
Comments: 12
Kudos: 13





	1. The Love We Deserve

When I look back on it all, I wonder if I deserved it. I wonder if all of my insecurities stacked one on top of another. The foul, hateful words I spoke to myself aloud and silently, unknowingly cemented the insecurities together, until I had built a wall too high and cumbersome for her to cross.

'There's no point in trying. You're just a prop.'

'She'll move on as soon as she as she finds someone better.'

'If you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror, how could she ever want to touch you?'

'What purpose do you even serve? You're a waste.'

And it repeated daily. Maybe it was because of my upbringing. Maybe it was because of the shitty people I previously called friends. Maybe it was because I had never even attempted to be with a woman before. Maybe it was because I wasn't even confident in my identity as a bisexual woman. Or maybe I deserved it.

\---

_Two Years Ago… ___

__Welp. Today was the day. Emily and I were finally meeting to discuss that genuinely awkward interaction from the week prior. I didn't even know how it happened and yet, here I was having to explain my actions. I mean, Emily was… perfect. She had a way of being that I envied and adored. She captured attention with merely her smile. She captivated entire rooms with one look in her chocolate brown eyes. But that didn't mean anything to me, did it? ____

_____ _

Walking into the Brew made the answer to my question loud and clear. It absolutely did mean something. There at a 2-person table top Emily looked up and smiled, and there was potential in that moment for me to collapse instantaneously. Her maroon v-neck baggy t-shirt paired perfectly with her white denim shorts that left nothing to the imagination when it came to her long, athletically-toned legs. I attempted to smile back without my anxiety getting the better of me, and she walked toward me, coffee in hand, to adjust for the complete lack of movement that had occurred in my legs since I entered the coffee shop minutes prior. Full minutes. 

"Hey, Ali…" her voice tapered off, indicating that she might be as nervous as I was, "I saved us a seat and got you a Vanilla Latte. I mean, unless you want to walk, or maybe just uh, have our conversation somewhere else."

"Emily, the table's fine. Thank you." I lightly interrupted and smiled sincerely back to hopefully put ease into the conversation we were about to have. 

Sitting in the chair with my back to the door, I immediately questioned what I should do with my hands. Do they go in your lap? Or is that too formal and stuck-up? Do they both go on the table? Or does that indicate more nervousness than I want to exude? Do they stay to my side, or go across my chest? No, both signs of too many emotions. Ali, snap out of it. It's just hand placement! Put your hands somewhere! Damn.

I settled on having one hand on my latte and one in my lap before beginning the conversation. "Thanks for meeting me here today. I just wanted to clear the air between us because it seems ridiculous to let a silly misunderstanding get in the way of our friendship." 

Emily scoffed, before gradually increasing the severity of her tone through her next comments, "Misunderstanding? That's what we're calling it now? A misunderstanding? And here I thought you set up this meeting to explain your side of my apparent miscues."

"Well, Emily, you know how much I love you." I said, my voice catching at the phrasing of my words, "uh, as a friend. But… and I don't know where this got twisted, but I'm not gay."

As much as I expected her reaction to be anger, her actual response was more unexpected, uncharacteristic laughter, "Really? So, over the past few months what do you consider reaching over to hold my hand during a movie? How do you explain 'Good Morning' texts? What do you call kissing my cheek every time we say 'Goodbye'? What do you think pushing back my hair behind my ear indicated, Alison? Because it sure as hell didn't indicate to me that you were as straight as they come!" 

I coughed to give myself time to process. Yes, Emily and I had been friends since 7th grade. We had been through two years of an impeccable friendship where she had been nothing but there for me throughout every up and down. But nothing about our friendship could have prepared me for her reaction. Anyone who knew Emily knew that she hated raising her voice. Being raised in a military household made her pretty adverse to harsh tones of any kind. In this moment, she spoke to me in a harshness that devastated my understanding of the entire situation. It was just an accidental kiss, right?

"I think you just misread some signs. With your dad gone and you and your mom not communicating, I think I was just trying to take care of you?"

"Okay, Alison. I'm gonna play along. How about we go back to last Tuesday? I'll tell the story from memory, and you stop me when I misread the situation."

I didn't like this idea because I hadn't reconsidered what had even happened, but I lightly nodded my head, and she began. 

"It was Tuesday, and just like any other Tuesday, you came over for dinner at my house. Me, you, and my mom. And dinner was always perfect together. We laughed. We went over our days. My mom and I had our once a week catch-up session because without you there, we tend to be two separate people living in one house. Am I getting this all right so far, Alison? Stop me any time."

"No. It's good. Keep going." I said, defeated. 

"Throughout the night, and remember Ali, this is only one Tuesday night dinner… First, you came up behind me and reached around me for the salt and pepper while pressing yourself directly against my back. You reached over at the table to hold my hand lightly while I was retelling my mom about the sucky group project I presented on the day before. You cleared my plate for me and bent down low enough so I that could clearly see your cleavage through your low-cut blouse. You scratched my back when you returned to the table…"

As she continued, my eyes started moving from hers down to the table, and then to the floor so that I didn't have to face what she was telling me. But I couldn't stop her because there was no inaccuracy in her words.

"So then, it was Tuesday, right? So, we went upstairs to my bedroom to do homework. As always, I sat on my bed, and you sat to my left on the carpet floor below me. We started working silently for about 5 or 10 minutes before I broke the silence by telling you how much it meant to me for you to always come over on Tuesday to break the tension between my mom and me. I told you about how I felt like every week after you came over, the more she tended to accept me being gay. I turned to face you sitting a few feet below me because my eyes had been staring at my comforter, and when I turned, you saw tears in my eyes. I continued pouring out my soul to you. About my dad's deployment. About how my mom emotionally shuts down when he's away so that she doesn't have to feel. How every time the doorbell rings, and it's not 5 pm on a Tuesday when she knows you're coming that she refuses to answer the door in case it is servicemen telling her that my dad is never coming home. And I continued crying, Ali. I was vulnerable and real and begging for comfort. You saw that, and from your seated position, you sat up on your knees and reached out to wipe my tears away with your thumb. You pressed gently against my left cheek and in one action, shifted my focus entirely. You hooked that same thumb on a strand of hair that had fallen and tucked it behind my ear, before using your thumb again to trace down my jawline to my chin and raise my face, so my eyes met yours."

I wish I could tell myself that didn't happen. It did. She needed comfort. She needed a friend. I opened my mouth, attempting to speak, but she continued right on past my pointless effort.

"Sue me that I leaned in and kissed you! How dare I 'misunderstand' your harmless gestures and kiss you! What a jump I made into thinking that you could potentially have feelings for me! And you know what, Alison," she said, standing up from her chair, "that kiss may have lasted less than five seconds, but if you really look back in your heart of hearts, you know you kissed me back! So, take your time. I'm not going to sort through this misunderstanding with you. I'm not going to listen to you explain how I misread every, single sign from the past year and a half, and I certainly am not going to apologize to you when half the actions were your own." She exhaled and began moving towards the door. 

"Em, wait!" I asserted, reaching back and latching onto her forearm.

Yanking her arm away, she ended conversation hastily, "No, Alison. Text me again to have this conversation when you're ready to admit that you're just as invested in me as you know I've been since 7th grade. Until then, don't even try to reach out." 

With that, she was gone, and I was stuck at a 2-person table in the middle of Rosewood, Pennsylvania trying to figure out what my next step should be now that I was utterly alone. 

\---

"BRRRING!" the school bell sounded as I jolted out of my daydream. I shook my head before looking around the room, and before I even knew it, someone was walking straight toward me.

She leaned over slightly so that she could whisper without the risk of anyone hearing, "Hey Alison, next time you decide to daydream, could you not do it while staring directly at me? You staring for over 10 minutes at me in the middle of class may start rumors of us dating again, which Paige definitely wouldn't like. Take the daydreams of your new crush elsewhere. Please."

"Yeah, sure. Of course. Sorry." I replied, but Emily was already walking away from the conversation without any clue that I was just reliving the start of our entire relationship again. The beginning of the best eight months of my life, and also, the beginning of the end.

I deserved it. Just like I deserved her anger that first time we tried to talk. Like always, I put a wall up. I surrounded myself with fake ideas of intention and desire so that I could remain comfortable. If no one could get in, then I would remain safe. I could act bitter to the outside world without any fear of them seeing the brokenness inside. But for eight months, there was a time that Emily broke through. She covered my bitterness in understanding and sheltered my brokenness from further hurt.

And when she left, I rebuilt my wall. I assured myself that every prior notion of insecurity was accurate. I spoke more harshly to myself than I ever had before, and I blocked out the world from ever getting in again.

The problem is that when you build a wall shrouded in pain and dripping with insecurity, not only do you prevent the world from getting in. Ultimately, you've just ensured that you can never even dream of getting out.

\---

A/N: Hey everyone! After the warm welcome following the other story I'm starting to post on here 'Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams', I decided to post some of my older works as well. This story was written back in 2018 so I would say that I've definitely improved in my writing since, but nonetheless, I think Emison stans deserve all the content in the world. :) This story will update twice a week, planning on Tuesdays and Fridays right now. 

This story tells Alison and Emily's past and present simultaneously and all from Alison's perspective. There is a sequel already written to this story as well, so buckle in and follow along! I would love to hear any commentary or feedback. 

Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along. 

\- secretpen28


	2. Impulse

Driving home that afternoon, I reflected back on Emily's eyes as she stared directly at me that afternoon. They were just as sincere as they had always been but were etched with a trace of something I didn't recognize from the last time I held her close to say goodbye a little over a year ago. Since then, we had arrived at a middle ground that included not speaking unless required by some aspect of school. From my perspective, finding the middle ground was simple because Emily had already drifted so far apart, but for others in and around our lives, I know that our divide led to an internal battle that neither Emily or I honestly addressed.

Walking into Spencer's renovated barn, I could only assume the turmoil rifling through my body was apparent from the way she addressed me, "What the hell happened to you today, Ali? Get visited by a ghost or something?"

I quickly glanced up to meet her dark brown eyes as she was curled up in her usual red armchair with school books already beginning to pile up around her. I hoped that if I turned my head quickly enough to meet her questioning that she would believe my next statement, "No, Spence. Nothing happened."

"Yeah, right. You really think that I don't know what you look like when you're thinking about Emily? You gotta quit doing that to yourself. She doesn't deserve an ounce of your attention." she spoke while looking directly at me, but as she finished her statement, she turned back to her work not wanting to get involved. She had found her middle ground, and it involved her trying to get me to think about Emily as little as possible.

Out of all of my friends, Spencer had been the most reliable. She stayed up at all hours of the night when I could no longer sleep in my bed alone. She wrapped her arms around me whenever my legs collapsed from the immediacy of pain. She was determined to change my focus from loss to everything that I could stand to learn being alone. She showed me empathy, and over the past year, she ensured that I knew I would never be left. Even with her kindness though, Spencer knew I was still broken. She knew that any day I could walk in and my day could've been train wrecked from something as simple as seeing them hold hands.

I sighed, sitting down on the sofa to her right, "You caught me… she talked to me for the first time in weeks, and I still don't know how she has the ability to make my heart race. Every time I think I'm almost there, she finds a way back in."

"She was your friend for over 3 years. She was your first love, and you have to see her and relive your memories daily. You can't let one conversation set you back Alison because you're going to have to be around her for over a year. She's going to talk to you again."

"I get that. I just don't like seeing her and knowing I hold at least half the blame. Maybe there was more I could've done. Maybe I could've…"

Spencer immediately stood and started walking away, "Nope. Not going there with you Ali. There's no way I'm going down this road with you again. You know that I am more than happy to help you any way I can, but there is no way in hell I'm entertaining this again."

And just like that, I was reminded that Spencer would never truly understand because she didn't live it. She could never be transported back to the nights Emily and I sat up talking about the future. She could never hear how softly Emily told me she loved me the first time, as though she was terrified by how I would reciprocate. She could never see the pain in Emily's eyes when she saw me deteriorating. She didn't understand that our emotions mirrored each other long before we were official, and she surely didn't understand why I felt so responsible…

\---

_As soon as Emily stepped foot out of The Brew, I knew I had made a colossal mistake. Yeah, the kiss was a misunderstanding that I was willing to work through but seeing Emily's face slowly break in front of me showed me how much I hadn't noticed my actions impacted how she saw me._

_Sure, I was flirty around her. I loved seeing her smile. I relished in feeling her hand squeeze around mine when we watched a romantic comedy. But as a 14-year-old who had never even been kissed before this week, it never crossed my mind that my actions would be perceived as something more._

_While sitting at the table, I texted the first person I could think of that might be able to help work through what I needed to do next. I didn't want to lose Emily as a friend, but I also needed to process through everything Emily had just stirred up in me._

**To Aria – Hey. You free right now? Can you come to The Brew?**

_Aria had always been my impartial confidante. While Spencer and Hanna frequently had opinions, especially about my life and my friendship with Emily, Aria listened first. She understood the confusion I felt anytime I was around Emily and she was willing to stay in the middle for both mine and Emily's benefit._

**From Aria – Yeah, I'll leave now.**

**From Aria – Wait. Didn't you meet Emily there like 20 minutes ago? Did she not show?**

_Another highlight of Aria's personality is that she listened so intently that nothing could get past her. I could only assume that she remembered every last detail from all the conversations that had consumed our friendship over the past years._

**To Aria – She showed up. That's kinda why we need to talk.**

_About 10 minutes later, I felt a hand on my shoulder which caused me to jump. "Oh God! Sorry about that. I didn't know you'd be here so soon!" I exclaimed standing up to hug Aria._

_Turning around, Aria was in one of her classic outfits: a short dress with black accents that hit just above her knees, always with a light leather jacket and a matching bag. She reached up to hug me and per usual, lightly stood on her tiptoes to make sure our height difference wasn't as noticeable. As soon as she enveloped me, I could feel myself starting to break down. The hard façade I had previously held for Emily began shattering around the first dose of love I had felt all day._

_"Well, hey there, beautiful!" Aria replied, rubbing her right hand up and down my back when she felt my back first heave from the tears. "Here, come on. Let's sit," she stated, letting go and grabbing the chair on the other side of the table to pull it closer to my own. She reached over and connected her left hand with my right and gave it a squeeze for me to continue._

_At that moment, I noticed something. Her hand. I had wrapped Emily's hand in my own more times than I could count but holding Aria's hand at this moment felt entirely different. Of course, my hand felt smaller and weaker in Emily's grasp, but it was more than that. Every time our hands intertwined, my heart beat a little quicker. My thoughts began racing. My eyes became entranced on Emily's every action. But with Aria, holding her hand felt as though there was no extra energy behind it and I chose to quickly let go and wipe my hand on my jeans instead of staying connected during our conversation._

_Aria noticed my hesitancy, and instead scooted her chair closer to mine before starting, "What's up? You can talk to me. Were you able to get through all you wanted to say?"_

_Through my tears, I began breathing through the words, "No… she didn't…let me say…everything."_

_"Okay. What did she say then?" Aria questioned, concerned because Emily talking more than anyone in the group was a rarity in and of itself._

_"She got angry at me. Because she doesn't understand what actually happened Tuesday."_

_"Well, Ali. What did happen?", she said, leading with her voice at the end of the question, "I know that something happened, but neither of you will talk about it to any of us."_

_So, I caught her up. I relayed the events of Tuesday to the precise detail. I confessed to maybe leading her on. I told her about Emily's tears and me wanting to comfort her. I tried to explain most of my actions leading up to Emily leaning in to kiss me. And then I admitted to kissing her back briefly before pulling away._

_"Oh, Alison…" Aria said as I finished, placing her hand on my shoulder. "So, walk me through this. How could you wiping a tear away be a sign you wanted to kiss her? I mean, I reached over to wipe a tear away earlier in this conversation. How was it different?"_

_I sighed, knowing that I was about to be caught, that I was about to have to be brutally honest with Aria. "I did this." I stated while starting to reach over, "No, wait. Can you look down to the ground a little bit?" I asked, Aria immediately following my request. "Okay, I did this." I reached over and gently pushed my right thumb against Aria's left cheek and swiped to the right until my fingers connected with her part and used my pointer and middle finger to tuck her hair behind her ear, before tracing down her jawline with thumb and fingers and lifting her chin up so her face could meet my own. As soon as Aria's hazel eyes met my own, I immediately looked away, knowing what her reaction would be._

_"Well, damn Ali. I might have kissed you too," she stated, sighing and lightly laughing at the same time._

_"It was a bad move, wasn't it?" I guiltily smiled._

_"It's a great move, but it doesn't help your case, Alison." Aria took a deep breath before continuing, "And you told her it was a misunderstanding?"_

_"Yeah…" I whispered, realizing how deeply I had just destroyed Emily. She had come out to me in 8th grade and frequently told me about her fears of liking someone who genuinely didn't want her back. She detailed to me how she never initiated a kiss first because of the fear of being rejected. I had completely screwed up. There was no way she could've been able to determine that my intentions weren't romantic because I didn't even know what my intentions were._

_"So, if it was a misunderstanding, why am I here?" Aria asked, obviously probing and becoming lightly more anxious in her seat._

_"When she left, I knew I had made a mistake." I said, looking up at Aria, who tilted her head indicating for me to continue, "I told her I wasn't gay. Which at least, I think is the truth."_

_"You think?"_

_"I mean, I've only ever liked guys Aria! How is it possible to know how I feel every time a guy I'm crushing on looks at me, but also feel that just as strongly when Emily brushes her hands through my hair? How can holding your hand feels completely platonic, but holding Emily's hand feels like I'm coming home? Why can't I stop thinking about her lips on mine, Aria? How can I still feel her hand against my cheek and wish that it would return just as quickly as it left? How is this even possible?" I exclaimed, tears returning to my eyes._

_"I hate to break it to you, Al, but it sounds like you like her. You may not understand it, and maybe you're not gay, but you can't deny Emily knowing that you feel this way. You completely shut her down today. When in reality, you are probably feeling the same way she does about this kiss that happened."_

_Those exact words were why I asked Aria to come here instead of Spencer or Hanna. She called me out on my shit without being overly aggressive or sarcastic. She made me face reality like no one else could._

_"I get it. What should I do? I know I messed up, and I have to fix it, but I don't know what I want. I like her, okay? I like Emily." I stated, deeply exhaling before continuing, "But what do I want from that? I can't completely uproot my life. I can't come out to everyone after one simple kiss. But I can't lose a friendship over me being an ass."_

_"Before you talk to her, you need to know what you want, Ali. You can't just show up out of nowhere on Monday at school and expect to have a productive conversation if you don't know what you want the outcome to be. You owe that to her."_

_"I know. I'll figure it out. I promise… Thanks for coming, Aria." I stood up, hugging her tightly before heading towards the front door._

_"Anytime. You know I just want all of us to be okay. I don't know what I would do without you guys."_

_Leaving The Brew that afternoon, I felt a little better, but even more confused. Aria had helped me realize the severity of my actions and opened my eyes to the idea of liking Emily as more of a friend. But walking into school Monday, I still knew I couldn't talk to Emily yet. I was utterly stumped as to what I wanted._

_Fortunately, I hadn't run into Emily at all on Monday until 6th period when we had English together. I had avoided the cafeteria like the plague and went through different hallways all day so that we wouldn't have to pass one another. But watching her walk into English sent my heart directly to my stomach. Her jeans and simple black t-shirt were nothing to write home about, but she had to have intentionally worn that hat. Her all-white snap-back was backward on her head with her straight, long black hair flowing down past her shoulders, sending shivers down my spine. She knew I loved that hat and as minuscule as it was, she was teasing me. I knew it._

_She never glanced my way throughout the entire class, and I tried to keep my eyes on the page as much as possible. Walking out of class though, I spent some extra time putting things in my backpack so that we wouldn't have to interact and when I looked up, our eyes connected. She quickly coughed and began walking out of the room, hoping that I hadn't noticed, and, in that moment, I knew what I wanted. I knew what I needed to do._

_I spent the next 24 hours formulating my thoughts, working out every single detail of what I wanted to say. I was brutally honest with myself and tried to keep my breathing intact throughout the day when we passed each other in the hallway. It wasn't until that night when my breath started lapsing, and as I rang the doorbell of her home like I did every Tuesday at 5, I could tell she wasn't expecting me as she opened the door._

_"Hey there, Em. Can I come in?" my heart immediately dropping when I saw her._

\---

"Spence, I know I can't go back to that train of thought, but I also can't ignore that I still have feelings for her. If they haven't left in over a year, they're not leaving any time soon."

"You can't do anything about that though, Ali." she continued, sighing, "If you act on anything, you're just as bad as Paige. I get that you feel like you never got closure, but you can't let that prevent you from moving on."

"Is it really so terrible for me to want closure? Everyone keeps telling me to move on, but I don't even know what really happened. I get that Emily felt lost in our relationship because of me, but I still don't know what happened with her and Paige before we broke up. I don't know what I did to deserve her leaving me. I need to know how to fix myself to move on."

"Alison, you don't have to fix anything. Emily's the one who should feel guilty in this scenario. She broke your heart without much warning and hasn't even checked in on you in months. She doesn't get that you needed more from her than what she gave you in the end and I can only assume that she thinks you're fine…" she said, trailing off.

"Wait. Spencer. Rewind there. What do you mean "checked in on me"?" I inquired as I watched Spencer immediately gulp and turn her back away from me in her galley kitchen. "In months? We've been broken up for over a year. Tell me what the hell is going on, Spence! You and Emily don't even talk anymore! You hate her for what she did!"

Replying with far less force than she just had, Spence started, "Of course I hate her. She destroyed you. But a few weeks after you all broke up, Emily started texting me. She wanted to make sure you were okay. She apologized to me for all that she said, and we started texting every few weeks so that she could check in on you."

"She apologized to YOU? To you? And you have talked to her for the past year without letting me know! To my face, you ridiculed her actions and their relationship and then were buddy-buddy anytime she needed an update? Really?"

"When you put it that way, it sounds terrible. But she just wanted to make sure you weren't depressed or anything. You guys were friends first."

"But you made me think she was gone forever, Spencer! You made me think she completely abandoned me never to reach out again!" my voice started raising, hate dripping from my words.

"I was protecting you, Ali. I knew she would stop. How would it have felt to know she cared about how you were for a year and then just completely stopped reaching out? You would've been heartbroken all over again!" Spencer replied, walking closer to me.

"But that would've been my choice to make! It wasn't yours to make for me! I gotta go. See you whenever." I stated, grabbing my bag from the couch and stomping out of the barn. Spencer's voice could be heard faintly behind me as I walked out the door.

Tears falling from my eyes. My heart racing from the absurdity I had just heard. My teeth seething. How could they? I needed answers, and I needed them now. Without even thinking twice, I pulled out my phone and texted the only person that could fill in the rest of this story.

**To Emily – Sorry for the random text, but I'm coming over. I'll be there in 5.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **A/N: Alright, so there's Chapter 2! I actually love how this turned out and enjoy breaking up the present with memories of the past.**
> 
> **Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along. Thanks for all the support and see you Friday with the next chapter which is full of Emison fluff and angst! :)**
> 
> **\- secretpen28**


	3. The Beginning

Pulling up to Emily's house, I only saw her car in the driveway letting me know that neither her mom or Paige were probably home. I walked up to the door and knocked three times. It was quickly opened by Emily in the same outfit she was wearing earlier in the day aside from her black sneakers, which were always discarded promptly after she walked through the door.

"Hey, this is a surprise. Come in and sit." Emily stated, opening the door and sweeping her arm to let me in. Her voice was steady and stoic.

I walked through the front door and sat down on the far side of her living room couch, while Emily took her place on a chair across the room from me. I took a deep breath before beginning, "Hey. I'm just coming from Spencer's..."

"Figures..." Emily interrupted, sighing before readjusting her shirt and lightly changing how she was seated, "So, why are you here, Alison? We haven't spoken in weeks, but then for some reason, you stare at me incessantly in History today, and after me asking you to please stop and stay away, you show up at my house with less than 5 minutes notice."

"I get that this isn't necessarily your idea of an ideal day, but I heard something today from Spencer, and I needed you to be honest." I paused, causing Emily to pick up her glass of water before I continued, "Why did you break up with me without ever contacting me again?"

With water still in her mouth, Emily briefly choked at my question, "What?"

Keeping my eyes focused on her, I repeated spacing out my words a little more this time, "Why did you break up with me without ever contacting me again?"

"Yeah, I got it. Let's see, how do I phrase it?" she took a long time to formulate her thoughts, "Alison, I didn't contact you because I had already hurt you enough. I know you said that I shouldn't beat myself up over it, that "emotionally cheating isn't the same as physically cheating," but I still saw your eyes a year ago. I still felt your heart break in my hands and apologizing to you would mean I was wrong. I couldn't contact you because I've still never forgiven myself." she finished her thoughts and immediately started drinking more water, turning her focus to the ground instead of my shocked face.

"Okay, wasn't expecting that answer." I trailed off before remembering why I came here in the first place, "That question wasn't why I'm here though. I guess it's because it had multiple parts. If you didn't reach out to me, why did you reach out to Spencer instead? Why did you text her multiple times a month to check in on me when I was right there, too? How were you able to apologize for all the shit you said to Spencer, but you can't apologize for the hell you put me through the last two weeks we were together?"

Once finished with that little tirade, I realized I was now standing, and my voice had risen a little too loudly for my comfort. It reminded me too much of the last time I was here. So, I quickly paced to the kitchen, opened up the usual cabinet, and began filling a cup with water.

Emily followed behind me and sat at a barstool. Her face looked frustrated and had dropped significantly in color since I started talking. She waited until I had turned back around to close the cabinet before she continued, "Ali, how did we get here? How in the world did we go from freshman year to now? Where did we go wrong?"

And in that moment, I realized she reflected on our relationship just as much as I did…

* * *

_"Hey there, Em. Can I come in?" my heart immediately dropping when I saw her._

_She stepped outside onto the porch closing the door behind her, "Alison, what the hell are you doing here?" Okay, so she was still upset at me. Noted. I'll change that._

_"It's Tuesday…" I paused as if me being here was entirely expected._

_Still looking flabbergasted and stepping around so that we were standing directly in front of each other perpendicular to the door, she replied, "I already told my mom you had a family thing."_

_I reached across her body and opened the door, "Then, we'll tell her it got canceled. Come on." I was already determined to make it through dinner so that just Emily and I could talk, so some measly excuse wasn't stopping me now. "Mrs. Fields! Happy Tuesday!" I exclaimed walking inside._

_"Alison! What a surprise!" she walked towards me with open arms, "Emily, get a place set for Alison." Emily nodded silently as her mother continued, "I'm so happy you could be here! Emily told me that your family had decided to go out tonight?"_

_"Yeah, I thought that was the plan too, but my dad ended up working late, so we pushed it back to later this week, and I didn't want to miss this if I didn't have to!"_

_We quickly sat down, ate, and caught up as usual. As we moved throughout the evening, I could still feel Emily trying to figure me out from the long side of the table. She was participating, but as though it was from behind a screen. A screen that she most likely put up after our conversation three days ago._

_While clearing the dishes, I walked around to Emily's side and quietly asked, "So Em, could we maybe go for a walk?"_

_Muttering back to me, she stated, "I told you to text me when you wanted to talk."_

_"I'm sorry for not preparing you better then, but I'm ready to talk. I need just 10 minutes, please." I stated, while lightly tracing my hand down her arm._

_She pulled away and started walking towards to door to put on her shoes, "Mom, Alison and I are going for a walk. We should be back soon."_

_I raced to the front so that I could grab the doorknob and open the door for Emily. She smiled lightly and started slowly walking out the door, as I closed it behind me to catch up next to her. "Thanks for walking with me, Em, and uh, all I can say is sorry. I am so sorry for what I said Saturday. I didn't get it. Right after you left, I knew I had made a mistake."_

_"A mistake? Just like our kiss? Just like us meeting up this weekend?" she snapped back, as we found our way to a bench just off of a park near her house._

_"No, Emily. None of that was a mistake. The mistake was shutting you down without trying to understand what you were saying. It was so wrong of me to assume your perception of our kiss. It made you defensive and ruined our conversation from the start. I want to start that conversation over… if you'd let me." I began trailing off waiting for Emily for pick up where I had stopped._

_"Ali, when I saw you this weekend, I just want you to know that I wasn't expecting anything. I felt terrible about initiating a kiss you maybe weren't ready for, but what I hated was that you weren't honest." Her voice was uncertain and registered barely above a whisper._

_"I know. I owed you so much more than that." I stated, starting to get nervous while reaching my left hand toward her right stopping right before touching hers remembering what she said over the weekend, "Could I hold your hand while we talk? Sincerely?" she simply nodded as I laced my fingers in hers, immediately feeling a difference between her touch and anyone else's. "So, to be completely honest with you, right after you left, I texted Aria. I texted her because I knew how badly I had screwed up as soon as I watched you walk out that door. She helped me process a lot because I think last week just made me mentally shut down. I couldn't understand or make sense of what I was feeling."_

_After that statement, I paused to take a breath and Emily slid her thumb in between our hands to trace the inside of my palm, permitting me to continue and letting me know it was okay. "Emily, it was never my intention to lead you on. I guess I just saw you smile and laugh when I touched you or when I lightly flirted, and I never really considered the impression it would leave. When it started, I did it to see you smile, but I continued because of how you reciprocated." I squeezed her hand, while continuing, "Like tracing my palm right now or being willing to meet me halfway in initiating that kiss. It wasn't what I thought I wanted, but it's exactly what I needed. You didn't misinterpret anything Emily; I just didn't know how to process it all. I'm so sorry for letting you down this weekend. Forgive me, please."_

_Looking up from the ground, her eyes were brimming with tears, "Of course I forgive you, Alison. You know how hard the past year has been. Being one of the first people out in Rosewood, I never know whether someone being kind is just kindness, or something more. So, you just hit on a nerve because I truly thought I misunderstood everything I had been feeling for you."_

_"No, that was just me, and in the spirit of honesty, I need to have the hard part of this conversation now." I gulped lightly, as Emily squeezed my hand looking directly at me, "Our kiss wasn't a mistake. It was perfect, and I don't regret at all. But Em, I'd be lying to you if I said I knew where to go from here. I am struggling to see us as a couple because we've been friends for so long."_

_Looking up at Emily's eyes, I could tell she was confused. Here I was holding her hand and pouring out my soul, but still not saying what she wanted me to. It was the hardest part of the conversation I practiced over and over again in my head, so I continued after sighing, "See, you are the only woman I've ever cared for Emily, and I don't know if it's because we're truly best friends or because it's something more. I can't tell if it's an anomaly or fate, and I don't know what to do. I need your help for that part… is that okay?" My voice trailed off, and I let go of her hand, hoping that she wasn't incredibly upset with me._

_"Well Alison, I understand that. I remember realizing I thought a girl was cute back in 1st grade and I was terrified. Of course, we can talk about it." she paused and scooted closer to me on the bench so that she could put her arm around me and I could lean into her chest. "Okay. So, where are we at? We both care about each other, right?" she asked, as I nodded into her heartbeat, "And we're both terrified of initiating something and ruining the friendship we already have? I mean, I think the answer's pretty simple, Ali."_

_I tilted my head back further against her chest so that I could make eye contact with her wondering how she could've magically found a solution when after racking my brain for days, I hadn't thought of anything._

_"I'm just going to have to take you out on a date this weekend," she replied very matter-of-factly, causing me to immediately turnaround from where I was seated so that I could look directly at her again. "If we're going to figure out if this is something or not, we can't do it in a setting that is normal to us. We need to break to norms. I actually need to take you out. Would you be okay with that?"_

_Sure. I had considered the potentiality of a date. It was one of my first ideas, in fact. But that was terrifying. Going on a date with Emily meant risking something. It meant risking the life I already knew how to live for one that I was unsure of. It meant leaping towards an uncertainty, and Alison DiLaurentis doesn't do uncertainties._

_Emily sensed my apprehension and interrupted my train of thought, "How about you think about it as you walk me back home?" As we began walking back, she continued, "What's holding you back, Al?"_

_I shook my head saying, "You know you make me incredibly nervous, right?"_

_At that Emily tossed her hair back and laughed so boisterously that I had no choice but to go weak at the knees. Her laugh reminded me that this moment was exactly where I needed to be. "I didn't think it was possible for you to be nervous. The way you carry yourself and hold your own is so breathtaking and unbelievable." she stated, linking her hand back with mine, "But I know you're nervous which exactly why I need you to go on a date with me this weekend. Will you do that for me? Will you try, for me?" she smirked in a way that questioned my initial confusion._

_It's true. Alison DiLaurentis doesn't do uncertainties. But what about Emily was uncertain? I knew everything about her. I could read every emotion on her face. I knew the differences between every laugh, and smile, and tear. She wasn't uncertain. She was the only thing I knew better than myself. I had to trust her sincerity. I had to leap. I had to fall and risk losing everything because Alison DiLaurentis alone may not do uncertainties, but for Emily Fields, I was bound to make an exception for just about anything._

_Stepping up to her door, I knew I had to give her an answer, "Let's do it, Em. You're worth the risk." Without hesitation, I leaned in to place a gentle kiss on her cheek, leaving my lips one second too long on her skin hoping that it may cause a light tingle as I backed away._

_Emily stepped backward to open her door still smiling, "Okay… I'll text you. Can't wait for this weekend."_

_I turned around to walk back to my car but looked back once more only to witness her still staring directly at me, her hand on the cheek I had just kissed. I smiled the entire way home dreaming of everything our date and potential future may entail. It has always been my assumption that that exact smile stayed on my lips permanently for the next eight months, only to never return again._

* * *

Being able to remember where our relationship started made Emily's questions sting that much more. How did we get here? How did I go from seeing only sincerity in her eyes to not even recognizing them earlier today? How did Emily go from being so self-assured in our future to now questioning our downfall entirely?

"We broke, Ali." Emily stated, breaking my train of thought, "We lost ourselves, so we lost each other. There's nothing we could've done."

"You think so? You think there was nothing? It was inevitable?"

"Maybe…"

"You know, the Emily I loved wouldn't have thought that. She would've fought for every single day she thought we lost because she was so certain in our relationship's promise!" I said, finishing my water and placing my glass in the sink. I could start feeling the need to escape inside of me. I knew where this was headed, and I needed to leave. Now.

"Alison? What are you talking about? I fought so long for you…for us! You shut down. You let everything else going on in your life and going on around us affect who we were! I couldn't even get to you if I tried, and I tried so hard right before the end." she finished, beginning to choke back tears through her words.

I was halfway to the door, but turned back around to say my last piece, "You're right, I was shut down! But you gave up on me, Em! You. Gave Up. On Me. You know I won't go there because I promised you last time that I would never go there again, but you gave up. The one person I needed to be able to recover from everything around me, never came back. So, I never did recover Emily, I never have! I'm still the same hopeless and terrified 15-year-old you left behind a year ago! This is ridiculous. I have no idea why I came here. I don't need your damn apology! Sorry for showing up unannounced. Won't happen again."

Tears began to pour the moment my feet hit concrete. I had no idea how to answer any of Emily's questions because there was no exact answer. Emily and I were as lost about our past as we were uncertain about our future from here. It's true, I may have never recovered from her leaving me, but one thing definitely had changed since when I first agreed to go on a date with Emily, now a little over two years ago...

I, Alison DiLaurentis, _still_ don't do uncertainties. But this time, there was no way in hell I was going to make an exception for Emily Fields.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I'm actually super proud of this chapter because I think it shows different aspects in which both Emily and Alison have grown and declined from the beginning of their relationship til now. What do you guys think will happen next? Will Alison come around? And what in the world did Emily do for their first date? Let me know your thoughts! 
> 
> Next chapter on Tuesday! Enjoy your weekend! :)
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	4. Onset of Panic

I hadn't had a panic attack in years, but driving away from Emily's, I knew exactly what was happening. Though I was only minutes away from my house, I could feel my hand instinctively trying to get myself out of the moving car as the 4-door Civic was becoming far too small for the space my lungs needed. I pulled over and immediately leaped out, so I could stand on the sidewalk to try and get a decent gasp of air. Panic attacks have always felt so irrational to me because my brain loses the ability to control itself. Half of it was swarming with questions ranging from reasonable to pure doomsday, while the other half was attempting to calm the side freaking out down using tactics that can only be described as futile. Sitting down on the curb, I placed my head between my legs and started trying to take as deep of breaths as I could to regain some semblance of sanity within me.

"Alison?!" a voice called from a passing car, causing my head to snap directly towards the red car slowing down next to me. I chuckled as soon as we made eye contact because, with this addition, today had to be a freak dream that would wake me up at any moment.

"Aria…" I trailed off. Unlike Spencer, who may have spoken to Emily off and on over the past year but was forever there for me, Aria dropped Emily and me both as soon as she realized the havoc our breakup would cause. She never was one to insert herself into drama, but the veracity with which she ignored me reaching out for help was astounding. Despite many attempts on my side, Aria and I hadn't spoken for at least six months.

"Are you doing okay? Did your car break down? Do you need help?" she sincerely questioned. The scoff I replied back with must have been perfectly interpreted because she continued, "Okay, I get it. I'm the last person you want to be seeing right now. But are you okay?"

Thoroughly pissed off at this point, I replied, "Don't give yourself the satisfaction of thinking _you're_ the last person I'd want to see. That's putting you far too high up on the list, Ar."

"Okay… great. So, you're not okay. Got it. Want to go talk about it?" she questioned, leaning over to open the passenger's side door.

It was impossible for my brain to think what with the subsiding panic attack and the realization that the sun hadn't even set on this hell of a day. What was Aria even suggesting? Why did she care now? And with all the shit scrambling in my head, before I knew it, I had hopped into Aria's car.

Aria seemed just as surprised as I was as she asked her next question, "Have you eaten dinner yet, Ali?" I continued staring out the window as she drove into the town square and pulled up at a local restaurant, "Come on. Let's go grab a bite."

Trust me. It wasn't lost on me that Aria had been the key person in my life to lead me to Emily, and now here she was when I had so many more questions that needed to be answered. She grabbed us a table, and we sat down with only silence between us.

"What happened, Alison? I know that I haven't been around for you, and you owe me nothing, but I would never just leave you on the side of the road like that. So, let's talk about whatever is bugging you and then we each get back to our lives. Okay?"

I hated the condescension streaming from her words. There was an attempt at showing she cared, but it was laced with the understanding that her life was far better without me in it, so she intended for it to stay that way.

"You wouldn't believe me even if I tried to explain it…" I muttered dejectedly, hoping that if I just talked to her the sooner she would take me back to my car.

"Try me. I haven't let you down yet!" she exclaimed, before quickly correcting herself, "I mean, you know what I mean… I've always been honest and forthright with you."

"I get it…" I took a deep breath, feeling insanely stupid for the next sentence I was about to utter, "Emily and I got into a fight today."

"Woah. Throwback." She stated, laughing lightly.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this was different. I was seeking closure and answers, and I didn't accomplish either of those things."

"Okay…" she replied, thinking deeply about her next words, "Did it go the way you wanted?"

"Not exactly," I said, starting to open up a little bit more, as I had forgotten how well Aria listened and responded to people baring their souls to her. "I would've liked to have come to an actual resolution, but she did apologize to me which was a first."

"That's a start! Let's backtrack though because you seriously looked in pain on the side of the road earlier and so I get that the conversation at some point went south. But what went well?"

"I don't think much did regarding the conversation, but I did talk to Emily today without my heart racing, or fumbling over my words, or anything like that. I think that I was too angry to let her get to me."

"Get to you?"

"Yeah. Since our break up, she could sway how I feel at any given time super easily. After that conversation, I'm upset, but it's because I deserve to be. It's not because of something she did or didn't say. It's because I rightfully got screwed in the situation."

"From my perspective, that's a ton of growth, Ali." She stated before drifting off, noticing that my facial expression had become increasingly puzzled instead of more content.

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, she's always had power over you. Emily was your first everything, Alison. You had nothing to compare it to, so it made it so she had more power over you and your emotions than you'd ever let anyone else have."

"Since when?"

"Since always, Ali. I could see it from the beginning. She guided you through everything: whether it be as best friends or while you were flirting or on your first dates, and even in the end. Please don't tell me you never noticed before now!"

* * *

_I had internally been freaking out since Tuesday. Emily and I had hung out countless times before now, so what was different? Did the label of "a date" really impact my reaction to it that dramatically? Okay, yes, it was my first date, my first date with a girl, and my first date with Emily all wrapped up into one, but I had nothing to worry about. I knew that she would take care of me. She always did._

_With 30 minutes to spare, I quickly changed into Emily's recommended attire for the evening which she stated as simply 'casual.' Knowing that casual for me versus casual for Emily would be two entirely different things, I did the best I could considering the last time I walked out of the house in pants was probably over a month ago. I chose to wear some white capri pants so that I was casual enough without wearing jeans. Even the thought of jeans led to a light shudder down my spine. I paired the bottoms with a flowy, low-cut, flowered blouse. Overall, the outfit hit me perfectly: just enough cleavage, a little tight around the hips to make my ass look great, and it was me enough that I didn't feel like I was dressing too out of character. I kept my makeup simple with some light eyeliner, eye shadow, and lipstick because, knowing Emily, she probably wouldn't be wearing makeup at all._

_As if right on cue, the doorbell rang as I was racing down the stairs. Standing at the door, I knew that this moment was a new beginning. I looked back at the seemingly always empty house that resembled a picture of all aspects of my current life. It was a life on pause that maybe Emily could fill with more happiness than I could ever imagine. I took one deep breath, knowing my future was on the other side and then opened the door._

_Emily's genuine beauty never failed to astound me. Emily had all of her hair draped over her left shoulder and was wearing a burgundy v-neck with a gorgeous pair of jeans along with some combat boots. She had minimal make-up on, but more than that she was lightly biting her lip as I opened the door which always made me go weak in the knees._

_"Hey, there," Emily stated while walking towards me to give me a hug and a kiss on the cheek._

_"Hey yourself… What are we doing tonight?" I questioned as we started walking down my sidewalk._

_"Well, **that** … is still a surprise." We walked for a few seconds silently before Emily continued, "Ali, are you still nervous about this? Be honest. It's just me."_

_"Of course I'm still nervous," I replied, beginning to look down. "A lot is riding on tonight for me… for us. I just want it to go well, and I think I've just talked it up so much in my head that I've turned myself in a wreck."_

_"Okay, then let's take away the pressure of it." Emily stopped dead in her tracks, causing my head to turn back toward her. "Is this okay?" she asked, stepping forward and putting her arm around my waist with her hand on my lower back. I nodded, stepping forward as well and placing my hand lightly on her cheek._

_Before I knew it, Emily's lips were on my own. I could feel her hand lightly pulling away from my back, trying to ensure that I was comfortable every step of the way. I took my other hand and placed it over hers to press it tighter to my hip, before making our kiss deeper. Emily sighed into my mouth as she traced her hand around my waist to link her fingers in my belt loops bringing me even closer to her. I smiled leaning away from her as we joined hands._

_"Wow. Okay…" I reflected._

_"Did that help, Ali?" she asked, rubbing her thumb on the outside of my hand._

_"I think so… How'd you know it would?"_

_"I guess I just figured that you were probably as nervous as I was to kiss you again, so why not get it over with and enjoy the rest of the night together?"_

_"Well, it was a genius idea, Em." I smiled up at her._

_"Fortunately, we only have a short walk to go. This is exactly why I'm happy you listened to my casual attire request."_

_"How did I do?" I teased, spinning around so Emily could check me out as much as she wanted to._

_It definitely worked, as Emily grabbed both of my hands to pull me back close to her, "You're perfect, Ali." She said, kissing my forehead._

_How could I have ever doubted this? Why was there any part of me that waivered from allowing someone to take care of me? What in my life had gone so utterly right for her to fall into my lap when I need it most with the guarantee that she would stay forever?_

_We walked just a few minutes longer before we arrived at a picnic laid out underneath a tree. It was in a more secluded area of the central park in town which allowed us to be around others, while still taking time for ourselves._

_Sitting down against the tree, Emily and I simply began talking. I don't know how to explain it, but it felt different as if Emily had been keeping an arsenal of questions in her back pocket for this occasion. As we continued talking, Emily and I moved closer and closer to one another, until she was sitting up against the tree with her arms draped over my shoulders as I leaned against her._

_Comfortable silence covered our conversation. Emily traced her fingers up and down my right arm as I nestled into the crook of her neck._

_"So Ali… if we do this. I mean, really do this. What is something important I need to know about you that I don't already know as your friend?" she asked, breaking the silence._

_My heart sunk. I knew so many things I hid from those around me for their sakes. My problems never needed to be theirs. But if I was going to be in this, I knew what I had to do._

_"Well, there is one thing…" I replied, my voice already catching the back of my throat. Emily immediately straightened her back to make sure that her hands could link with mine as I continued speaking. "My parents are separating, Em. I mean, they've been separated… they'll probably divorce soon."_

_"Alison… why haven't you told us? You didn't have to be going through this alone."_

_"I guess part of me always hoped that it wasn't real. That at any moment, my dad would walk back through that door. I figured it was temporary, so I didn't think it would be necessary." I tried to explain, knowing that my words were failing to emphasize my pain._

_"Okay… thank you for telling me. How do you feel about it?"_

_"I'm adjusting. I don't understand how my dad could do this though. How could he put my mom through all of this right now? At least Jason is here to help take care of her, but the house is so empty. Unless I'm with all of you, I'm usually alone." I reflected, closing my eyes in hopes to block out all of the emotions steadily coursing through me._

_Emily sat up so that we were both facing each other as she asked her next question, "So what can I do to help? What will you need from me?"_

_I laced our hands, so they were back to back as I looked into her eyes, "I think I just need you to understand that sometimes I'm going to be distant. It's one of those times where some days I need to be alone, and other days I'll need to be around someone to make it through. So, I need flexibility and understanding. I think..."_

_Emily tucked a strand of hair behind of my ear whispering as she was leaning in, "Whatever you need, sweetheart…" She placed her lips gently on my own, before pulling away lightly._

_"Are you stealing one of my moves, Emily Fields?" I asked facetiously, my lips turning up into a smirk at the ends._

_She glanced back at me smiling solely with her eyes. "Why would you ever think that?" She asked leaning in again, tracing my jawline with her finger before replacing her hand with her lips, kissing slowly from my jaw down to my neck. I let out a small gasp, as she made a trail of short kisses back up my neck to my lips. Leaving one lingering kiss on me, we both pulled away smiling. "Thank you for trusting me, Alison."_

_"And thank you for always knowing exactly what I need at any given moment."_

_"Consider it my new job, Al…" she replied, leaning in one last time for another short kiss._

* * *

Looking back I knew it was never intentional. I knew that Emily only wanted to put my comfort at the forefront. I could only assume that because I was so overly cautious, we both got used to her taking the lead. She was more confident in relationships, so I trusted her in every regard.

"I guess you're right…"

"I'm sorry that I was the first one to point it out. Actually, it's one of the major reasons I split from you both during your break up. I don't think any of us approved of Emily's actions, but I couldn't stand by and watch you crumble simply based on the words she said to you. You weren't in the place to hear that though, so I didn't even try to. "

I sighed, "I respect your choice in doing that, Ar, but I really could've used you. You do realize that only Spencer showed up, right? Out of all of my friends, only Spencer. I wasn't only betrayed by Emily, Aria. I was betrayed by all of you."

"I mean, betrayed seems like a harsh word," Aria replied, her words trailing off.

I muttered back, "It's probably not harsh enough." I took another breath so that my emotions wouldn't get the best of me. "But don't worry about it, Aria. I've moved on. I think this phase of my life was just about me learning how to be alone. Thanks for being honest with me though. Better late than never."

It was palpable in our words that our friendship was destined never to be the same again. We both spoke with an undertone of aggression and a confidence that we still hadn't been fully understood by the other. We sat mostly in silence as Aria drove me back to my car and we said our goodbyes.

Lying in bed that night I realized the growth I had made from a year ago until now. I stood up against three fragmented relationships in my life and didn't back down. I spoke to Emily without fear, worry, or grief. More than anything though, I had proven to myself that I could make it through relatively alone. I didn't need Spencer Hastings. I didn't need Aria Montgomery. I damn sure didn't need Emily Fields.

And with that realization, I knew I would be okay. I was _finally_ free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Let me know what you thought by dropping a message, review, or even just passing the story on to someone else you think would enjoy it. Please remember that I'm up for any and all constructive criticism. I appreciate each and every one of you reading the story! Expect the next update on Friday!
> 
> Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	5. Actions Speak Louder

Walking into school Friday felt completely different than usual. Typically, Spencer was more than willing to be with me before class, during lunch, and for any passing period that I needed her. But because I have intentionally been avoiding her since yesterday, I knew it wouldn't be a reality for the time being. I had never walked into high school alone over the past three years, aside from the random days after Emily and I broke up that Spencer was sick, or that one day freshman year that all 4 of my best friends ended up being absent during an intense bout of the flu.

I've never understood why people like Fridays. Sure, it's the end of a week, but it's also the beginning of days on end alone for some. Not everyone is lucky enough to be able to go to the mall, or the movies, or attend any assortment of potential excursions with family and friends. For some of us, the weekend the filled with sleep, followed by anguish and boredom, followed by sleep, and then followed by boredom and glee that Monday will provide some solace from the discomfort of home.

For me, home has almost always been that way. Sometimes it's tolerable, but mostly it's a reiteration that loneliness is just my second home. From around the end of middle school, I started trying to search my memory for the first time I noticed my home life was different from my friends'. It was always small things: families eating dinner together, the way their dad would hug them and say 'I love you,' the laughs shared between siblings. These things solidified to me that something in my life was different and I began distancing myself from an attachment of any sort.

Today I was aware of the lack of attachment I had held so dear to my internal make-up. There would be no chance for me to "find someone new to sit with," or "start a random conversation with someone in one of my classes." As a junior, my reputation in high school had been solidified. I was the closed-off, lightly bitchy, bisexual, who got rid of friends faster than she could keep them. I was okay with this, but I was wary walking alone into a building that once made me so comfortable. After last night though, I was determined not to let my loneliness be a fact of my being. I would be more than just alone.

Fortunately, my day was pretty calm compared to the day before. I was able to walk from class to class without much interference. I saw Spencer a few times because our schedules overlapped at least twice during the day. We waved and smiled, but neither of us dared to speak to each other about the events of the day prior. It still gave me some hope though about the state of our friendship in the long run. I figured that I'd reach out to her at some point to get coffee tomorrow so that I at least had one thing to look forward to this weekend. Aria and I smirked at each other as we always did, and I never saw Emily until History anyways, so my day was going as could be expected.

I always made it to History earlier than Emily did as my previous class was only a few doors down from this one. Thanks to a well thought out seating chart, Emily and I were seated across the room from one another but were still placed directly in each other's line of sight. In an attempt to show that my conversation with Emily did not have a long-term effect on me as maybe my abrupt exit implied, I intentionally dressed for the moment she would most likely first see me today. Though I hated jeans, I knew Emily loved me in them. I paired those with a simple grey flowy backward choker shirt with my hair styled to a tee. I assumed that Emily would do the same because we tended to remain fairly passive aggressive in our communication after an argument, even though our relationship was long over.

With that assumption came the first shock of my day because Emily walked in with nothing that even resembled a usual outfit she would wear at school. Her black athletic leggings clashed with the baggy neon sweatshirt covering her notoriously curvy frame. Her hair was up in a messy bun, and her face did not have a trace of make-up. She looked as though she hadn't slept, spare maybe an hour. More than any of this though, her outfit was far from the attire expected of a swim team captain hours before a trial meet. As soon as she walked in, I looked around the room hoping to make eye contact with someone just as confused as I was which was pretty easy to do. Everyone who looked at Emily quickly followed it up with looking at me hoping that our eye contact or attire would indicate something radical about our non-existent relationship. People began noticing the shock on my face as well which I can only assume confused them more, but thankfully led to no one continuing to stare at me throughout the class.

Emily appeared unfazed probably because she had been receiving this reaction all day. While over the past year, my reputation had become more solidified, Emily's reputation never stuck around too long. She could become friends with anyone, participated in a variety of clubs, and overall was extremely well-liked across the board. With her influx of popularity since our break up, I could only imagine that others, like me, were going back to a time before Emily walking in like this was even a possibility. Back to a time when Emily was mine.

* * *

_The days following our first date were tenser than I could have ever expected. I had a sincere desire to both hide away forever so no one knew how much I cared for Emily, while simultaneously wishing that I could tell the world. Emily and I discussed on our first date telling the group on Friday night when we all went to Spencer's barn to hang out, but as the day got closer, the more my heart raced._

_Tuesday night after our usual Fields Family dinner, we went up to Emily's room to work out more of the details for letting the girls know. Because we hadn't yet told Emily's mom, we sat as we usually do: with Emily on the bed and me seated just below her on the floor. Emily had her left arm hanging off the bed as I traced her hand lightly with my finger, giving her palm a light kiss every few minutes._

_As I leaned over so that I could kiss each of her fingertips one by one, Emily started talking, "So Ali, how do you want to do this? I've done this before, but they may not be expecting it from you, babe."_

_Placing my chin in her hands, I looked up at Emily smiling, "I'm pretty sure Aria knew after our conversation last Saturday… did you say anything to Hanna or Spencer?"_

_"Not in any specific terms…" Emily stated, turning away, "I mean, all of them knew that I liked you well before you did."_

_I lightly slapped her wrist with the back of my hand, "What? And you didn't think you could tell me?"_

_"I was waiting for you to catch up, beautiful." She whispered while leaning down to kiss me lightly. She sighed while pulling away, "Wait. Wait. Quit getting us off track, Al. What do you need from me when we tell them?"_

_"I guess if you could just sit by me on Friday and then follow my lead?" I started to ask while standing to collect my books and place them in my bag._

_Emily stood up as well walking toward me, biting her lip, "Mmm… you want me to follow your lead, huh? I like the sound of that…" She embraced me slowly, placing her forearm around the bottom of my back before reaching her hand up to my face to hold my cheek as we leaned in to kiss._

_My hands immediately found themselves on Emily's stomach as our lips tenderly grasped for the other. Emily traced her tongue along my bottom lip as I adjusted my head to the left to deepen our embrace. Her hand on my cheek traced down my neck, then my arm, then my stomach, and down toward the bottom of my dress. Her thumb then linked underneath my dress to trace up and down my outer thigh, causing my breath to hitch and my feet to step away quickly._

_"Ss.. sorry," Emily replied, placing her arms across her chest._

_I took one step closer to her and reached out my arm to touch hers, "No, Emily. It was fine… I just wasn't expecting it."_

_She giggled lightly, "Right. Sometimes my heart forgets that my brain is supposed to take it slow. Sorry."_

_"It's okay," I stated, lightly standing on my tip toes to kiss her cheek, "I'll see you tomorrow."_

_As soon as the door opened, Emily and I went back to being "just friends" and walked me down to the front door where we said goodbye. Telling our parents and friends couldn't come soon enough._

_…_

_Emily and I decided to go to Spencer's together on Friday, and she held my hand the entire time she drove on the way there, tracing circles with her thumb. She comforted me with a sense of urgency that reminded me that Emily had never told us about girlfriends she had previously, either; they always just, sort of, happened._

_"Em, are you nervous?" I asked, glancing over at her._

_She continued looking forward as she replied, "Of course I am, Alison. This is a big step… for both of us. I just want it all to go well."_

_I sighed, "We're both in it together. We'll be perfectly okay. Okay?" We finished our conversation while pulling up into Spencer's driveway._

_As we opened the back door, laughter already filled the room placing a smile on both Emily and mine's faces._

_"Hey there, guys!" Aria turned back to say, grinning at us as we walked in._

_"I told you she already knows…" I muttered, causing Emily to smile while placing the orange juice for morning mimosas in the fridge. "Hi, ladies!" I replied back._

_We all settled into the living room as each of us picked up a slice of pizza to get the night going._

_"So, what's new with everyone?" Hanna asked, pulling her legs into her chest and looking around._

_Spencer began talking about a girl in her Math class who was trying to screw her out of a high grade on a group report, but I effectively shut my brain off to start planning how I would tell the group. I decided to trust my instinct and lightly shifted my weight to my right so that I was closer to Emily than I was to Aria on my right._

_As Spencer finished, Hanna continued, "How about everyone else?"_

_It was now or never, "Yeah, umm, I have some news…" I trailed off, coughing and looking up at Emily somewhat desperately._

_Emily scooted closer to me and began scratching my back to prompt me to continue. Aria immediately noticed and looked rapidly back into my eyes to make it appear as though she had no clue of what was about to escape my lips._

_"So… recently I… well… and Emily…" I paused again, reaching over to link our hands together, "we're… uh, dating now." As soon as I finished, my eyes immediately fell to the floor._

_"Frickin' finally!" Hanna exclaimed, jumping up out of her seat, "Spence, you got the list stashed in here somewhere, right? We gotta find out who wins the pot!"_

_Emily shot up from the couch, "What pot, guys?"_

_"You both think we didn't see this coming since last year? We put in 50 bucks each to see who could get the closest to the date you told us!" Aria replied, jumping up to follow Spencer._

_"Wait. Wait. Wait. I thought it was the date they started dating?" Spencer queried, digging her hand through a blue ceramic vase before lifting a piece of paper over her head as if to shout 'Eureka!'"_

_Aria, Emily, and Hanna all surrounded it, as Emily laughed into me while kissing my cheek._

_"Look, bitches! Right here it says 'date they start dating,' so spill!" Hanna states, looking right at both of us._

_Emily continued chuckling as she replied, "6 days ago… So, October 12th?" she looked at me for confirmation, while I nodded, pulling her hand closer to my chest._

_"Ugh, you guys are so cute! So, who got it, Spence? October 12th, 2016?" Hanna shot back._

_"Aria got it…" Spencer stated, throwing the paper on the ground. "I had it claimed for February. I knew Valentine's Day would be too cliché. Damn…"_

_"YAASS!" Aria maniacally laughed running over to kiss us both on the forehead! "Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!"_

_"Woah, when was my date again?" Hanna asked, running back to the paper on the floor. "Nooo… September 20th? Guys, I was totally the closest." She pleaded from her knees on the floor._

_"Yeah, but it was **without going over** , Han!" Aria announced back, "I knew Christmas break was a great bet! So, so, so happy!" _

* * *

I forever kept a snapshot of that moment in my mind. All of us together. All of us excited. All of us with a sense of belonging and gratitude for the friendships around us. If only I had known that we had a small handful of those moments together left. Maybe I would have stood up to dance with Aria on the carpet. Maybe I would've raced to the fridge to shake up a bottle of champagne to pop in celebration. Or maybe, just maybe, I would've wrapped Emily in my arms as we both looked out at our crazy, yet wonderful friends as they celebrated a relationship that we had apparently all been waiting for.

Leaving school that day, I reached out to Spencer who agreed to meet up with me to the next day to square away any pent-up feelings about my realization she had spoken to Emily long after our relationship was through. I was happy that some things were going to go back to normal come Monday and picked up my next phone buzz with a smile knowing that Spencer would reply with a sarcastic quip I loved. Instead, I was faced with a text from Hanna.

**From Hanna – What the hell did you talk to Emily about yesterday?**

Hanna and I surprisingly had a far better friendship than Aria and me. Whereas Aria had stopped communicating with us all together after the breakup, Hanna saw Spencer leaning toward my side and didn't want to leave Emily alone. We spoke every few weeks to catch up with one another, and our friendship was definitely not the same, but I respected and trusted Hanna with anything regarding Emily.

**To Hanna – What are you talking about?**

**From Hanna – Don't play dumb, Ali. Emily told me she saw you yesterday.**

Her tone was entirely different than the last time we spoke about catching up soon in person. It was impossible for me to tell exactly where Hanna was headed with this, but I figured that all I could do was be honest and forthcoming.

**To Hanna – Yeah, and what? We talked, and of course, it didn't end well. But it was how our conversations about our break up always go. Nothing new.**

**From Hanna – Then tell me this, Ali… why the hell would Emily quit the swim team today?**

My phone fell out of my hand and crashed to the floor. Anyone who knows Emily knows that she is synonymous with swimming. As a junior, a majority of her swim meets during this season would be viewed by scouts for scholarships, and there's no way Emily would just drop that. And there's no way that the first conversation we've had in months that happened to be about Emily giving up on me was the catalyst.

Right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And there you have it! The first scene with all four girls. The first present-day interaction with Hanna. And the first truly dramatic (in my opinion) moment of the present! Next time be prepared for conversations with at least Hanna and Spencer, but also maybe Emily, as well as more fluff scenes from the newest happy couple in Rosewood. Please share the story if you're interested, and as also, review, follow, or DM me with any praise points, questions, concerns, or criticisms! Have a great week! Next chapter on Tuesday!
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	6. Catch 22

My brain hadn't stopped spinning since yesterday afternoon. Hanna was dead set motivated to make me see how I had somehow "destroyed Emily," so she said. I still couldn't compute so many aspects of her accusation. Emily and I had talked about our break up at least three times before. Sure, our last conversation before yesterday was over a year ago, but all of my grievances had mostly been aired. Emily knew the pain I was already in the months before we broke up. She knew what it would do, didn't she?

Anyways, the shit storm continued because Hanna forced us to meet up today so that I could give her every intimate detail about mine and Emily's conversation because Emily was no longer responding to her messages. Even with me reminding her of our "don't speak about Emily to each other" clause of our friendship, Hanna insisted. I told her that Spencer and I were meeting at the Brew at 10 am, but needed to discuss something else first. Hanna agreed and said she'd meet us there at 10:30, which we all knew meant 10:45 or 11. How exciting to be having two super intense conversations back-to-back on one of your already precious Saturdays? My sarcasm and insincerity could not have been any more palpable as I walked into the coffee shop and sat down waiting for my demise.

Spencer walked in a few minutes later with a smile on her face. A good sign. She started talking before she had even fully sat down, "Ali, we can't keep going with all this bullshit. You know I talked to Emily to try and help, right? I didn't mean for you to find out that way and then to see her just kind of crash and burn yesterday was insane. To think that maybe all of this came from me is so crazy. Do you know what's wrong? Have you talked to her? What do you think…"

"Woah, woah, woah, Spence. Take a breath. Start over with the whole apology part, please." I replied, placing my head in my hands lovingly. I wanted to be sure to completely take in an apology from Spencer Hastings as this was nearly guaranteed to only happen once in my life.

"I'm sorry for putting Emily's wishes above our friendship. I figured that if Emily knew how great you were doing that she would stop reaching out so you could live your life, or that if she knew how miserable you were, then she would feel guilty and would come back to make sure you were okay. Now we both know that neither of those things happened, so it was a dumb plan. And I was dumb for talking to her about you without you knowing." She sighed at the end of her statement, indicating the depth of the hurt she was feeling.

"Spencer, I get it. I know that you wouldn't have bad intentions. It just sucks that she chose to stop replying after realizing that I might have been getting worse…"

"But you went downhill again because she and Paige started dating, right?" she quizzed, apparently not understanding how anniversaries of heartbreak work up open wounds pretty efficiently.

"I thought you said she stopped texting you this past summer?" I asked right back.

"Yeah. That's when Emily asked Paige out…" Spencer replied as though the whole world knew the timeline of their relationship.

"Wait. I thought they started dating like weeks after Emily and I broke up, but they didn't start dating until almost a year later?"

Spencer audibly laughed, "Ali, Emily is a lot of things, but she's not heartless. We all know that she and Paige flirted and shit near the end of your relationship, but no, they never dated."

My mind was blown. I assumed that because Emily had technically moved on from me that she immediately moved on with someone else. But she hadn't. The whole thing didn't make a lot of sense.

"Spence, make this make sense for me. Why didn't she ask Paige out last year though?" I questioned, as Spencer shrugged.

"OH! I can answer that one!" Hanna shouted from almost halfway across the coffee shop, causing Spencer and I to both jumped.

"Hey, Hanna!" Spencer hopped up to hug her. At least one relationship of the five of us had stayed entirely intact over the past two torturous years.

"Hey Spence!" she exclaimed, before turning to me, "Ali…" The tone a dramatic shift from the one just before, obviously indicating that she was not pleased with whatever she believed occurred during the conversation Emily and I had two days prior.

"Spill then, Hanna. We don't have all day." Spencer probed.

"Well, as much as I hate to admit this because I am still upset with you Ali…"

"For literally no valid reason, Hanna." I interrupted.

Rolling her eyes, she continued, "Anyways… Emily wasn't over you. She knew she screwed up and thought maybe legitimately moving on with Paige would make her feel better, but she felt too guilty…"

"And by that point, she had already broken up with me." I finished, piecing together more of a puzzle I didn't even know was incomplete. "So that's why she was texting you, Spence?"

"Yeah. She mostly wanted to know how your home life was during that whole house drama you went through our sophomore year. I guess maybe when that cleared up she wasn't as worried anymore. I know that she knew a lot more about everything going on freshman year than the rest of us."

Spencer never really brought up freshman year for a plethora of reasons. One, Spencer hated talking about mine and Emily's relationship. Two, she hating opening up old wounds and her family had taught her how to hide them well. Three, talking about freshman year made it blatantly clear about how little my friends knew about me and brought distaste to Spencer for not being more involved.

I saw Spencer and Hanna both getting visibly more uncomfortable after bringing up freshman year shut me down right in front of them. It was hard for me not to feel guilty about everything that went on. When you get right down to it, not even Emily knew the depth of it all. That part of it made the guilt eat me alive. We spent time in my home. We saw each other daily. We held each other daily. We loved each other daily. And she still had no idea.

* * *

_The past month or so felt like a dream. After coming out to our friends, coming out at school was a lot more straightforward with their support. Sure, not everyone was entirely welcoming of the idea, but as Emily and I holding hands became more of a staple in the hallway, people got over it. Our parents were a slightly different story, as Mrs. Fields now required the door open upstairs after Fields Family Tuesday's, and my mom's face when we told her could only be described as pure shock. But overall though, I felt insanely blessed that we didn't have to face more as an out couple. We were able to be with each other all the time without the fear of repercussion or insult._

_Finding time together did take some maneuvering though. During swim season, Emily had practice three days a week with swim meets usually on Fridays and Saturdays, so Tuesday night dinners were our primary opportunity to catch up and be together outside of school. Because of the rarity of our usual ability to hang out, when Emily's practice got canceled one Monday in December, we jumped on the opportunity to be together. With my mom and brother out of the house more than ever at this point, my house was the ideal choice to hang out._

_Emily arrived at my house about 10 minutes after I did and her lips were on mine before I could even close the door. She quickly had my back up against the wall of our main hallway as her hand was placed against the wall to keep her body weight off of me. I began trying to maneuver in a way to slow her down so that we could at least move to the couch._

_"Em… Em… Em… Em…" I stated each mention of her name broken apart with another kiss._

_"What?" she replied, pleadingly, bending her arm so that her lips hovered above my own._

_"Let's just breathe a moment, babe. I haven't even asked about your day yet. Come on." I said, dragging her to the sofa as we immediately moved so that Emily's arm was draped over my side as I rested my head against her chest._

_Emily leaned into me to give me a quick kiss on the temple. "Let me hear all about your day, love bug."_

_"I don't know… My day was fine, I guess. My mind always seems to be elsewhere."_

_"Yeah, your parents' divorce must be tough to take right now…" I nodded back, not wanting to speak for fear of spilling the entire story. "You know you can talk to me about it any time, right?"_

_"Of course I do, Em. I just don't want to impact your day by dampening it with all my family drama."_

_"It wouldn't be drama, Alison." She only called me Alison these days when she wanted a message to soak in. "It would just be your opportunity to let me know how I can be there for you. I only want you happy."_

_"I know… Can we move on from my family, please? I just want us to be able to have a conversation without them being brought up. You tell me something. How did we get lucky enough for you not to have practice this afternoon?"_

_She placed her lips against my hair as she spoke, "Some doctor's appointment or something, so we have to have practice tomorrow morning instead. Which I guess isn't better, but it did give us some much needed time alone."_

_Peering up at her, I continued, "Much needed? Are you really that depraved?"_

_She nodded beginning to pout, "Yeah, I haven't held you close to me since Saturday!"_

_"TWO WHOLE DAYS?!" I pulled away covering my mouth with my hands. "Who knew I held that much power over you, babe?"_

_"Oh, you can hold power over me anytime you want." She replied, biting part of her bottom lip which sent me over the edge every time we spoke._

_I leaned back into her as I moved my left leg over her lap so that I could straddle her hips. She placed her hands on my hips as our lips met. Passion and desire searing through our touch. Emily made her way up my jawline with her lips before nipping and sucking lightly on my ear, causing my head to lean backward. Emily used that opportunity to move my hair on that side behind me to provide her full access to my neck. I moaned into her ear as my hips ground into hers. My hands moved their way back underneath her chin so that the lips I was desperately seeking would be back on my own. Tugging lightly on her bottom lip, I felt Emily's hands making their way to the bottom buttons of my blouse. As my tongue danced against hers while she hummed lightly into my mouth, her hands skillfully worked their way up my shirt until my barely covered chest was fully exposed. We parted briefly so that I could lean backward to take off my shirt completely before coming back together. Emily shifted our weight so that I could lay down on the couch as she was above me. Starting with my forehead, Emily began showering me with kisses. From my nose, she fervently kissed my lips before working back over to my ear, sending a sigh from my lips. She continued working down my chest, spending careful moments kissing the skin just above my still-enclosed breasts and then down my stomach before hooking her fingers into the top of the waistband of my jeans…_

_"Well DAMN, Alison!" a sound came from the door, causing Emily and I both to jump up._

_"Jason! What the hell are you doing here? I thought you were with mom!" I exclaimed, crawling to the floor to grab my shirt and put it halfway back on._

_"Was with mom. Was." He replied, turning away. "Close the rest of your shirt up. My God."_

_Emily was already standing trying to fix her long, gorgeous, flowing, black hair. "Jason, we're so sorry. We didn't know you'd be home so soon. It won't happen again."_

_I walked over to hold her hand, "Jase, can you just text me next time so I know you're close?"_

_"Yeah, Ali. Whatever it takes never to have to see your half-naked body ever again." He finished, running up the stairs._

_"I'm so sorry, Em. I honestly didn't know." I said, leaning up to look at her again._

_"No, it's fine babe. I got a text anyway and have to go." She said moving toward the door._

_"Go? Where?"_

_"Paige texted. She said she needs some help working out the strategy of our relay on Friday."_

_"Paige?" My voice immediately raised. As the only other out lesbian in Rosewood, I hated that Emily and Paige were on the swim team together._

_Emily walked toward me again, a smile on her face. "Ooh… is Alison DiLaurentis jealous?" She joined her hands with mine._

_"Of course I am. You're beautiful, caring, considerate, and to top it all off, she's my immediate source of competition."_

_"Don't you worry about me, Ali. You're too amazing to make her even worth considering." She leaned in to give me one last kiss. "See you at school tomorrow, babe."_

* * *

"Alright, Al. Enough of all the bullshit between you guys two years ago… I have to figure out what's going on with Emily now. I get what happened freshman year. What happened Thursday?" Hanna questioned intensely.

"Ugh. I don't even know where to start with that. I didn't think it was that big of a deal, at all. It was one of our usual break-up talks." I tried to rationalize.

"Alison, think about it. Where did it differ from the usual conversation, though? Like maybe it was something small?" Spencer added, hoping that if I saw the talk in a different light that something new would come through.

"I mean, she apologized for the first time. She finally took credit for breaking my heart. And then, I told her that I had never really recovered from that heartbreak, that I was still the same person she abandoned. I told her she gave up on me and then ruined me in the process…"

"Shit. No wonder she's in shambles." Hanna replied.

"Don't get ahead of yourself Hanna. Emily's no saint in this." Spencer interceded.

"Of course she isn't! We all know she was an asshole freshman year, but what 15 year old isn't? At the time, she broke up with you in hopes that it would preserve some of your heart that hadn't been broken already, and now it's two years later and you just told her that she did the opposite. That she had a year to make it right with you to help, and instead she kept her distance and made it worse. That's crushing!"

I put my head in my hands. "I didn't know that though! No one told me shit when she broke up with me. Hell, I just found out that she's only been dating Paige for three months!" I placed both hands desperately on my cheeks, "And she really quit swim team?"

Hanna replied with only a nod, while Spencer sat silently, her face even more white than its usual complexion.

I immediately grabbed my bag to make my way to the door.

"Where are you going?" Hanna implored.

"Where do you think, Han? I have to fix this mess. Now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I loved right this chapter, if only for the pure fluff. Alright, by this point, I have put several clues and indications of what else Alison is hiding from her friends. Does anyone have any guesses of what it could be? Next chapter on Friday! Thanks for all the support and praise!
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	7. More and More

Have you ever been so angry and upset that your brain shuts down? I don't mean shuts down in the sense that it loses the ability to process anything. Your brain goes blank. It no longer has the desire to compute reality because it has already been shattered. I left The Brew that day with my mind blank. A white void filling my being. There was no use in crying over what could have been should I have known the details my friends so expertly left out. There was no purpose in screaming or raising my voice for an issue that I thought had long left my repertoire of regret and unwillingness to forgive. At that moment, even among the emptiness within my brain, I knew the exact steps I need to take to make sure Emily was okay.

Fulfilling the first step was incredibly simple in theory, and before I had fully processed what was occurring, I felt my hand knocking at the door.

"Alison?" her voice questioned while stepping back in towards her foyer.

"Coach Fulton. Great. You're here." I sighed relieved knowing that I was going to be able to accomplish at one of the tasks I set out to achieve.

"Yeah… I live here, and it's Saturday. How can I help you, Alison?" Coach Fulton asked. We first got to know each other freshman year as I came to every one of Emily's swim meets. Because I didn't have my license yet, I even managed to arrange with Coach and my mom to ride on the bus for meets that were hours away. We couldn't have spoken in at least over a year, aside from maybe some light 'Hello's in the hallway.

"I need your help, Coach… see, I heard from a friend that Emily Fields quit the swim team yesterday?"

"Yes, she did. She was distraught and heartbroken by the decision she was making, but she was also very adamant."

"Here's the thing. I get that she begged you, but you can't drop Emily's spot. At least not yet. Give her a week, please." I pleaded.

"Why should I do that? I need another girl to fill her place, Alison. The official season starts in a few weeks and training someone as closer for the relays will be close to impossible as is."

Running my hands urgently through my hair, I continued, "She's making an irrational decision because of something I said to her a few days ago. Let me talk to her before you change the spot; please Coach."

"That's strange. She didn't mention you at all as she was quitting…"

"I don't care if she mentioned me or not. She didn't quit; she had a lapse of judgment. I need your word that you'll wait a week." I started becoming a little pushier.

"Alison, I'm not sure that you understand the full context of what happened. Even if I waited a week, it wouldn't change the fact that Paige McCullers would still be on the team."

"What does Paige have to do with any of this?"

"My point exactly, Ms. DiLaurentis. Don't come trying to fix a problem you don't understand in the first place." She replied, beginning to close the door.

I placed my hand on the door to hold it open before continuing, "Coach Fulton, I'm not leaving without a confirmation that Emily's spot will still be available this time next week. I just need to talk to her. She doesn't want to do this; she doesn't know what else to do. Please, Coach. You know Emily would never give up all the scholarship opportunities she has overnight. She's not an impulsive person. Please. At least give me a chance to speak to her before doing something rash."

"I'll give her until Monday. Let her know that she should be grateful that you still care so much about her that you would attempt to threaten a teacher for her gain." She finished while still attempting to escape the conversation as soon as she could.

"Oh. No. I don't care about Emily that way. I just don't want her to make a mistake partially due to me."

"Whatever you say, Alison. Good luck. I've always liked you more than McCullers…"

"Thanks, Coach. For everything. But I'm not looking to…"

"I get it, Alison. Goodbye."

I exhaled deeply figuring that Emily having until Monday was better than nothing. What in the world was Coach saying though? What did Paige have to do with anything? What was Emily trying to gain from this? Why didn't I know any of this until today?

I had to stop sending myself into a pit of questioning. I had to move past whatever emotions I was feeling about the situation myself and focus on what the hell was wrong with Emily. I needed to be there for her just as much as she had always been there for me.

* * *

_There was no better feeling than waking up on a Sunday morning with Emily's body tangled around mine. My brother was out of town until later that day, and my mom had been gone long enough that Emily no longer asked where she was. It was a perfect way to spend our four-month anniversary. I know that four months sounds weird and far too needy for any relationship, but it was also two days before Valentine's Day, so we figured it was warranted._

_Placing my hand on her cheek, I decided to slowly wake Emily up by tracing my finger up her jawline before cupping the side of her face with my hand. Her eyes fluttered, and she sighed delicately._

_"Hello, beautiful," I whispered, leaning over to place a passionate kiss on her lips as my hand found its way to the back of her head to bring her face closer to me. She quickly reciprocated before pulling away slightly to kiss my forehead._

_"Good morning…" she smiled while placing her head back on her pillow. We were content. Grinning insanely stupidly at one another knowing that the most beautiful woman in the world was in front of us and was entirely ours. I could smell a light remnant of her perfume on the nape of her neck as I outlined the curvature of her shoulder with my nose, ensuring to leave a light kiss every few inches I moved. Emily's hand had leisurely found her way to my hip slipping one finger underneath the hem of my underwear to tease my skin the same way I was teasing her own._

_As our lips reconnected, Emily moved her body so that her legs were now straddling my hips while I lay peacefully on the bed below her. She propped herself above me as she arched her back down so that we could continue our passionate make-out session. My left hand slid up her back from her hip to catch the bottom of the grey t-shirt she was wearing, putting my hand up the back of her shirt so my nails could lightly trace down her spine. My right hand continued down from her shoulder to the dip in her back, following each of her curves until my hand rested on her ass. Emily arched her chest into me more as she moaned into my lips, causing me to smile and lightly nip at her bottom lip in contention. My hand moved from her ass down the side of her thigh, sending a shiver through Emily as we parted lips._

_"Good morning, indeed." I whispered, kissing Emily one more time lightly, "I need to go take a shower before Jase gets home, babe. I'll be right back okay?"_

_Emily pouted but timidly agreed to remove herself from the straddling position we found ourselves in. Walking towards the restroom, I couldn't help but look back at Emily who was now seated up on the bed with her back facing me. She crossed her arms to grab the bottom of her top and casually pulled it up over her head to change shirts. My eyes scanned over every minute detail of her bare body, aside from the boy shorts she was still wearing. She peered over her left shoulder catching my gaze before she giggled and turned away again, knowing that she had successfully teased me yet again._

_I took a quick shower so that I could get dressed in time for the errands Jason and I had to complete once he got home and stepped out wrapping my body in a towel but leaving my hair draped to one side of my head. When I walked back into the bedroom, Emily had dressed for the day and was wearing some very short jean shorts that she knew sent me wild in thought from looking at her legs. I walked over toward my closet and looked back at Emily through the mirror hanging on the outside door. She stood from my bed and sauntered toward me before placing her arms around my hips and placing a light kiss on the nape of my neck._

_"Damn… I love you." I whispered, matter-of-factly, closing my eyes as she continued to press her lips down to my shoulder._

_She continued speaking against my skin, "Mmm. You love me, do you?" I could feel her smiling as she spoke. The words I had just stated reverberating back through my ears, as I stepped gently to my left away from her touch._

_"Oh. Um. I didn't mean to say that Em. I'm sorry, it was an in the moment thing." My face turned from bliss to apprehension._

_Emily wasn't backing down though, walking back toward me to wrap her arms around my hips again, connecting her hands, so they wrapped entirely around me. "In the moment, huh? That's a little disappointing considering I love you." She placed a kiss next to my eye, before pulling back again so we could look directly at one another._

_"You do?" I smiled up at her._

_"Of course I do, Ali. How could you question that? We treat each other with such care and sincerity. We spend our time ensuring one another is appreciated. And you look hot as hell with or without any clothes on." She bit her lower lip as she finished waiting for me to continue._

_My hands placed on her stomach, I slid them up over her chest and connected them behind her neck. "When you put it that way… I love you too, Emily."_

_She kissed me lightly before continuing, "Now, you need to get dressed, so we don't give Jason part four of his saga finding us in uncompromising situations." She started walking away, "We really need to get better about preserving his eyes."_

_"He'll get over it," I replied, putting on a cute yellow dress with a smile covering my lips. "I'm sure we could be a little more considerate though."_

_I walked back over to Emily as I was pulling a black thong up under my dress to complete my look, before sliding my hand around to the front of Emily's bare upper thighs while my chin barely reached her shoulder. Emily turned her face to the right to look at me._

_"It's just too bad that you're so irresistible…" she brought her hands over my own that were still on her thighs, "Here, show off your outfit to me babe." She turned herself around toward me before placing my hand on her own so she could give me a twirl._

_I knew that her request was a little selfish because this dress did look excellent on me, but as Emily twirled me back to wrap her arms around me as my back leaned into her chest, I could only feel passion, desire, and love from her intentions._

_I leaned my head backward so I could look into her eyes as I spoke, "You know I love you, right?"_

_"I think that is something we settled today, Alison." She kissed me softly and with eyes still closed as she pulled away, "I love you too. Every day. More and more."_

* * *

Step number two was talking to Emily. Not arguing. But speaking to her like a friend. I needed to try and show her the mistake she was making and explain everything I meant to say on Thursday. Unlike Coach's house though, when I knocked and rang the doorbell, no one answered. I looked back over my shoulder and saw Emily's car parked in the driveway. Not willing to give up just yet, I walked to the left side of the love seat on the front porch and picked up the stone frog sitting next to the back leg.

"Oh, thank God," I whispered, seeing the spare key still attached to its underbelly.

Unlocking the door, I began calling Emily's name faintly without hearing a response. The lights around the house were mostly turned off, aside from the usual small lamp in the living room and Mrs. Field's office area. I climbed up the stairs knowing that Emily's room was the last area I would need to look at before putting the key back and giving up for the day.

As I turned the corner into her room, I saw her. Curled up underneath her window seat, Emily had her oversized grey sweatshirt on with her legs pulled up into it so that they rested against her chest. She looked up from having her head tucked into her crossed arms and immediately looked back down continuing to cry. Her usual chocolate brown eyes looked dead and darkened in comparison to the ones I fell desperately in love with, and as I walked toward her, I knew all my pretenses needed to fall to the wayside.

I sat against the window seat next to her silently, hoping that the act of being with Emily during her pain would suffice. I placed my hand on her back and just scratched it up and down attempting to console the broken piece of a woman that sat in front of me. The longer I comforted her, the less tense and rigid her position became. Looking at Emily cry became far too painful, so I began finding anything else I could stare at before settling on the alarm clock next to her bed. Five, ten, twenty minutes passed as her tears started to subside. She struggled to catch her breath and refused to look up at the near-stranger consoling her.

With her head still in her chest, she finally spoke, "How'd you get in here?" Her voice was filled with part venom and part intrigue.

I turned to her making sure to speak in a whisper back, "The frog key… it was still there." Emily scoffed back at my response, before rolling her shoulder back to get my hand off of her and readjusting her position, so she was sitting with her legs outstretched and back fully against the window sill.

"What are you doing here?" Her tone was empty, and she stared straight ahead emotionless.

"I wanted to clarify the conversation we had on Thursday, but right now isn't the time, Emily. It can always wait." We continued to sit in silence for what felt like hours, but most likely was less than 5 minutes.

Dejectedly, Emily started speaking again, "I broke up with Paige yesterday…" she finished looking over at me for my reaction.

"Okay… and why did you do that?"

"Guilt. Why else?" she shrugged, "Neither of you deserved anything I put you through. I've always been a terrible girlfriend anyways."

I laughed lightly, causing Emily to shoot daggers directly at me. "Em, you were never a terrible girlfriend. You loved me more than anyone else had and maybe ever will. Yeah, you screwed up in the end, but you weren't terrible. Don't let that be the cause of your crying."

"I've cried enough over you, Ali. I have no more tears left to cry in regards to our relationship. I'm crying because I had to quit the swim team." Her head fell back toward the floor.

"You had to? No one could force you to do that!"

"Paige could. She spat at my feet when I broke up with her. Spat, Alison. I quote-unquote 'disgust her' and said that if we were breaking up she 'never wanted to see my face again'" She replied, tears welling up in her eyes again.

"What a bitch! I can't believe her! Who would say or do something like that when they are broken up with?"

"I don't know…" she reflected before bursting into tears again.

"Hey now. Don't start crying again, Em." I reassured placing my hand back on her back. "It's going to be okay."

Through her tears, she started speaking again, "I tried to do better this time, Ali. I learned so much from us breaking up, and I treated her like a queen. I didn't want to make the same mistakes again, you know? So I did it differently. I mean, Ali, as soon as I knew this time, I told her. I didn't wait. I learned. I did better, and she still didn't care."

I turned looking at her puzzled, "Emily, what are you talking ab…"

But before I could even finish my question, Emily already had her lips pressed against my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There you have it! I figured that I would keep this chapter fairly fluffy, as shit is destined to hit the fan in the next few chapters. I did figure out the other day how this story will end, BUT there are quite a few tales left to tell before that happens. So stay buckled in for the ride! Thanks again for all the support! Have an excellent weekend and drop some reviews to answer the following questions (I really want a pulse check on what you guys are thinking):
> 
> 1) What is Alison hiding from Emily and her friends?
> 
> 2) Will Alison reciprocate the kiss?
> 
> 3) How's the romance in the story going? Is there too much? Too little? Give me the scoop!
> 
> Next chapter will include Valentine's Day at a Fields Family Tuesday dinner and the follow-up to the currently non-consensual kiss between Emily and Alison. See you all Tuesday!
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	8. Plea

Through her tears, she started speaking again, "I tried to do better this time, Ali. I learned so much from us breaking up and I treated her like a queen. I didn't want to make the same mistakes again, you know? So I did it differently. I mean, Ali, as soon as I knew this time, I told her. I didn't wait. I learned. I did better and she still didn't care."

I turned looking at her puzzled, "Emily, what are you talking ab…"

But before I could even finish my question, Emily already had her lips pressed against my own.

Her lips felt different than they had a year ago. They were no longer naïve, no longer careful, no longer sensitive to my touch. Emily was angry and confused and desperate for the person who showed up for her during her time of need. She needed a companion.

And sadly, that wasn't me.

I leaned back as soon as I could, "No. Nope. What the hell, Emily?" I pushed her lightly backwards as I stood up wiping my lips off. "Emily, you can't just kiss me because you're feeling empty inside! Damn. What's actually wrong?"

"Sorry… I wasn't thinking."

"Yeah, I get that and it's fine. You're fine. But what are you talking about? What did you do better?" My voice continued becoming more and more terse.

Emily started to stand, "Ali, I can't answer tha…"

I walked toward her my voice raising, "You can't answer that? You? You tell me you did something differently Emily and you can't tell me what that is after forcing yourself on me?"

Her voice stayed calm and consistent. "I can't answer that because in order to we'd have to talk about everything. We'd have to talk about Thursday. We'd have to talk about our breakup. We'd have to finally talk about April, Alison. And we can't do that. Not like this. Not right now."

I felt my voice start to break because I knew how right she was, "Why couldn't we do it now, Em? We're a year and half older. We can do this maturely. I'll do it if you do it."

"I'm too fragile today to get angry, so whatever. Mom's working late at the sheriff's and I don't really want to be alone. So, I guess let's do it." She started walking toward her closet before looking over her shoulder, "I'm gross and need to change. Meet you downstairs?"

"Sure. I'll get us some water?" I said heading toward her door.

She turned around while lifting her sweatshirt above her head revealing a shirt underneath. "Yeah, there's also wine in the fridge if we want to cut the tension?"

I chuckled, "Wine it is. See you in minute."

Just as I was headed back to the couch with some ample pours of Emily's favorite wine, Emily was walking downstairs in some black leggings and a white t-shirt with her hair in a ponytail. She still looked picturesque. During our relationship, a lot of our time was spent at each other's homes, so her casual attire, her sleepy smile, and her make-up free face is the Emily I fell in love with. Not the Emily that puts a brave face on for the world. I wondered if she looked at me the same way. My usual these days was being dressed to the nines, so I questioned if this made up version of Alison was appealing to Emily, or if she preferred the dressed down version of me better. My mind was quickly sidetracked by Emily's voice as she began speaking.

"Alright, Al. If we're going to do this, we have to lay out some ground rules."

"I agree. We're not the best at arguments or discussion, are we?"

Emily laughed, "You're just now getting that? First, we need to rely on facts. Feelings will be important sometimes Ali, but for the bulk of it our emotions will just get in the way of moving forward. Sound good?"

"Yeah. I can do that. Second, we have to be honest. I'm going to have hard questions for you and you're going to have hard questions for me. We have to get over it."

"Third, we need to be willing to be vulnerable. We have barely talked in 2 years; I'm sure there's a lot we haven't said that needs to be…"

I just nodded in reply, "Last, you can't force yourself on me. It's not cool and isn't fair to either of us."

She shifted on her side of the couch, "Yeah, I get that. I apologized. I'm sorry."

"Should we start there then and work backwards? Maybe I'll be good and liquored up by the time we get to freshman year?" I joked, sending a sincere laugh through Emily's veins. This was going to be nearly impossible; I was putty in her hands.

"I'm fine with that… So Paige and me… Where do I even start?" she looked away from me, nervous to even be talking about another girl in front of me.

"How about with the fact that I didn't even know you started dating this summer? Why did I think she was an immediate rebound?"

"Woah, woah. Rebound is a harsh word, isn't it?" she questioned, looking intently at the first words I used to describe Paige. If we were going to do this, we had to do it correctly. I couldn't collapse question one.

"Yep. I guess I'm still more bitter than I thought I was. Sorry."

"It's fine… To be honest, I never thought about your perception of Paige and me. I should have, but I thought Hanna and Spence would keep you informed. Saying it out loud now though, you were going through way too much for them to have been able to find time to talk about her to you. After we broke up, I knew she liked me, but I couldn't do it. I knew I had to be honest with you and didn't think about how poorly you would take it, so I was never really _over_ you. Does that make sense?"

"I guess. Seems unfair to both Paige and me though. As if you are the determining factor in these relationships. 'Oh, I think I might like Paige. I have to break up with Alison. But let's wait 2 months just see if Alison will come back around.' 'Oh wait, I don't actually like Paige yet. Let's make her wait a year.' It's pretty selfish." Emily was silent on the other side of the couch. "Rule 2: honesty. Sorry."

She took a deep breath, "You're right. It was selfish. It is selfish. Neither of you deserved it, Ali. I always just did the best that I could in the moment. I asked her out when I thought I was over you. I felt like that was the only fair way to do it."

"I get that part, Em. I don't get you breaking up with her though and then immediately kissing me."

"I figured it out on Thursday…"

"What in the world did you figure out two days ago that you didn't already know?" I desperately questioned.

"That I'm not over you… I'm not over you at all." She looked up at me, a single tear falling from her eye. "So, I told Paige as soon as I could. I wasn't going to wait for months like last time to make sure. I was going to go with my gut. I wasn't going to hurt either of you again."

"But she was still pissed…"

I knew. I had been there. I remember when Emily told me that she was just talking to Paige and here she had gone and told Paige that she wasn't over me. That Paige had waited a year for it to happen. Had dated for 3 months and effectively ignored me. But then the first conversation she had with me in months reaffirmed feelings she had tried to ignore. I would've been pissed too.

"Of course she was pissed, Alison. Why didn't you just stay away? Why couldn't you just leave me alone? I haven't been able to escape you for 5 years. 5 years. I worked so hard for you. And now I tell you that I still want you and you don't even respond to it."

"Because how am I supposed to respond, Emily? I'm a different person than I was when I dated you. I'm not going to develop feelings for you just because you randomly kissed me! I know nothing about you now, Em. I'm flattered, sure, but the world doesn't work that way."

"So I have to woo you again?" she replied, smiling lightly.

"In the spirit of Rule #2, you can woo me all you want, but I can't guarantee to you that anything will happen from it." Who was I kidding? Just her smiling at me made me want to reach over and hold her hand. But the idea of Emily wooing me again sounded more than ideal.

"No, I understand. There were even fewer guarantees last time and it ended up being the best relationship of my life."

This entire conversation was so surreal. Were Emily and I actually capable of an adult conversation? Had we moved past the hurt from last year? Granted we were still discussing the present, but she was sincere and hopeful which was a side of Emily I hadn't seen in so long.

* * *

_My weekends had been revolutionized. The days once filled with sorrow and complete boredom were now moments of undeniable bliss. Emily's practice days meant that I had specific days for family and specific days just for her. I wouldn't have asked for it any other way. April was a slow month for Emily as meets and trials were far more infrequent, so she decided that we should go on a proper date out as it had been months since we had been out._

_Looking in the mirror with minutes until she arrived I wondered how she had the ability to still give me butterflies. I touched my stomach and could still remember the feeling of her lips from the night before. My brain was engrossed with her image. Her words. Her voice. She was my everything and I couldn't trace back in my mind a moment when she wasn't._

_Her knock was a welcomed pull from my thoughts and I raced down stairs to see her beautiful face._

_"Hot damn. How did I get so lucky?" She rhetorically asked when I opened the door, revealing a bouquet of flowers from behind her back._

_"I could ask you the same thing, beautiful." I replied, pulling her toward me to give her a passionate kiss. Emily was wearing a favorite outfit of mine: black skinny jeans, a white button up collared shirt neatly tucked in with a pair of red suspenders. It was the perfect combination of professional and sexy, which I never forgot to remind her each time she wore it. "Here, come in. Let's put these in water."_

_"Oh great! I'll get to say hi to your mom." She squealed excitedly while grasping my hand._

_As we walked into the kitchen, I continued, "No, she's actually not here right now… she's uh, out."_

_"Okay…" It was obvious that Emily wasn't following and didn't quite believe me but didn't want to press further. "She hasn't been around a lot lately, right?"_

_"Right. I guess she just has a lot going on?" I replied, hoping that my own uncertainty would be confusing enough for her to stop the line of questioning. I continued facing the sink as I filled up a vase for the purple lilies. Emily snaked her arms around my waist and began kissing my neck from behind. I turned around to face her, placing my hands around her neck, "Hmm? You trying to have a repeat of last night?"_

_"You know I wouldn't mind that…" she smiled before lightly brushing her lips against mine, "…but we have to get to these reservations. We will have plenty of time for mischief later tonight."_

_I winked at her knowingly as I side stepped to move around her and back to the front door. "Then we better get going, shouldn't we babe?" I asked while she walked out the door in front of me, giving her ass a light tap as she walked past. "Mmm, I love you in those jeans."_

_She leaned back over her shoulder tossing her hair to look at me, "You know I wore them just for you." She continued walking toward our Lyft, over accentuating her walk so I could watch her hips sway from behind. "After you, my dear." She stated, opening the door for me._

_With the door between us, I leaned up to give her a light kiss, "I love you."_

_She got in and closed the door before wrapping her hand up in mine, "I love you too."_

_Dinner was perfect in all regards. We sat at a small table top with low lighting and a small candle. Per usual, we discussed options that looked good and Emily ordered for us both, something that I found incredibly attractive._

_We linked hands across the table and began talking about summer plans when my phone began to vibrate._

_"Who is it, sweetheart?" Emily asked, peering her head towards my phone._

_I picked it up and quickly set it back down sending it to voicemail, "Oh, it's just Jason. I'll call him back. You are far more importa…" I was interrupted again by more buzzing. "One second, babe. Let me turn it off." I let our hands go so that I could stop the call and power down my phone. Moments before my screen could go dark though a text message came through, causing me to leave the restaurant immediately._

**_From Jason – SOS. Come here now._ **

* * *

Emily exhaled. "Whew. Alright, we got through the whole kiss thing. What's next?"

"Thursday. I guess that's my piece?" I shrugged, immediately realizing how nerve-wracking Emily must have just felt moments ago baring her soul. "I came to your house Thursday just looking for answers. I didn't understand why you texted Spencer but didn't have the gall to talk to me. Of course, I now know that you were texting her because you weren't over me and were checking in, but it doesn't explain why you had never apologized. It doesn't explain your actions when everything happened."

"Alison…" Emily interrupted and held out her hand with her palm facing up. I reached over and pushed her fingers upwards, effectively closing her palm causing Emily to pull her hand back towards her. "Okay. I get it. I can't take back my actions from last year. I can't give you an excuse or a reason that would even matter or change anything. I can only apologize to you and promise that it would never happen again."

I continued looking down, unable to face her for the hurt she caused me. "So then what about Thursday changed things for you?"

"Like I said earlier, Ali. I was so selfish and I know that you have basically told me everything you did Thursday before, but I had never been listening. Not really. It just hit me that I was the only person you really had and I left you. I saw your eyes and I saw your pain and it brought me right back to last April. I screwed up and hearing you say that I never came back for you when you really, really needed me made me realize that I needed to come back for you. Even if I'm too late. Even if you never forgive me. In order to forgive myself, I had to come back for you. So I'm here now and I'm going to be here, Alison. I really am sorry it took me so long."

I couldn't stop the tears pouring from my eyes. Here was the moment I had waited for so long. Emily was directly in front of me spilling out everything and truly wanting to be here. But I couldn't do it. I was still so distrusting. I was still heartbroken. I was still troubled by my past.

Emily picked up her drink and took three quick gulps to fill the silence. "You can't forgive me, can you?" She stood up, putting a hand on top of her head. "Yeah, I get it. I wouldn't forgive me if I were you either. Damn it!" She was pacing and kept hitting her thigh with a closed fist, visibly angry at herself.

"Em. Stop. Sit down, please." She looked over at me worried, her breath effectively stopping while waiting for my reply. "If I can forgive you for the aftermath once you explained it, maybe if I hear the other stuff I can get there too."

"What do you mean, Al?"

I took a deep breath and already felt the tears welling up, "We have to talk about April, Emily. We have to talk about my mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Next chapter all of your questions will be answered. Promise. You'll find out Alison's secret and you'll find out why Alison harbors so much resentment toward Emily. Also, I apologize to the few readers who suggested that Alison reciprocate Emily's kiss. I did write a momentary version where she did, but it just didn't feel realistic when Alison had previously been heartbroken by Emily pulling a similar stunt.
> 
> Let me know what you think! Love you all! See you Friday!
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	9. Truth Will Set You Free

"Em. Stop. Sit down, please." She looked over at me worried, her breath effectively stopping while waiting for my reply. "If I can forgive you for the aftermath once you explained it, maybe if I hear the other stuff I can get there too."

"What do you mean, Al?"

I took a deep breath and already felt the tears welling up, "We have to talk about April, Emily. We have to talk about my mom."

She sighed as she sat back down next to me, "I wasn't looking forward to this part."

"I don't think either of us were. It was a shitty time for us both…" I replied in a more frustrated tone because as much as this time may have sucked for Emily, it revolutionized my entire life.

Emily glanced at me concerned, "I mean, Alison, if you're not ready to talk about it, you don't have to. I'm sure I'm the last person you want to hash things up with."

"To be honest, you probably are the last person I want to walk down memory lane with, but we still have never talked about it. It's pretty crucial to who we've each become, and yet we can't talk about it to each other? Seems pretty ridiculous right?"

"Yeah. Maybe we're both removed enough that it'll be better?" Emily was hoping that if she stayed positive that I would too. I could see the nervousness on her face because she knew that the only outcome of retelling this story for me would be anger, sadness, and grief. But, she sat there, committed and focused on listening to me intently.

I chuckled, "That's doubtful. I really only ever talk to Jason about that, and he's 3,000 miles away. I don't even know where to start. It's terrible from beginning to end."

"I've never heard everything that happened that night from your perspective because I couldn't be there, you know. So from the beginning?" Emily saw me tense up and continued, "I'm going to be here the whole time you're telling it, okay? You're not alone. I'm right here. Just do the best you can, Ali."

I took a deep breath and went back to the last time I remember being truly happy before the text message.

* * *

_"After you, my dear." Emily stated, opening the door for me._

_With the door between us, I leaned up to give her a light kiss, "I love you."_

_She got in and closed the door before wrapping her hand up in mine, "I love you too."_

_Dinner was perfect in all regards. We sat at a small table top with low lighting and a small candle. Per usual, we discussed options that looked good, and Emily ordered for us both, something that I found incredibly attractive._

_We linked hands across the table and began talking about summer plans when my phone started to vibrate._

_"Who is it, sweetheart?" Emily asked, peering her head towards my phone._

_I picked it up and quickly set it back down sending it to voicemail, "Oh, it's just Jason. I'll call him back. You are far more importa…" I was interrupted again by more buzzing. "One second, babe. Let me turn it off." I let our hands go so that I could stop the call and power down my phone. Moments before my screen could go dark though, a text message came through, causing me to leave the restaurant immediately._

**_From Jason – SOS. Come here now._ **

_I muttered under my breath, "You've got to be kidding me." My eyes widened as I looked up at Emily, tears already forming, "We have to go. Now." I was already headed for the door._

_"Now? Babe, we haven't even paid." Emily hesitated, standing to try to stop me._

_I put one hand on her chest, hooking my finger around one of her suspenders. "Then I have to go." I leaned in to kiss her desperately noting the confusion that traced her lips. Letting go, I continued, "I love you. Don't freak out, but after you pay for the food meet me at the hospital."_

_"The hospital? What the hell?!" Emily was panicked._

_Jogging out the door, I yelled back, "I'll explain later. I'm sorry."_

_She didn't understand what those last words meant because Emily's world was about to turn upside down. I had so much that I wished to tell her over the past 6 months, but never found the right time. I had lied or at least withheld the truth for so long. I was sorry. Sorry for leaving her at the restaurant. Sorry for not explaining before I had to go. But mostly sorry for the way I had let her down. Sorry for the conversations to come._

_Running into the emergency room as had become somewhat of a routine over the past year, I urgently asked the receptionist, "I'm looking for Jessica DiLaurentis. Room number?" I looked down the hallway and saw Jason peering out of one of the doorways. "I see my brother. Can I go, please?" I flashed my ID, which customary to get through._

_I continued my pace until I got to the room, grabbed some hand sanitizer off the wall, took a deep breath and walked in._

_There she was. My mom. My support. My world. Now, just a void. She was hooked up to three different machines and had oxygen supplying each of her breaths._

_I looked desperately at Jason, "What the hell happened? She was fine last night…"_

_"Come sit on the couch, Alison." He urged, grabbing my hand to lead me._

_It was there that he explained everything to me. Apparently, my mom had been hoarding her sedation medication from the rehab facility she had been staying at for weeks, and this afternoon after Jason and I said our goodbyes less than 24 hours before, she took all of them at once._

_Life, since my parents separated, hadn't been easy. When someone leaves you, there is a separation that occurs deeper than you could even imagine. My brother and I experienced it too, so as my mom became more distant, we didn't really pay attention to it. We didn't see her cries for help. We didn't notice her going to bed earlier and earlier. We didn't pay attention to her being at the house when we left each morning and still being there when we got home. We didn't even know she had been prescribed Oxycontin. How were we supposed to know she was using it to function?_

_A few weeks after Emily and I started dating was the first time we had to put her into rehab. It was an extended 90-day program, and Jason visited her daily. Of course, I adjusted my schedule so that any afternoon I wasn't with Emily, I could be with her. It was a perfect cover because Emily would never be able to text me during a time I couldn't text back. It turned into my new routine and for a few weeks when she came back home, life went back to normal. But we then quickly had to turn around and send her back. When someone overdoses 3 times in two weeks, it's a cry for help. She had been back in a facility for about 5 weeks when I got Jason's text…_

_"So… is she going to be okay?"_

_"Well, that's where we come in." Jason looked down at the ground solemnly before glancing back up at me with tears falling down his eyes. My grip on his hand got tighter. "Alison, she's not going to make it."_

_I heard nothing else. My mind went eternally blank. As Jason again later described a second time in detail, my mom was on life support. The lethal dose of sedatives she took had sent her into respiratory failure and sent her nervous system into shock. My parents were officially divorced causing the power of attorney privilege to transfer to my brother, who was over 18. It was his decision whether or not to take my mother off of life support, effectively ending her life. Of course, it was his decision, but more than that, it was our decision. He needed my input, and it wasn't a vocal role that I had the capacity to play._

_The moment Jason paused, I stood to leave the room. "Alison! Where are you going?"_

_Breathing heavily, I gasped, "I have to take a walk. I can't stay in here. Not right now."_

_I staggered to the lobby where Emily sat head in her hands. Even with her button-down now untucked, suspenders no longer on, and her hair a little disheveled, she was my picture of a dream. Especially when all I wanted to do was run away from reality. I made it as far as I could before I felt her arms around me and collapsed crying in her arms._

_Sitting in a chair next to her, I relayed every ounce of what I remembered to Emily as she had her arms wrapped around me. She peppered my hair and cheek with kisses, traced my arms with her fingertips, and made me feel completely together as I was explaining the gruesome decision we were tasked to make._

_As I finished, Emily's words picked up, "Ali, I'm so sorry. How did this happen? How'd she go from healthy to heart failure?"_

_"No… I… she's been in rehab for months. That's why she's never around, Em. Not because she's out. She's been trying to get help."_

_I felt her arms loosen around me, tensing up throughout her entire body, while also knowing that she couldn't get angry at the moment. We spoke for a few more minutes before her mom called and she rushed home to be with her own family. There was no time for me to consider how Emily potentially felt because I had to go back to be with Jason._

_Ultimately, we waited. We knew that there would be others who would want to say their goodbyes. We knew that removing her from life support would remove any potentiality of her surviving, and if anyone deserved that chance, it was my mom._

_Eight days later, after we had contacted everyone and received assurance of the poor quality of life our mom would have should she wake up, Jason and I told the doctor that they could remove her oxygen._

_We gathered around her that afternoon as the doctors became removing her from life support. I sat on her right side holding her hand, whispering in her ear. "Hey, Mommy… I'm so sorry. I know you're a fighter which is what makes this so heartbreaking, but Jason and I also know how crucial your independence is to you. We've been told that you would lose your independence, Mom. Even if you woke up, you'd need a machine to breathe the rest of your life, and we know you'd never want that. Thank you. Thank you for teaching me more life lessons than I could I retain. You made me the strong and resilient woman I am today, and I will carry every ounce of your being with me for the rest of my life. I promise to take care of Jason. And I promise that Emily will take care of me. I'm sorry you felt like not continuing to fight anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't there to make sure you were okay. I'm sorry you were alone in your last hours. I'm so sorry… I love you. I love you. I love you."_

_I murmured 'I love you' into her ear until I heard the flatline. And then, my body shut down. I barely ate. When I slept, it was short-lived. I didn't answer any phone calls or text messages. I became a shell of myself overnight._

_My world had become a nightmare. One I didn't know how to wake myself up from. One I didn't wake myself up from for months._

* * *

Finishing a story I hadn't told in almost year had me shaking and in tears. As Emily promised though, she was there crying right alongside me. At some point during the recollection, Emily's hand had found its way on top of my own and was tracing the top of my hand like I always loved.

"I'm sorry for being such an emotional wreck," I said trying to wipe tears off my face.

"There's no need to apologize. It was the hardest time of your life. You're allowed to feel whatever emotion you are feeling. There is no right way to feel telling your story."

"But yeah… that's the beginning. So now that you know my part, you exactly the role I played, what I said, how I felt, so on and so forth… We have to talk about you."

"Nothing I say will ever be good enough, Alison. I was a selfish teenager. I didn't get what you were feeling. All that I saw was that you were ignoring me. All I saw was that you were consistently getting worse. All I saw was what you would let me see, and that was close to nothing." Emily pleaded, her hand no longer connected with mine.

"But you _did_ nothing! I was alone for days on end, and Jason had to take care of me. He fed me. He clothed me. He made sure I was showered. I told my mom that you would make sure I was okay and instead you left. You left!" My tone was harsh, but effectively panged the heartbreak I was feeling all over again.

"It doesn't make it right, and I know I should've been with you every single second, but I couldn't be. I couldn't do it, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I figured you had decided to be done with us and I should stay away."

"I definitely didn't give up on us then…" I trailed off, Emily looking at me quizzically.

I took another deep breath, "Em, I gave up when us when you didn't even bother to show up to her funeral."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Take a deep breath with me guys... *Inhale* *Exhale*. That was a lot and thank you for going through it with me. Emily and Alison's conversation is far from over, and Emily is definitely determined to win Alison back somehow. Thanks for all of your support!
> 
> Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along. See you all Tuesday! :)
> 
> \- secretpen28


	10. Goodbye for Now, Goodbye for Good

"But you _did_ nothing! I was alone for days on end, and Jason had to take care of me. He fed me. He clothed me. He made sure I was showered. I told my mom that you would make sure I was okay and instead you left. You left!" My tone was harsh, but effectively panged the heartbreak I was feeling all over again.

"It doesn't make it right, and I know I should've been with you every single second, but I couldn't be. I couldn't do it, and there's nothing I can do to change that. I figured you had decided to be done with us and I should stay away."

"I definitely didn't give up on us then..." I trailed off, Emily looking at me quizzically.

I took another deep breath, "Em, I gave up when us when you didn't even bother to show up to her funeral."

Emily turned her entire body toward mine as if to plead a case, "Alison, by the time her funeral came around you hadn't spoken to me in weeks. Even when I came to sit in the chair in your room the weekend after, you ignored me. I didn't feel like you wanted me there."

"Whether I wanted you there or not wasn't the important part. The least you could've done is show up. She loved you. She loved you, so, so much. Even if I didn't want you there, she wanted you there."

Emily put her head in her hands, "You don't think I know that? It's one of the biggest regrets of my life, but I didn't want to ruin a day that was already going to be so difficult for you."

"I just don't get it, Em. I'll never get it. I have no clue how I can trust you again when you broke every ounce of trust I had in you when you didn't show up."

"Don't even start with me about breaking trust, Alison. You do not get to talk to me about breaking trust when you broke it first."

I stood up, walking away knowing that I had been caught again in the conversation I most regretted having. The conversation that led to Emily and I breaking up. So, I tried to avoid it. "Oh, really? We're going to go here again?"

She turned completely around on the couch so she could face me. "Of course we are! That was the whole damn point of this conversation. You knew we'd have to get to our break-up at some point!"

She was right. If there was any attempt of us reconciling, or at the very least forgiving each other fully, we had to go back there guts and all. We had to go back to last June. Two months after my mom passed away. Three weeks since my mom's funeral. Four days since school had ended, and so had mine and Emily's last conversation.

* * *

_There's a haunting inside me that I can't seem to stop. When I notice my heart beating faster, I am haunted by the sound of my mother's stopping. When I feel myself finally becoming cozy in the comfort of my bed, I am haunted by the cold settling into my mother's bones. When I close my eyes to finally drift from my nightmare, I am haunted by the nightmare waiting in my dreams. I can't escape it._

_My world revolves around how I can cope. How I can process this loss for another day. Losing her made me give up my will to try. So I sit. I cry. I mourn. I suffer. I went through the motions until the end of school, but my brain was withdrawn. Spencer did my homework. Aria took my notes. Hanna did my makeup. And Emily stayed away. I knew that she took care of necessities behind the scene, but for me, she was away._

_Now that summer had hit, I tried to be as distant as I could from reality. I weaned myself to sleep frequently and would glance at my phone sparingly before turning over to cry and repeat the process. This was the only reason why I knew Emily was coming over today. Her text was the first real interaction we had in days._

_I was just starting to doze off when I heard her rap at the door._

_"Hey. Are you awake?" she lightly whispered as I turned so my head faced the door. "Well hey there, beautiful. How are you feeling today?"_

_I responded by turning over in the bed so that I was facing the empty side of the bed instead of my dresser, welcoming her to sit next to me._

_She laid down next to me and placed her hand in my messy blonde hair to trace my face, and I muttered to her the first words I had said in days, "Why are you here?"_

_"I figured that I should check in on you and give us a chance to talk about some stuff that we've needed to."_

_I sighed, "Yeah, I'm sorry I've been distant." I paused, hoping for her to fill in part of my blank. Without her responding I continued, "And you..."_

_She finally interrupted. "It's completely understandable..." her voice faded, "Umm Al, I don't know how we can talk about it. I've never had to have a conversation like this."_

_She was more reserved. She touched my hair with hesitancy. She said my name with pause. On the other hand, I was torn down and had no reservations because I felt as though I had nothing left to lose. Though now looking back, I realize how many more losses I would have._

_With this in mind, I sat up to speak bluntly, "No. Let's do it. Let's talk about the funeral."_

_Emily was definitely thrown off by my tone. "Yeah, okay."_

_"Let's do that." I replied, overly nodding to accentuate my frustration and disbelief, "So where the hell were you, Emily?"_

_She sat up to lean against my headboard, arms crossed over her torso, "I planned on it... I really did. But you've just been so distant, and we still haven't discussed how this has impacted our relationship, and so I talked myself out of it."_

_"Em, this hasn't just impacted our relationship, it's changed every aspect of my life. You can't take that personally."_

_Emily took my hands in hers, "But of course I can! Ali, I have done nothing but be there for you before this. Our very first date I asked you, I asked you if there was anything I needed to know so that I could be someone you could rely on."_

_"But I..."_

_"Yes, you did tell me about the divorce, but you did not tell me that your mom was struggling. You didn't tell me your dad left because he found the pills. You didn't tell me that you and Jason were taking care of everything for her. Instead, you told me what you thought I wanted to hear."_

_I rubbed my thumbs on the outside of her hands, "I could've been more honest, you're right. But I didn't know when would be a good time to tell you, babe."_

_Emily stood up off the bed. "A good time to tell me?! What about the first time you came home from school, and she wasn't moving on the couch? Why didn't you tell me when she was in the hospital the first time? What about when you guys finally decided to put her in rehab? Why didn't you tell me when I invited you over for Christmas Day and instead you lied about where you would be? What about the dozens maybe even hundreds of times I asked you what was wrong lying next to you? Lying bare next to each other after giving each other all of ourselves and you still didn't trust me enough to know what was hurting you the most." She took a deep breath. "You can't sit here and blame only me for not feeling welcome at your mother's funeral. You made it incredibly well-known that you didn't want me there when you chose to not tell me. When you deliberately decided day after day that I wasn't worth enough to you to open up to me. You had so many times to tell me! You had every opportunity. I even asked about your mother weekly! Even the night of our last date I told you how excited I was to see her and you told me she was out. OUT! I can't even rationalize in my head how little I must actually mean to you for us to have been together daily for 6 months and not to have said shit to me until she was already almost gone! I loved you so desperately, Alison..." She didn't come back to sit on the bed. She instead sat by my closet against the mirror, as far away from me as she could be while staying in the same room._

_I was silent. I couldn't explain because there was no explanation. Emily deserved better than the sudden loss she suffered, but I couldn't form in my head the words it would take to try and make her understand. Because I was stuck on her last 6 words. 'I loved you so desperately, Alison.'_

_Loved. Past tense. Any amount of reasoning wouldn't change those words. Even with the tenderness she was showing me, it was just as I thought. She was reserved. She was hesitant. She was withdrawn. She was gone. She had come to talk with me, yes, but she had already decided that my silence the past two months was not what she deserved._

_I looked up from the bed despondently, "Loved?"_

_"You're questioning that!? My life revolved around you! I dreamed only of the next time I could see your face. I looked to the future and could only see you. I tasted your lips on my own for days. I felt your touch on my bare skin, clinging and seeking all of me. I knew all of these things until I realized you never even truly trusted me."_

_All past tense. My life no longer revolved around her. She no longer dreamed of my face. She could no longer taste my lips. She could no longer feel my touch. She could no longer trust me._

_"No Em..." I said, my voice still barely above a whisper, "...you said that you loved me. Like in the past but not now." She hadn't even realized it. She had no clue that her intentions had been betrayed by her words. "Emily?" I questioned, pulling her from thoughts, "Is that why you didn't come? Because you no longer love me?"_

_"How could I? You haven't touched me or even looked at me the same way in months. You never even tried for me. It's like you expected me to know how to deal with this too. I get that I haven't been the greatest, but you chose sorrow over me. Just like you chose a lie over the truth every damn day since we dated."_

_"Okay... so you're breaking up with me?"_

_"Were we ever even dating? If you couldn't trust me for even one moment over the past 6 months, did we ever truly get to the point of dating, or were we just excellent friends who were screwing?"_

_She was trying to hurt me. It was apparent. I laughed before raising my voice louder than I ever had at Emily, "Are you fucking kidding me? Do not sit there and try to reduce me to any of the other women you've screwed! Do not try and make yourself better than me in this moment, Emily! Own up to the fact that you don't love me anymore and be done with it. I can't make you love me and if I lost the best thing I ever had, then so be it. I'll deal with that. But how dare you try to tear me down in the process? You can backtrack as much as you want, but you know you loved me. You know we were dating. You know that you loved me more than anyone else you've been with or you wouldn't still be here, Em!"_

_She copied my previous silence before her phone rang and she picked it up, "Hey... Yeah, I'm at Alison's, but I'll be right there...Sorry, I'm late... No, don't worry... Yep, I'll see you soon...Can't wait...Bye."_

_My tone continued, "And what the hell was that?"_

_"What was what?"_

_"That! You come here solely to break up with me, and now you make it obvious that there's another woman!"_

_"Paige?" she scoffed and headed for the door._

_"Do not walk out that door, Emily! You owe me an explanation!"_

_She turned around walking to the end of my bed, "I don't owe you shit, but yeah, I'm going to hang out with Paige. No, we haven't kissed. Yes, she has paid more attention to me these past two months than you have. Yes, I may like her. Is that enough information?"_

_"It sure is! Guess I should thank you now for not showing up the past two months then. It'll make this whole break up a lot easier."_

_She was already halfway down the stairs, "Yep! You're welcome!"_

_We talked a few times after that. Mostly to iron out how our conversation ended. Reassure each other that our relationship wasn't a fluke, that at one point in time we did love each other. Work out that Emily **wasn't** and hadn't cheated, but emotionally was elsewhere. I apologized for lying but kept up my stance of not finding time to tell her. Emily didn't take responsibility for not attending the funeral because she still stood by her reasoning. I couldn't blame her, but at the same time, she was reading it entirely wrong. _

_But we went from a couple to strangers within an hour. Our laughter turned to tears. Our love to indifference._

_Just like her words, we simply became past tense._

* * *

"Aren't you happy we've matured over the past year and a half?" Emily chuckled.

"I mean, the fact that we're even both sitting here together right now is enough of a statement."

"So let's talk about it. I know you apologized last year for not telling me and I get that you intended to save me from the pain of your mom's inconsistency, but do you see how that started this rift in our relationship that we couldn't even see?"

"Of course I do. You used to be one of the only people I could even trust in my life. I thought you'd think less of my family if you knew we were struggling. I thought you'd think less of me, and I know now that I've had distance from all of it, that was incredibly wrong."

"Thanks... and Alison, I know that you're never going to get why I didn't come to support you. I know that I let you down and ruined what we had because of my own insecurity. I understand that you may never forgive me for those actions, but please say that you'll give me a chance to make it right."

I knew that I had to look Emily in the eye. I needed to be able to sense each part of what she was saying. I needed to look at her and see trust in her eyes. I needed to know she wouldn't leave me again. I needed to know that she was safe. That I would be safe.

But her eyes had changed. The way she stared at me was different. It was no longer with the lust I saw 2 years ago. It was with a tenderness I hadn't previously seen. I believed her. I believed her words, but I had also believed them before. The decision was easy, but my words would be far more difficult.

I held her hand as I spoke, causing her to smile. "Emily... Em, I believe you and I want to give you a chance, desperately. But..." I saw her heart start to break in front of me. She gripped my hand a little more tightly. Her eyes teared up requiring her to tilt her hand backward to prevent them from falling. Her smile fading on its edges. "You have to give me time. I have to digest everything that happened today. I know that I want to find a way to make this work, but you have to give my brain time to figure out how. "

"Yeah... I get that. Just like I told you, I came back for you. I'll wait as long as I need to, Ali. I know it won't happen overnight, but I'll wait as long as you need. Don't worry, I'll woo you." She smirked, pleased with the outcome no matter how difficult it was to hear.

"Hm? Someone's holding themselves pretty damn highly. What makes you so confident?"

"I've done it before, haven't I?" I chuckled in response. "And, now I already know what works and what doesn't." She smiled so sincerely that I nearly doubled over with her adorableness.

"I guess you'll have to wait and see," I replied as I stood to head towards the door.

"Wait. Let me walk you there." She quickly jogged to where I was. "Thanks for talking with me tonight. It was a lot, but I really do appreciate it. Thank you."

"Of course. We both needed some support tonight. Would you want to get lunch or dinner sometime next week?"

"See Ali? My charms are already working. I definitely do want to. Can I text you?" I nodded in reply as I opened the front door. "Okay, great. I'll do that."

She leaned forward to kiss me lightly on my cheek. She was giddy. She was determined. And more than anything, she was willing to wait while I decided what the hell I wanted to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Whew. What a conversation. Let me know what you think. Next chapter: Alison catches up with Hanna and Spencer, and our first insight into Emily's POV.
> 
> I hope you enjoy. Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along. See you Friday! :)


	11. Remember Me Fondly

**A/N: This chapter has some formatting differences to adjust for the 3 different perspectives in this chapter:**

Regular text = present, Alison POV

_Italics text = past, Alison POV_

**Bold text = present, text message**

**_Bold Italics = present, Emily POV_ **

* * *

"What the hell is wrong with you, Alison?"

"Yeah, even I know you shouldn't have given in that easily!" Hanna reciprocated.

My head was spinning. Not only from the glasses of wine Emily and I drank the night before, but also because I was incredibly confused about how the night had gone. It was difficult to imagine that I went to Emily's to make sure she was okay and left with a potential date scheduled?! I agreed with Spencer and Hanna though; I had messed up this situation entirely.

I opened my mouth attempting to explain, "Guys, you weren't there! She was incredibly persuasive!"

"Of course she was! You're hot!" Hanna chimed in before glancing at Spencer as if to say 'What?'

"No, Han! That wasn't it. She was open and honest and remorseful and willing. I don't know how to explain it, but it was literally like talking to an Emily I didn't know but loved me the exact same way. It felt like home. It felt like how it used to be before my mom died… you know?"

Both Hanna and Spencer looked a little taken aback. I never discussed my mom anymore, and I certainly didn't discuss her passing away.

"So you're telling us that not only did Emily wile you into talking about your past but suddenly you're over the PTSD of discussing your mother? Must have been one hell of kiss…" Spencer's voice faded, not wanting to continue.

I put my head in my hands in the middle of The Brew and groaned, "Ugh. I'm so stupid. How did I fall for it again?"

"Woah, Al. I wouldn't be so sure that it was an act…" Hanna suggested.

"But she shouldn't have just gone along with it, Hanna! You were mostly with Emily last summer and didn't have to deal with the repercussions of Emily telling Alison that she was just sleeping with her for the hell of it!" Spencer interjected.

Hanna replied, "Well of course not! I'm not an idiot, Spence! I don't condone most of the shit Emily did last year, but I was also there when Emily was at her worst, and I think Alison should trust her more than you're trying to portray!"

"I'm not trying to portray her as anything! Her dating resume certainly speaks for…"

"Enough! Please stop. You're worse than my own subconscious, damn."

"All that I'm saying is that you need to cancel that date," Spencer suggested.

"And I'm saying to wait to see what she does next. If she's going to be here for you, then she's gotta put her money where her mouth is."

"I guess you're both right? I don't know! I need to go think about it, for sure." I stated, standing, "Thanks for helping. I guess. I don't know… Bye."

As I was leaving you could fainting here them talking… "Like I said Hanna, it must have been one hell of a kiss."

* * *

They were no help. They only reiterated what I already knew. It _was_ a little ridiculous to commit to a lunch or a dinner the first time we spoke. I just kept repeating to myself the entire walk home, 'You can still like her and make her work for it, Alison. You can still think she's pretty and not fully trust her. You can take this one step at a time. Go at your own pace.'

I reiterated my comments over and over again hoping that they would stick as I walked up to my front door, only to find an envelope perfectly labeled.

**_Ali_ **

I could recognize that handwriting anywhere. Emily? She must have stopped by. I rushed inside and cozied up on the couch to see what short note was inside. But instead, I found a multi-paged letter written immaculately.

**_Alison,_ **

**_I am sure at this point you're wondering why in the world you are receiving a letter, but as soon as you left last night, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep. So, I decided that if my night's sleep was effectively pointless that I would write you a letter instead. I know that it will be complete word vomit, but I think it's important that this is where I start._ **

**_Something that I realized over the course of the past year was that our relationship was made up of a lot of grand gestures. You know, we would go out of the way to make it to weekly events. We would go (slightly) overboard on birthdays, Christmas, Valentine's, etc. But something that I know I wasn't good at were the small gestures, the little moments that reminded each other that we were thinking of each other always. So, consider this my first official small gesture to you._ **

**_While wallowing in my thoughts once you left, I also remembered that book we read together over Winter Break about the Love Languages. If you remember, my love language will be physical touch forever and always, as should be evident by the kiss last night. (Sorry again for that. Even as I'm writing this, it isn't lost on me that now I've forced two separate kisses on you. Not good at reading cues, I guess. Sorry. Again.) But I had forgotten until now that your love language was Words of Affirmation. I hope I affirmed you enough back then. I hope that I never wasted a moment to tell you and show you how much I cared. I hope that before your mom's passing, you felt only compassion and honesty from my words and touch. I doubt that I did…_ **

**_When I look back on my past as a whole, I really only take note of the times I didn't do something that I wished I did. I try to live without having regrets for the most part, but the times when I know I could've done better really mess me up. In fact, this all does have more of a point than I first led on, because tonight you reminded me of a memory where I wished I could've gone back. You reminded me of a time you needed to be affirmed, and I chose to distract you instead, thinking it was for your good._ **

**_It was right after you had finished retelling the story of our last date and everything that followed last night. You were crying heavily with a level of pain and desperation escaping your soul that I realized I would never quite understand. You held my hand with defined purpose as though I was your last link to staying grounded on Earth in the moment. But more than that, you were shaking. I don't know if you recognized that you were, but as my thumb traced over the back of your hand, your hand quivered right underneath my own, and it reminded me of another conversation we've had. About a month before your mom passed away. Where I think you got really close to telling me, but instead of affirming you and your bravery that night, I once again was selfish and self-centered. If you are struggling to remember, close your eyes for a minute (once you finish reading this paragraph) and go back to Spring Break. The night I cooked dinner for you. The night we danced. And once you're there, go back to the very beginning of the memory just as the door opened._ **

* * *

_Empty house dinner nights were always my favorite date nights. It allowed me to imagine our future down to the smallest detail of coming home and just being with each other. Nothing fancy and nothing extreme. Just living daily for one another. As it should be._

_I was cleaning the kitchen getting completely ready for whatever dinner we were about to eat when I heard Emily put her key in the door to walk in._

_"Hellooo?" Emily called from the foyer._

_"I'm in here, babe!" I yelled back from the sink, as she began sauntering into the kitchen. Her arms loaded up with paper sacks, a grin covering her face. I walked over to her and put my hands on the sides of her face to kiss her._

_Part way through the light make out happening, I could feel Emily's lips against mine, "Al.. Ali. Al… ALISON!"_

_"What?" I scoffed pulling away before realizing Emily was struggling with the bags in her hand that I hadn't let her set down before placing her lips on my own. "Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Em. Let me help you!" I urgently took the bags from one of her arms for her to put the rest down._

_She chuckled the entire way through, "You're fine, love bug. I can't say that I hated it, but I just wanted to move my hands a bit more, you know?" She walked back over to me and placed her arms on either side of my hips to bring them up to cup my shoulder blades in her hands. Emily smiled into our kiss as she traced down my spine._

_Emily moved her lips away, while still holding on to my back, but placing her forehead against my own, "Here, take a seat. Will you let me cook for you tonight?"_

_I linked my hand around her neck and twirled my fingers through her hair, "Are you trying to win an award tonight or something?"_

_"Well, I already won you…" As soon as she finished the sentence we both made faking gagging noises as we let go of one another, laughing, "Ugh. Could you believe!"_

_"Em, I'm sure we are pretty nauseating," I stated, sliding into the seat at the kitchen island._

_As she was pulling foods out of the bags she continued, "Oh, we definitely are. But not that nauseating! It's true that you are one hell of a prize in my life; I think about that daily. But I don't think I would ever say something like that completely stone-faced."_

_"Hmm… I don't think that's entirely true. You're kind of a sap."_

_Emily looked up at me with a sarcastically shocked expression, as she continued prepping dinner. Throughout the evening, Emily and I, of course, flirted back and forth, but we mostly discussed the future. Even over our eggplant parmigiana with angel hair pasta, we continued talking about plans for the summer and potentially vacations to prepare for our sophomore year._

_Because Emily made dinner, I offered to clean up afterward. Emily took my place at the bar, and as I was washing off the dishes, I looked up to find her staring at me. Not in a strange way, but in a longing way with her head perched on one of her hands._

_"What'cha doing, babe?" I asked while I finished rinsing off the last plate._

_"Oh, just wondering how we got so lucky."_

_Drying my hands off I replied, "See, Em? You're a sap."_

_She got up from the chair and walked around to me. "I'm not sure that I mind if I'm a sap anymore… Would you dance with me?" Her hand was now held out in attempts for me to take it._

_"Right now?"_

_"When else, Ali? Come on, you look beautiful tonight." I looked down at my simple blue jeans shorts and top combo quizzically before taking Emily's hand in mind, knowing that my girlfriend had to be full of shit._

_She walked me out into the living room where we would have more space as she placed one hand on my hip and held my other hand in hers close to her heart. As we swayed, Emily set her face next to mine and began singing the lyrics of L-O-V-E by Nat King Cole into my ear._

_L is for the way you look at me_

_O is for the only one I see_

_V is very, very extra-ordinary_

_E is even more than anyone that you adore can_

_In that moment so many aspects of my life started coming together. Here I was living in a dream. Nothing was better than this. There was no way that my life could get better than this moment. With my mom back in rehab, freshman year weeks from being over, and a beautiful woman wrapped around me, life was perfect. Compared to the distress I felt in my life just 6 months ago as my dad was leaving and my mom was worse than she ever had been, this moment was a revolutionary moment for me to see the growth, progress, and potential I had. Most of which had to do specifically with the woman in my arms. The woman who loved me without regard, who cherished each memory down to its inception, who lived for making me whole. The woman who I was lying to about the depth of my pain._

_Reflecting on the reality of my present, I couldn't imagine stopping the tears that began to fall from my face. Emily immediately pulled herself back from me, "Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you okay? What's wrong, beautiful?" She began bringing her thumb up to wipe tears from my eyes which caused me to cry even more. "Hey, you can talk to me. What's going on?"_

_"This is just a lot. I can't really put it into words… It just makes me think about my mom."_

_"Okay? Al, just because your parents got divorced doesn't determine anything for us. We will forever create these memories. I love you so fiercely, babe. You have every right to be upset, but look at what we've created. Look at how much happier we are together. Listen to the quiet we've become comfortable with around us. Listen to the beat of my heart any time I'm around you and how quickly it races as though no time has passed since our relationship first began. Believe in us and don't let anything else get in the way, okay?"_

_Though that wasn't the exact reason I was crying, I knew Emily was right. Letting the stresses of the world around me deter from what was directly in front of me would take me away from the fact that my source of so much happiness was held within our relationship. So instead of speaking further, I just looked up at Emily and nodded._

_"Let's dance it away, Ali." She smirked before placing both of her hands on my hips to make them sway to an up-tempo beat playing in her head before lacing each of her hands in my own. Moving her hips to the same beat now, Emily moved our arms to the beat until above our heads. She then took our hands and led them so that mine were just barely behind her head as she twirled her fingers in my palms dancing closer to me. Letting one hand drop to trail down my torso, she used her other hand to spin me around, so my back was facing her. With one pair of our hands still connected, she crossed her arm over my chest as her other hand settled on my hip. Our hips lightly ground against one another as Emily leaned forward to gently nibble my ear. Enjoying the light teasing behind our dancing, I turned back around to face Emily as our hips continued moving to our imaginary beat, our legs finding a way to intertwine so that with each step our legs brushed gently against each other. It was the exact amount of flirtation and care that I needed, leading me to laugh incessantly as Emily continued to find different ways to get my mind off of every issue that deterred me from being in the moment. That kept me from loving every single ounce of the woman in front of me.  
_

* * *

**_It's one of my favorite memories of us, Al. For one of the last times in our relationship, we were present together. Visibly in love. Completely entwined. But when I looked back on it last night, I saw the part I had been missing for so many months. Your mom. And it sent me back through every conversation and moment where I tried to be stronger than you when you were weak when I interrupted your attempts at vulnerability and wanted to heal you the only way I knew how._ **

**_I hope you look back on that memory with the same love I do. I hope that me shutting you down didn't taint that memory in your mind. I hope that you're able to remember my sappiness. I hope you can hear my voice whispering lightly in your ear. I hope you can feel my hands gently on your hips slipping my fingers under your shirt to linger on your skin…_ **

**_But after our conversation, I understand if that's not your reality. I understand that my attempts at compassion may have altered once we broke up. I understand if the memories of us actually bring you pain because they have been woven together with the same memories of heartbreak as your home life was crumbling. And I'm sorry that it took me so long to understand that for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't more of the woman you needed at that time._ **

**_I know that nothing in this world is guaranteed and that forgiveness and moving forward will be a hell of a task. But I'm excited for the opportunity to create new memories with you. I'm dreaming of the day I can wrap you in my arms once more, but I'm so willing to wait._ **

**_Remember these memories. Remember my love. Remember how it used to be. And then, imagine our future. Imagine new love. Imagine new memories._ **

**_Take your time. I will be forever patient._ **

**_Fondly,_ **

**_Em_ **

I was unable to process what I had just read. It was one of my favorite memories of us because of the way Emily could put me at ease. After my conversation with Hanna and Spencer this morning, I had no grasp on how to move forward. Emily had broken me before and my fear of that occurring again resonated deeply. But Emily was also my greatest love.

I remembered the memories. I remembered the love. And I remembered how tainted it was by everything around us, first. But I also remembered Emily last night. I remember her eyes looking at me intensely trying to find every nuance. I remember her hand walking me through my past. I remember her lips delicately on my cheek with the desire to not make me uncomfortable.

With all of it in mind, I knew my next move.

**To Emily: Hey, Em. Got your letter… thank you. I loved it, but it got me thinking about hanging out this week. Mind if we change it up a bit?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: And there you have it! How do you think Ali will change it up and what did you guys think of Emily's letter? It was so fun to write this chapter because it has so many little niches of conversation and perspective. Thanks so much for all the support! See you all Tuesday!
> 
> Also, if you guys are looking for an Emison story that includes more mature themes, better writing (imo), and just overall more maturity, I would love for you to check out my other story on this site Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams. It's fully written as well and is being updated on Sundays and Thursdays! :)
> 
> As always, Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	12. The Great Divide

"Ugh. I can't believe you talked me into this…" Spencer groaned while adjusting her hair in the downstairs mirror.

I popped my head in to console her, "You're the one who told me to not to go on a date!"

"Ali, you know that _this_ was not what I had in mind." She walked out to the living room where I was nervously tapping my foot sitting on the couch.

"Oh, come on! You know you'll love it… Mostly because you love me, but you'll love it."

"I haven't spoken to her in months, Alison, and now we have to sit at a table together as if we get along!"

I stood up as I continued, "Maybe you will, Spence! I'm telling you that she's…" I was interrupted by my doorbell. "Look! Here we go! How do I look?"

"Yeah, yeah, you look great. Let's get this over with."

Looking towards Spencer, I took a breath and opened the door. "Hey, guys! Thanks so much for coming over." I stepped back to open the door allowing Hanna and Emily to step inside.

"Hey, Ali…" Emily said, leaning in to give me a hug. Her arms felt familiar, and the way one arm draped around my waist to squeeze me tighter caused my anxiety to lessen instantly.

As we let go, Emily's arm lingered a few seconds too long, which to be honest made my stomach turn. I hugged Hanna quickly so that the evening could begin, and Emily and Spencer wouldn't have to interact too much before the conversation got going.

"Alright! Well, thanks everyone for coming!" I said walking toward the kitchen.

"Ali, it looks so good!" Hanna said while walking the opposite direction, "Have you redecorated?"

I followed her toward the living room as I responded, "Yeah… I realized that I needed a change of scenery once Jason and I got the house last year." My voice dropped lightly at the end of my sentence, but almost instantly, I felt Emily's hand scratching my back in support and comfort. I stepped forward closer towards Hanna to move away from Emily's touch. Not because it was unwanted, but because I needed to set a tone.

"Yeah, I remember hearing about that… what exactly happened, Al?" Emily asked from behind me.

"How about we talk about it over dinner? I don't want food to start getting cold!" I stated while attempting to guide Spencer with my eyes to start walking. This evening would be harder than I thought.

Spencer helped me out as she said she would be following my question with one of her own, "What would you guys like to drink? I'll get it ready for you both."

"Thanks, Spencer. I appreciate it! I'll take water. How 'bout you, Han?"

"Water sounds good!" she replied, as both she and Emily took a seat. "So, Alison, what'd you cook up for us?"

"Well, I remember all of us being partial to Asian food, so I cooked up some chicken and pineapple fried rice. How does that sound?" I finished as I began carrying everyone's plates to the table.

"Looks great, Ali. Thank you." Emily replied, looking me directly in my eyes as I set her plate down.

Taking a seat, I continued where I had earlier stopped, "Wow. First, thanks everyone for coming. It means a lot that even through the wreckage, you all are willing to come together, even for just one night to help me out a bit. But Emily, I guess you and Hanna wouldn't really know the whole house story. Basically, in the divorce, my mom got the house, but once she passed away and my mom gave it to Jason and me in her will, my dad came back to fight for it. Uhh… so we had to go to court. It took a super long time and fortunately Spencer's dad was willing to represent us for free, or we definitely would've blown through the money she left us. Anyways, long story short, we won, but it's better off calling me an orphan because I no longer speak to my dad…" I looked up to see the shock on my friends' faces, "Sorry for dampening the mood, guys."

"No, Ali… thanks for telling us. I'm sure that was a lot to go through. I'm happy you had your brother there with you." Emily said, sincerely as I saw Spencer's head snap up from the other end of the table across from her, definitely confused by her sincerity. "Jason is back in college now though?"

"Yeah, he technically became my guardian, but for him to be able to continue going to school, I got emancipated. So, I'm kind of all on my own, which has been tricky but I'm embracing it."

"Wow. I'm super proud of you, Alison. Like really proud." Hanna followed up. "And the house looks amazing; you've really made it your own."

"I know this won't be surprising to you guys, but it helps a lot that you're here to make new memories in it. Sometimes I think it's still too filled with my mom."

"That's totally understandable. I'm speaking for all of us here, but we're up for coming over to put happiness back into the house whenever you need." Emily replied, leading to an audible scoff from Spencer.

"I'm sure you would…" she muttered under her breath, leading me to hit Spencer's upper arm with my hand.

Emily cleared her throat before continuing, "Spence, I could actually use your help. You know, since I quit swimming and all I need something new to put on my college resumes. I was wondering if you might be able to get me an in on the Mock Trial team? I hear that it's…"

"Oh, cut the shit, Emily!" Spencer raised her voice to interrupt, causing me to literally choke on the rice in my throat.

Hanna looked to her left and shot daggers at Spencer, while Emily sat flabbergasted at what was occurring.

"Excuse you?" Emily questioned.

"You heard me. Cut the shit. Why in the hell are you acting like this is normal right now? You are literally in the home of your EX-girlfriend eating dinner with two other people you barely even know! You basically tried to ruin 2 out of the 3 of us over the past 18 months, and now you're going to waltz back in like it's nothing! Alison may forgive you for the literal hell she was put through on your cue, but I would rather jump off a building than listen to your fake ass bullshit about Mock Trial."

"Spencer… stop." Hanna interjected. The only true middle ground between the 4 of us. "Here, let's take a pause. Come upstairs with me. We gotta calm you down."

Even as they were walking off, you could still hear Spencer, "No, Hanna. You cannot convince me that the wicked witch is …."

I glanced to my left to look at Emily. A guilty expression covering my face. "Wow. I am so sorry, Em. I didn't know tha…"

"No, no. It's okay, Alison." She grumbled, standing up and walking towards the door that leads to my backyard. "I deserve it…"

I followed her out to the swing on the patio, where she sat staring off into the now dark evening. "Emily, you definitely didn't deserve that. I invited you as a guest, and you should've been treated that way. I'll make sure that I talk to her about it."

"No, Al. I will. I have to have the same type of conversation we did with her. I mean, minus the whole 'I-still-really-like-you' part." She smiled looking down towards the grass "It really does suck though that so many decisions that seem little at the time snowballed into this insanity."

"Worse than that, this was our first attempt at trying something different this time around," I said laughing at the absurdity of it all.

"I don't know what else I expected though. All of our get-togethers got a little feisty."

* * *

_Christmas Break was a highlight for the 5 of us. Of course, there was the highlight of not having school, but Monday and Saturday nights during break turned into slumber parties without question. As the first Saturday, since break was starting, the party was bound to be a blunder. Per usual, we all met at Spencer's barn around 5 and immediately started with a tequila shot._

_Aria shook her head vigorously, "Ugh… I hate those. Why do we always have to do them?"_

_"Oh, get over it Aria! It's been the same song and dance for the past year and a half, you're not surprised." Hanna said, pouring herself a margarita as though she was unfazed. "What's the plan tonight, bitches?"_

_"I don't know about you guys, but I'm exhausted from finals. Can't we just relax?" Spencer lamented as the rest of us shook our heads no._

_Emily and I were snuggled up tightly on the couch, looking at each other intently as everyone spoke around us._

_"Earth to Emison!" Hanna practically yelled between us._

_"Please, don't do that…" I groaned while pulling away slightly from Emily._

_"You guys can have date night every night for the next two weeks, so cut us some slack please." Aria pleaded._

_"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Your wish is our command." Emily replied, slyly placing her hand back into mine and giving it a kiss. "Spence, were you able to order the pizza earlier?"_

_"Yep! Piece of cake. By this point, I call and say 'Same order,' and that's it. Should be here soon."_

_Hanna's impatience broke through the conversation again, "Now that pizza's settled, are we ready for Truth or Dare?"_

_"Truth or Dare?" I whined. "Why would we do that?"_

_"Because you guys are like some old married couple and Spencer is literally curled up in her red chair like she may die. We need to pick up the pace!" she finished, clapping to get the point across._

_"Yeah, let's do it," Emily replied, causing me to snap my head toward her in surprise. She leaned in to whisper in my ear, "Come on, babe. We'll have fun, promise." She assured me before kissing my cheek lightly._

_Throughout the evening, between pizza and far too many margaritas, the truths and dares remained relatively tame, ranging from taking shots to current crushes, and prank phone calls. It was apparent though that as we all became more unwound, so did our requests…_

_"Hanna, truth or dare?" Spencer quizzed while throwing back her fourth margarita._

_"Dare. Duh."_

_"Let us look through your phone for 2 minutes." Spencer's smile went from ear to ear as she knew she had dug Hanna into a hole._

_"What?! No! I don't even get time to clear stuff out!"_

_"Clear stuff out? What the hell do you have in that thing?" Aria squealed, grabbing for Hanna's phone without a second thought._

_"Go for the texts!" "Head for the photos!" "Don't forget about the DMs!" We all screamed from our spots around the room._

_"You and Caleb need to calm this shit down." Aria shook her head, looking lightly disgusted as she passed the phone to her left to Emily._

_I sidled up next to Emily, while she made her way to her photos._

_"Hot damn!" Emily exclaimed, showing me the partial nude shot in Hanna's phone. If anyone was going to enjoy any R-rated clips, it surely was going to be Emily and me._

_"How long has it been? Please make it stop, Spence!" Hanna peered through her fingers on the floor beneath us._

_"Twenty seconds!"_

_"Quick! Al, take a selfie!" Emily ushered, pulling me closer. Her lips hit my cheek instantaneously as I winked at the camera. Emily quickly moved to make the photo Hanna's background before Spencer shouted 'Stop!'._

_"God, that was miserable!"_

_I laughed as I teased Hanna mercilessly, "Em and I now know that Caleb sure isn't miserable though…" Everyone fell out laughing as Hanna continued to grow redder._

_"Fine, Ali. Truth or Dare?" Hanna shot back._

_"I know I'll regret this, but dare." I turned to look at Emily, nerves filling my extremities._

_"Alright, make out with Emily."_

_"For real?" I questioned, turning toward Emily deviously. "You heard her, Em. We have to kiss now."_

_Emily met my gaze back smiling as she replied, "Well, I promise you won't regret this."_

_Spencer reached down from her seat and hit Hanna across the back of the head, "Why would you encourage them?"_

_"They've been relatively hands-free all night! And is it wrong of me to be intrigued?"_

_I began laying back on the couch, and Emily worked her way towards my lips. She held herself precariously above me as she leaned down to whisper above me, "Hear that, babe? Hanna wants a show."_

_Emily smiled leaning into our kiss, which I reciprocated with a light moan, missing the feeling of her always gentle way of initiating. I slid my left hand down Emily's side so that I could motion for her legs to move up closer to my waist, as she lowered herself above me. Emily tucked her right hand behind my neck as she continued becoming more and more aggressive with her kiss and touch. I fixed my hand on the back of Emily's thighs while Emily secretly moved her left hand, which was discretely covered with the back of the couch, up the hem of my shirt sliding her fingers against my skin. My back arched up to meet Emily's touch as I traced her bottom lip with my tongue. Emily pulled away briefly, giving me a kiss on my nose, before meeting me back as our tongues began dancing against the other. My left hand moved up Emily's thigh and settled in her back pocket. Emily's hand continued moving farther up my shirt until it reached the bottom of my bra. As she tilted her body to the right to block my body from view from the girls watching, she caressed my breast sending a chill through my entire body. My fingers moved to lightly grip her ass through her pocket. She hummed against my lips as she pulled away from me. Not wanting the moment to end, I reached up for one last peck and pulled her bottom lip with my teeth._

_"How was that?" I sarcastically asked, turning my head to the left to ask the other girls._

_Though Aria and Hanna's mouths were stuck hanging open, Spencer was able to get out only one word, "Damn…"_

_I leaned into Emily's chest as I started to speak, "We were more than happy keep you guys entertained. Weren't we, beautiful?" I asked, kissing Emily again._

_Hanna replied, "You have no idea…"_

_"Alright, Aria. Your turn, truth or dare?" I asked._

_"After that display, I have to go truth. There's no way I can top anything remotely like that."_

_"Hmm… okay." I paused. "Aria, tell me something you don't want me to know."_

_"Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of her not wanting you to know?" Spencer balked._

_"That's the point, Spence!" I retorted back. "Aria?"_

_"I guess nothing too extreme, but I definitely did not like you as much until you starting dating Emily. You were sometimes super bitchy, and I didn't feel very connected to you. But Emily's mellowed you out for sure… so yeah, that."_

_Emily rubbed my arm gently, knowing that my anxiety was rising by the second. "Okay. Warranted." I sharply replied back, standing up to go and get another drink._

_"Woah, Al. You can't get pissed about a question you asked her!" Spencer exclaimed, coming to Aria's defense._

_"No, I get that. Just makes me regretful of any prior bitchiness."_

_"I mean, it was pretty regular, Alison."_

_"I get it, Spencer! Can we just drop it? I can be a bitch, we all know this." I agreed, wanting to drop to subject as soon as possible._

_"It's fine if you don't want to talk about it, Ali, but it kind of further proves the point." Hanna finished, as the room went silent in the midst of the tension._

_Emily sat quietly, which I understood what with having 3 extremely outspoken women surrounding her, but at that moment part of me wished she had spoken up. Even if she agreed, even if she remotely considered it to be true. I wished that her voice raised more of a concern than just her apology in my ear when I sat back down. Saturday slumber parties always turned out this way. One person upset. One person consoling. The other three silently discussing an alternative topic. It just so happened that Saturday was my turn. Lucky me._

* * *

"I guess that's what happens when there's too many Type-A's in one room." She joked, nudging my shoulder with her own.

"Who, me?!" I looked around as though it was the furthest thing from the truth.

Emily sighed, "I missed this."

"What?"

"This. Literally this. Just me and you enjoying each other's company. Knowing exactly what to say to each other to make whatever grandiose issue there was at the time, minuscule in a moment's notice. Joking about any and everything. I missed it. I missed you."

"Yeah, this part is pretty great, Em. Thanks again for agreeing to this. I know that it probably wasn't your ideal first hang out at attempting to be friends or something more, so thank you for stepping out of your comfort zone."

"Well, like I said, I'm going to be here for you Ali. No matter what. I won't literally jump through hoops, but I am willing to do just about anything to show you how much I really do care." She sighed and brushed one hand through her hair before looking over at me. "This isn't an act, Alison. It isn't bullshit. I never would have uprooted my entire life if I didn't think it could be worth it. I hope you know that, no matter what Spencer's opinion of me right now is."

"You don't have to explain yourself to me. I'm trusting you. Whether or not that's a decision I regret later, it feels perfectly right in the present. Don't worry, Em." I finished, smiling over at her.

"Great… I'll take that for now. But if anything is ever going to happen again with us, I have to settle whatever this is with Spencer. Come with me?" she said standing and looking back over her shoulder.

"I'll be right behind you." I sat on the swing a moment longer to reflect on the conversation Emily, and I just had. It was surreal. Yes, Emily discussed missing me, but she didn't touch me or try anything as she had done just days before. She seemed worried about my reaction to her and Spencer more than progressing our relationship at all tonight. I don't know what I was expecting, but this Emily wasn't it. How could a woman who was previously so persistent to hold my hand and show how much she loved me through romantic gestures, now be restrained and hesitant to act on her words? But the more I thought about the previous days, the more I was reminded of the advice Hanna had told me Sunday, 'Wait to see what she does next. If she's going to be here for you, then she's gotta put her money where her mouth is.'

And maybe this was the way Emily intended to do just that…

I walked back into the kitchen to see Emily, Spencer, and Hanna back at the table, but Emily had taken my spot so that she wasn't so far away. I snuck in quietly hoping to not interrupt.

"Spence, I get it, really. I took advantage of your kindness last year. I prevented our friendship from growing by focusing it solely "Alison-this" and "Alison-that." You have every right to be upset with me, but we have to figure out a way to get over this."

Spencer sighed heavily, "Thanks for acknowledging that. I just don't get why…" she started raising her voice a little bit before Hanna coughed into her hand, bringing Spencer's voice back to an even level, "I just don't get why our friendship has always had to be defined by your and Alison's relationship. It's never felt like you were in it for my benefit. It's felt like you were always just in it for Alison."

"Yeah, okay. That's understandable, and I'm so sorry that I made you feel that way. Umm… I'm going to be forward with you, Spence. My intentions with Alison are sincere. I like her. A lot." She paused to chuckle to herself, smiling which led to a sly smile sneaking on my face. "But knowing that we, me and you, are okay is one of the stepping stones for me to picture Alison and me lasting long-term. Our friendship as a group is paramount. Alison and I lost sight of that last time, and I'm so sorry that it ended up hurting our friendship. I'm not letting it happen again. That's why settling this tonight is so important. Does that make sense?"

"It does, and I accept your apology. I'm not used to the idea of you two dating though. I'm going to need more to back up all of this talk, Emily." Spencer was not backing down. She spoke directly, and it was apparent that she was unwilling to budge.

Emily laughed, "I'm happy we're on the same page then. That's what I was trying to do tonight. It's my bad for not realizing that some foundational work on our friendship needed to be done first. Want to meet at The Brew this weekend, just us? I really would like to hear about Mock Trial. That question wasn't bullshit."

"I'm sorry for saying that, Em. It just struck a nerve… Yeah, let's meet up this weekend and finish wrapping this up. Damn. I feel terrible for ruining this evening Ali planned."

"You didn't," I called from the back door, causing everyone to jump back to look at me. "Everything happens for a reason, Spence. It's alright."

Hanna broke the light silence, "I don't know about you guys, but if there's any way I'm going to pass this first quarter of classes, I have to go home to study for this English test tomorrow. Sorry for bailing. Em, want me to drive you home?"

"Yeah, that'd be great," Emily replied, as both of them stood up and headed for the door. Emily hugged Spencer along the way, "Honestly, it was great seeing you tonight."

I walked toward everyone and gave Hanna a quick hug as we said goodbyes. As Emily turned toward me, she brought me in for another hug and whispered, "Thank you for having us, Ali. I'll text you."

"Bye, Em. Thanks for coming!" I replied, closing the door on them both. Once again, no attempt at anything from Emily, but the whisper lingering in my ear still brought a smile to my face.

I turned back around towards Spencer who saw my face and immediately began talking, "Wow. Was that really Emily?"

"Yeah… I told you. Something's different."

"She really likes you, Ali. You like her too, don't you?" she questioned, which I could only reply to with a nod. Spencer replied with a chuckle, "Well Ali, if Emily isn't full of shit and you're really trying to make her work for it, then I have some bad news for you."

"What's that, Spence?"

"Your plan is screwed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: What do you think? Emily's laying in on pretty thick, isn't she? Next chapter involves two pretty crucial events: Emison 2.0's first date (that means present-day), and another event that I'm gonna keep to myself for now. But get ready! That will be out on Friday for you all!
> 
> As always, Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along. :)


	13. First Things First

Over the next week, I played it as cool as I could. Emily and I said 'Hi' from time to time in the hallway, and I caught her glancing at me more than once in History, but we mainly talked after school over text message. Beyond that, I tried to not give any indication that I was severely interested in Emily Fields. Emily, on the other hand, was not attempting to hide anything.

From flowers to sneaking a short note in my lunchbox during the day to not discussing anything about her day until we had thoroughly made it through mine to a random text in the hallway to compliment what I was wearing, or how I had just laughed at a joke, the list could go on and on. Emily was persistent. Not in acting on her feelings, but making sure they were widely known to me. It was adorable and frequently pinched myself to wake up from this dream I was positive that I was living in.

Just like we had been every night, on Friday Emily and I caught up on our week and potential plans for the weekend.

**From Emily: How'd your test go today?**

**To Emily: It went fine, I think. I was pretty over it though. Who schedules a test on a Friday? Everyone's already dreaming of the weekend!**

**From Emily: I'm sure you did a great job, Ali. You've always amazed me with how impressive you can be when you really put your mind to something... Also, speaking of the weekend?**

**To Emily: Were you thinking of something already? :)**

**From Emily: Not really. I was actually hoping of planning something together. I'm pretty sure that the ice rink opens this weekend downtown. Would you want to go?**

**To Emily: That sounds like a blast! The issue for me is the whole public part of the ice rink.**

**From Emily: Oh...**

**To Emily: Yeah, I'm sorry. I just don't know if I'm comfortable with that yet. Could we go purely as friends and then maybe do a take-out dinner at my place?**

**From Emily: Alison, I completely understand. Remember, this is on your terms. So if you're best off with the friends in public, dinner in private scenario tomorrow, that's fine with me.**

**To Emily: Okay, let's do it. Also, Emily, don't take this the wrong way, but what changed with you over the past year?**

**From Emily: Haha great question, but how about we leave some topics up for discussion to talk about tomorrow?**

**To Emily: Sounds perfect. Night.**

**From Emily: See you tomorrow.**

Sleep did not come easily. Between restless dreams and racing thoughts, there was no hope for an adequate night's sleep. It may have been worry about the next day, or concern that I would come on too strong, or fear that my mother wasn't here to guide me through this process. But deep down I knew that the lack of sleep came from a desire for Emily to continue seeing me the way she always had, for her to not be with me alone and realize that the depth of my pain and residual anger would be too much for her to manage.

Because we would come back to my place after, Emily figured it would be best to pick me up. I decided to go with some red denim pants, a white shirt paired with a cardigan, and a light scarf, just in case it was breezy. Emily's mind was on a similar page as she was wearing jeans and a long-sleeve shirt with a light jacket in hand as an extra accessory. I met her at the car hoping to cut some of the tension that may come with her picking me up at the door.

We greeted each other as I leaned across the center console to give her a brief hug. After a pause for Emily to effectively pull out of my driveway, she started the conversation, "You know, I'm surprised that we never did this freshman year."

I chuckled, "Yeah, it seems like it would be right up your alley."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it takes athletic ability which you have in spades, but back then you loved any and all reasons to hold me close to you." I couldn't grasp how easily Emily had already made me nervous and had me reminiscing about past versions of ourselves that were unlikely to have duplicated entirely to the present.

She coughed lightly, most likely caught off-guard at my response, "Did you not like that?" she questioned, knowingly.

"No, I loved it. It was just an observation. Forget about it."

"Ali, that hasn't gone away. I would have loved to hold your hand at the dinner table last week. I would've killed to kiss your cheek in the hallways at school, and I would love for this afternoon to be similar to how we used to be, but that's just unlikely. This is new for both of us all other again. It's weird, yes, but Alison it'd be unfair for us to not treat this as a new relationship."

"I guess it's comforting to know that you don't find me repulsive, and I agree. We have to go into this with a fresh mindset. I get that..."

Silence filled the car as Emily pulled into the parking lot for the ice skating facility, "One second, Em." I paused her just as she had finished parking, "I'm 100% willing to treat this as a brand new relationship the moment I step out of this car, but I just wanted to make one last comparison."

She smiled at me, looking at me endearingly with her doe-like eyes. "What's that?"

"Do you remember that our first date was almost 2 years ago exactly?"

"Of course I do, Alison. I'd never forget it." She replied, before opening her driver's side door to step out into the parking lot.

Of course, she remembered. It was a dumb question to ask. It was ridiculous of me to assume that she was unable to see the parallels between us then and us now. Was it just as ridiculous for us to assume that we would be able to hit a reset button without living partially in the past?

Zoning out, I jumped as my car door opened next to me, "You ready to go, Alison?" she asked, holding out her hand to help me out.

"Yeah... sorry." I replied, undoing my seatbelt and grabbing my purse before reaching for her hand.

As soon as she had helped me out of the car, she let my hand go, remembering my wish to remain just friends in public. We approached the counter and got our skates in order. Emily decided to pay for skating this afternoon, and I would pay for dinner tonight. It took a few minutes to get the locker to our shoes and purses, and also put our skates on, but within 20 minutes were we tiptoeing our way to the ice.

Emily stepped out first and then reached back for my hand again, not knowing whether or not I was comfortable just stepping out on the ice without support. I smiled up gently at her while grabbing her hand to balance myself.

"You any good at this?" she questioned, as I let go of her hand once feeling more comfortable.

"I like to think so. Wanna race?" I replied, looking back over my left shoulder.

"You know I won't let you win, Al."

"I know! That's why it's fun. One lap around?"

"Perfect." Emily said assuringly, "Outside cones only. Loser pays for the locker?" she held out her hand to shake.

"You're on. Ready. Set. Go!"

Doing anything as a competition with Emily was bound to be rough. She gave her all to everything she did and a single lap around an ice skating rink was no different. It was obvious that I was the better skater overall, but Emily's drive made it a far closer race than probably either of us assumed. Though I stayed ahead for most of the race, Emily straddled one of the last cones with her skates to edge me out on the final curve, leading to her being the victor.

She laughed loudly in confidence. Seeing her smile more than made up for the light cheating that had just taken place, so instead, I skated right up next to her as she leaned against the wall by the entrance.

"Nice try there, Al," she said, still laughing.

"It was pretty neck in neck, but I'm more than happy to pay for our locker," I said, turning my eyes to face hers.

"Really? No arguing from _the_ Alison DiLaurentis." Her intriguing tone indicated that this was one of the first moments where she noticed a difference between old me and new me.

"Nope. No arguing." I pivoted to entirely face her, "I'm just happy that it was fair race and I didn't totally smoke you."

"Ah, there it is. I knew you were still in there somewhere." She jested, reaching over and lightly patting my upper arm.

"So Em, what'd you tell your mom about today?" I questioned, knowing the discomfort that hid beneath our first relationship when it came to Mrs. Fields.

Emily skated away from me, causing me to have to catch up, "I didn't. It's none of her business."

"Woah, Emily Fields now has a backbone when it comes to her mother?"

She looked over at me with both a smirk and a glare, "I have a backbone when it comes to my sexuality for sure."

"You didn't back then?" I was confused due to how self-assured Emily always was when I was with her and her mom.

We slowed down our pace around the ice rink and skated again over to the edge. "Not really... I mean, you remember how it was with my mom. She loved you, but she definitely didn't love you and me. So, I always hid how much I liked you from her as if I was protecting her from the potential hurt of her daughter really being gay."

"There's no need to remind me, Em. I definitely remember."

* * *

_The week after we told all the girls about our relationship was the week we let each set of our parents know too. Emily and I figured that Fields Family Tuesday was a better time than any, but also knew that telling Mrs. Fields would be a real test to the start of our relationship. Emily assured me at the forefront that I just needed to be there to support the conversation and not leave if her mother asked me to. So, suffice to say that I was more than a little nervous._

_As Emily and I sat in our usual spots while we started our typical Tuesday conversation. About 10 minutes into dinner, Emily took a breath and started talking._

_"Hey Mom?" she asked, getting her mom's eyes to meet her own, "I want to tell you something... um, we wanted to tell you something." Emily glanced over at me and bit her lip. "Mom, Alison and I are dating."_

_Mrs. Fields put her fork down haphazardly, "You... and Alison?" She looked at me concerned._

_"Yes, Mom... me and Ali." Emily reached over and took my hand in hers, and I began tracing my thumb on the outside of her hand._

_Mrs. Fields looked right at me, "But I didn't even know you were gay!"_

_"Mom!" Emily immediately interrupted._

_I started speaking, "No, it's okay. Mrs. Fields, I know that this seems sudden for you, but Emily and I have discussed this for a week or so now, and we wouldn't have done anything without thinking it through."_

_She whispered, "Thinking it through..." She stood up from the table, but turned back to say, "Alison, you should leave."_

_"Actually, Mrs. Fields, we would really like to talk to you, together. I can answer any questions you need me to ans..."_

_"No, Alison. I need you to leave. Emily walk her to the door."_

_I looked at Emily and compared to the conversation we had earlier, she was shut down. She walked me to the door nearly expressionless and whispered 'I'm sorry' as she opened the door._

_"Have a great evening, Mrs. Fields. I do hope that you reconsider. I will reach out to Emily for anything I need to do." I kissed Emily on the cheek and wondered where in the world the woman I was dating was behind her fear._

_A few months after the rocky start from Mrs. Fields, all was mostly okay. I was able to come to dinner on Tuesday, and Mrs. Fields even would allow me to come over some nights that she worked late with the understanding that we would not enter Emily's bedroom._

_Of course, that rule was flexible in our opinion, and we frequently took advantage of her kindness for our own benefit. Typically on Mondays, I cooked while Emily finished up swim practice and then we would quickly eat before moving on to other priorities._

_Per usual, Emily walked in with her hair still wet, short shorts, and a loose t-shirt which always made my heart beat faster than her in nearly anything else._

_"Mmm... smells delicious, love bug." Emily said, dropping her bag by the door._

_I walked toward her, putting my arms around her waist, "Thank you, beautiful. It's only spaghetti." I kissed her gently._

_"Only spaghetti?! What an insult!" she replied, walking me backward while still connected towards the kitchen._

_"Okay... there are meatballs too."_

_She chuckled, "Well, it's official. I love you. Terribly, terribly." She kissed me deeply while still walking me back towards the food._

_"I love you too. Let's eat!"_

_We sat at the dinner table, and Emily ate rapidly attempting to refill herself of all the calories she lost during practice. Emily ran upstairs to change after dinner allowing me to clean up a bit, but once she still wasn't back down by the time I was through, I followed her to make sure she was okay. When I walked upstairs, Emily was brushing her hair in her mirror while dressed only in a bra and boy short underwear._

_"Well, well, well. What did I do to deserve this?" I walked over to her and immediately slid my hands over her bare stomach to her back._

_"I was hoping you may follow me up here." She teased, tucking my hair behind my left ear while continuously leading me back to her bed as her lips found their way to my neck._

_Leaning back on the bed, my hands found the dimples in her back and tilted my neck so Emily could work up and down my neck. My hands quickly traced down to her ass as Emily's lips found mine again while her hands worked down to pants and began undoing the top button and zipper. I kissed her lips ferociously while my legs tangled up with hers. Emily's lips started working their way down my chest, raising my shirt to skip to my stomach as her hands moved my pants lower and lower. My hands roamed across her abs and up to the back of her neck to trail my hands through her scalp. She leaned up briefly to allow me to kick my pants to the floor and Emily moved back, kissing just above my underwear, as her fingers linked in the hem._

_It was then that we heard a gasp and snapped our heads toward the door. I immediately thanked God that my fingers on the back of Emily's bra had decided to work back up to her neck and that Emily hadn't moved to take my shirt off, or Mrs. Fields would've been in for quite a show._

_"Mom!" "Mrs. Fields!" Emily and I gasped, simultaneously. She immediately turned around to give us a moment to collect ourselves. "Mom, I'm so sorry."_

_"Em... I said no bedroom."_

_"Mrs. Fields, it was my fault! I followed her up here. I'm sorry. It will never happen again."_

_Emily pulled a shirt back over her bra and walked back over to me and put her arm around me. "Mom, we promise. I'm so sorry."_

_"Emily, we'll talk later. I'll be downstairs in my office. Say goodbye for the night, girls."_

_I turned toward Emily shrugging guiltily. Emily consoled me. "Babe, it was bound to happen at some point, okay? It's okay. We'll survive."_

_"Okay... I love you, Em."_

_"Love you too. More and more?"_

_"Always more and more." I gave her one last kiss before bounding down the stairs and out the door as quickly as I could._

* * *

"So what's our plan this time regarding your parents?" I asked as we were taking our skates off the head back to the house.

Emily walked to the locker to grab her shoes before looking back at me, "I plan to appreciate every moment we have getting to know each other again and figure it out from there." Her gaze followed mine as I walked over to grab my things from the locker following her.

"One step at a time." She finished, giving me a kiss on the forehead. "How does that sound?"

"I think we can make it work, Em. One step at a time."

We drove home in comfortable silence, randomly ask each other a question, or filling each other in on a part of our week we had forgotten to share. It wasn't difficult at all to fall right back in line. As soon as we got back to my place, I ordered us some pizza, and we made ourselves comfortable on the living room couch.

"So catch me up Emily, what's changed with you over the past 2 years? What can I expect? What's different? Tell me everything." I scooted closer to her, honestly intrigued.

"I did promise this discussion, didn't I?"

"You sure did, and I, for one, am delighted to hear it."

Emily appeared nervous but willing. Unsure but determined. And with a twinge of shakiness in her voice, she began, "For as much as we have discussed everything that you went through after our break-up, Hanna's right that it was hard on me too. Ultimately, I didn't really understand the gravity of your presence in my life. I hadn't realized the amount of my life that revolved around your happiness. I never grasped that I was my best self for you. Daily, I sought to make each day better than the last we had together. Though it was time for us to break up, Ali, I wasn't ready for the aftermath. And I spiraled."

I reached over to scratch her back comfortingly, which she didn't seem to mind, but she seemed to pause longer than what was needed to determine where she wanted to go with the story next.

"It was nothing compared to what you went through, I'm sure. But it made me realize that I needed to figure out where exactly everything went wrong and the kind of person I needed to be to ensure that it never occurred again. So I started going to therapy pretty regularly, and throughout it, I realized that I steamrolled you." Her voice trailed off, and so I spoke up attempting to correct her, "No, Ali. I did. I had this idea of grandeur of what our relationship should be and wanted to emulate that at every turn without having a firm grasp of where you stood or what emotions you were toying with regarding your sexuality. I expected you to speak up whenever uncomfortable without telling you that you even had the opportunity to speak up. It was unfair. So after you left my house a few weeks back and I realized how much I still cared about you, I knew I had to be different this time. I needed to respect you above myself. I needed to respect our relationship above my desire to have one. That's why I'm different. I know that I want you, Al, so I need to be the woman you want too. Does that make sense?"

She put her hands together in her lap and looked down knowing the immensely vulnerable position that she was now in. It took all of my power to not reach over and take her in my arms, but it wouldn't be the right time. If everything Emily had just said were true, I needed to respect her and much as she was respecting me. I couldn't act impulsively. We had more we need to talk about before settling anything.

"It makes perfect sense, Emily. Thank you." I ended, placing one hand on top of hers just as the doorbell rang.

We moved into the kitchen sitting around the island enjoying slice after slice of pizza. Emily always had eaten pizza voraciously, and it was endearing that her swimmer's appetite hadn't faded. She looked up after her second slice to ask me a question with a giant blob of sauce on her right cheek. Without thinking, I reached across the corner of the island with my right hand to wipe it off with my thumb. In the same way, Emily placed her fingers on my wrist so she could playfully lick the sauce off of my thumb. As immediately as it had occurred, we both recoiled.

"I'm so sorry, Em." I stuttered into my plate.

"No, I'm sorry. Too far. My bad."

Still staring at my plate, I continued talking, "Um... Emily, you do know that I like you, right?"

"You do?" she looking up at me smirking, "I figured that you did, Ali. But it's adorable hearing you say it."

I chuckled, "And... I kind of overheard you talking to Spencer last week." It was apparent that Emily was wracking her brain for what she could have possibly said that she didn't intend for me to hear. "So I know that you like me too. A lot." The last two words I put in fake quotations just for memory's sake.

"But you already knew that, Al."

"Well, yeah, but I just wanted to be honest that I overheard. Also, I did just apologize for the pizza sauce thing, but I'm really not that sorry."

Emily laughed out loud, "You did me a favor. I'm the one who crossed a line." She looked over at me to judge the expression on my face. "But Alison, since you brought it up lightly, I do want to have a conversation with you that we never had back in the day."

"What's that, Em?"

"After we broke up, I heard through the rumor mill that you officially came out. Congrats, by the way." I smiled in reply, knowing where Emily's questioning was going, "While we were dating, I know that you had come to terms of the idea of me being the only girl you had ever liked... I guess I'm just wondering... I guess." She began stuttering over her words.

"You're wondering how or when I knew I was bi?" she nodded as our eyes met. "Umm... I guess I knew while we dating. Probably early our second semester of freshman year."

"Then why did you never tell me that, Al? You know I would've been there for you."

"I mean, to a certain extent, the label of my sexuality is more for other people than it is for me. I date who I date, and that's enough for me. It really doesn't need to be a conversation; you never let me down in that regard, Emily."

"Okay... Good to know. I, uh, just would feel poorly if it was something you were struggling with and I was unaware."

"Em, it's in the past. Remember, we're staying in the present for this one?"

She nodded in reply, "Yeah, yeah I know. I just needed to clear the air."

Throughout the rest of our night together, we continued catching up. Intermittently discussing time apart and thoughts about all aspects of the future. Her voice calmed me. Her laugh invigorated me. And her smile sent me over the edge. I had forgotten her dimples. How in the world had I forgotten her dimples? The way her cheeks became rosy, both when embarrassed and when insanely happy. It was a great introductory date that I hoped would never stop, even though that was impossible. I walked Emily to the door a little after midnight.

 **"** I had an excellent day, Emily," I said, brushing my hand against her upper arm.

"It was pretty great, wasn't it?" she replied, leaning in to kiss my cheek. "Goodnight, Alison." She finished, reaching for the door handle.

I knew that sleep once again would not come easy. That I would be wide awake dreaming of every single moment that occurred during our day together. From the biggest of conversations to the smallest of details, my mind would race. I would go through every possibility and chance I took or overlooked, and there was one possibility that I didn't want to second guess.

"Em?" I questioned, causing her to look back at me. I stepped forward and muttered under my breath, "Fuck it..." And I kissed her. Briefly but passionately, my hands on the side of her face.

This time there was no anger or resentment in her kiss. There was care and tenderness. Her lips were still different, and I knew internally that I wished I could kiss her longer to find out all the nuances and the explicit ins and outs of the new woman in front of me. Our kiss was fierce but short, both knowing that moving too quickly back to what we remembered would be a detriment for where we wanted to head.

"Thank you," Emily whispered as we parted.

I chuckled, "You were waiting for me, were you?"

"Of course I was. Goodnight, Al. I'll let you know when I'm home safe."

"Night, Em." I kissed her cheek once more.

I didn't know what this meant. I knew it was new. I knew it was different. But I knew it was what I wanted.

And for right now, that would have to be enough. ****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: See you all on Tuesday! Have a great weekend! :)
> 
> Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	14. Testing the Waters

For Emily and me, one of the most important things that stood between us being a couple was our friendship with the other girls. Because of the fracture we were mostly responsible for, Emily and I both discussed repairing those friendships without our relationship being a factor. After Saturday's kiss occurred, we talked at length on Sunday via phone about abstaining from anything _too_ romantically-related - basically, nothing more than a quick peck now and then - until we were able to sit all the girls down and work out a potential friend group again. Not only did this provide excellent motivation for the two of us to make friendships work again, but it would make our future reunion that much more bittersweet.

As part of our discussion, we also determined that we were not going to discuss this kiss or the magnitude with which we liked one another to anyone else until we both were ready. This aspect was selfish in nature because our last go-around all facets of our relationship had gone through our friends first instead of each other, so we wanted complete openness with each other and not the group. Also, I secretly wanted to see if Emily could keep a secret.

To keep the reunion has relaxed as possible, we opted to get our nails done and then get lunch, hoping that seeing each other outside of a forced environment would make everything loosen up a bit. I figured that it would be nearly impossible due to the fact that both Em and I had to separately reach out to Aria in order for her to commit, as she was consistently replying about "not wanting to get caught up in the drama" and "worrying about what happens the next time there's a dispute". But both Emily and I had promised her that Saturday would not be about any of that. So after much prompting, all the girls decided to meet up at my place to have us all ride together to the salon that our appointments were at.

To throw people off of the scent, Emily intentionally arrived late, but of course, Emily's tardiness was nothing compared to Hanna's.

"Where the hell is Hanna?" Spencer groaned from my living room couch. Emily responded to her quietly, and they both pulled out their phone to reach out yet again.

During this time, I gave Aria a tour of the updates I had done since my mom's passing, "So, in the kitchen, I didn't have to change too much. But I did decide to get a different table that was a little smaller and didn't have the feeling of so many family arguments around it."

"Ugh. I know the feeling, Ali. Now going through my own parent's divorce and everything, it hits home how little all of us were there for you. Like, it's tough to fully comprehend or empathize with someone when you are unable to put yourself in their shoes." Aria lamented. She had been incredibly present since she arrived today. It was promising to me that it didn't appear that Aria had a grudge against anyone; she simply didn't like watching us previously fall apart.

"Thanks for understanding, but I do hate that this is how the understanding came to be. And I wasn't alone, Emily was there for me the whole time." I walked around to the other side of the island and began to fill up a small glass of water. I gestured to Aria to see if she would like some as well, but she shook her head and continued speaking.

"Speaking of Em. How's that going?" She asked, smirking at the end of the question.

I replied as nonchalantly as I could without giving anything away, "It's good. I mean, it's weird starting back at square one of a friendship, but I think that we're making progress. Hanging out with all of you guys really helps."

"Well, then I'm more than happy to be here, even if it just cuts some of the tension."

Little did Aria know that the only tension that remained between Emily and me was purely sexual. Emily had given me a hug when she first got here, but she immediately went off with Spencer to catch up about a Mock Trial mock competition that took place after school yesterday. They were on opposing sides and had to regroup, but throughout their conversation and mine with Aria, we caught each other's eyes more than once. I did my best not to smirk, but it was obvious by the pit in my stomach that I needed today to go exceedingly well so that I could finally act on all of my intentions. Emily had her hair up today, and she kept stretching her neck (probably purposefully) as she looked at me, a subtle way of teasing me from across the room.

A few minutes later Emily announced that Hanna was around the corner, so we all stood to go get in my car and wait for Hanna.

"So sorry I'm late guys!" Hanna stated, out of breath as she slid into my backseat.

Aria had vied for the front seat, while Spencer and Hanna opted for window seats in the back, putting Emily right in the middle. Right in the sight of my rearview mirror.

Spencer couldn't let the tardiness go, "Well, thank God Ali had the foresight to not schedule our appointments until 11:30 or we'd be screwed. Where were you anyway?"

Emily began 'coughing,' "*cough* Caleb! *cough*"

"What was that?" Aria asked, turning around in her seat intrigued.

As we drove down the road, each of the other girls opened up about their individual relationships, all fairly new, but all definitely in a deep state of like.

"Em, how's your dating life going?" Aria questioned, trying to catch up.

"Well, I guess I'm just taking some time to be independent since Paige, and I broke up." She paused, briefly assuming that Aria did not know about the breakup, but she didn't react. "So I guess I'm working on myself? Though it sounds lame." Emily provided a fake pout for extra effect. She was really laying it on thick, wasn't she?

"No! Don't say that!" the girls around the car starting exclaiming. Hell, I even through one in for good measure.

"Taking care of yourself is not lame at all, Emily. Never think that. What about you Ali?" Aria continued on.

Well, damn. I was in a pickle because I couldn't use Emily's excuse and I definitely couldn't come out and start blabbing, so I did the next best thing. I told a half-truth.

"I started talking to someone a little after school started, but I'm still not sure if it's going to go anywhere."

"Congrats, Al!" Hanna said from the back seat, pushing my shoulder. "You deserve to move on!" She replied, before really evaluating her words.

"Wait, wait, wait." Aria stated trying to catch up, "You haven't dated anyone since…" she trailed off, pointing her thumb back at Emily.

Emily and I had, of course, discussed this, and it was very clear to me that with our break-up, my mom's death, my family's court case, and my emancipation that a relationship would not fit into that picture well. But as far as the girls knew, Emily knew none of that. So, as per the theme of the day, we acted.

Emily put a slightly surprised look on her face, as she glanced over at Hanna and then me, waiting for a response.

I looked back in the rearview mirror, making direct eye contact with Emily. "No, I haven't. It's just never really felt right. But talking to someone again has been a great first step for me. Relearning what butterflies in your stomach feel like, and my head racing anytime my phone buzzes. It's been fun!"

"So spill!" Hanna probed, "Guy or girl?"

I laughed and said my first out-right lie to throw off the scent, "Guy…"

Spencer interjected, "Yes! Finally, now we can catch up about dating a guy issues. I've been missing it… Sorry, Em." She apologized to my ex next to her.

"No, it's cool." Emily replied, "Alison, I'm happy for you. You deserve the best."

Aria turned back around in her seat, literally amazed at the conversation taking place between Emily and me while I pulled into the parking spot at the salon.

The girls all got out of the car and started walking toward the door. As Emily was in the middle seat though, she held back just a second and waited for them to get ahead, before leaning forward, kissing me on the cheek and whispering, "Tell that guy you're talking to, to back the fuck off." I grinned and turned my face towards hers to give her a brief kiss before hopping out of the car without being suspected.

Emily and I raced to catch up with the group, as we chuckled while joining their side "Wow. You guys really did patch things up, didn't you?" Aria asked, looking at the two of us.

We both smiled. "Yeah, we did. Honestly, I don't think we've ever been better." Emily stated though we both knew that was a lie. We both knew that there were times in our relationship that would forever outshine any future memories we may make.

\---

_Winter Break was an incredibly defining time for our relationship. Other than our real, real first time, the break was filled with nearly unlimited time to spend together. Emily and I had built somewhat of a tradition of switching ownership of planning dates back and forth so that we wouldn't tire of treating ourselves to special occasions. The Wednesday before our first weekend trip was my date day to plan, and I was thrilled for its simplicity and romanticism._

_Jason and I picked Emily up a little after 3:30 so that we could get out of town and to our destination with time to spare. Jason had become more than used to being our chauffeur until one of us turned 16. Though at first it was awkward, he had quickly learned to stay silent and not pay attention to the disgusting amount of love between Emily and me._

_A few minutes after I called her, Emily nearly sprinted to the car and immediately leaned across the car to give me a kiss._

_"I've been looking forward to this all day." She murmured as she pulled away._

_"You're adorable. You do know that we saw each other yesterday, right?"_

_"Am I not able to miss you as soon as you leave me, anymore? You used to find it endearing."_

_"Babe, it is one of your cutest qualities. I'm just giving you shit." I replied, leaning back across the car, pressing her against the back seat to kiss her passionately. My finger traced under her chin to bring her face up to mine as I gave her deep but quick kisses to reassure her._

_"If that's the response I get, please give me shit more often." She quipped back. We laughed as Jason groaned, pulled out of the driveway, and headed to our destination._

_As Jason drove, Emily placed my hand in her own while she circled her thumb against my inner palm, sparingly bringing my hand to her lips to lightly trace them against the back of my hand. She did this without a second thought now. Her main mode of functioning was making me endlessly happy and turned on, while effortlessly humming to the tune on the radio. I glanced over to look at her frequently as she stared out the window without a care in the world. With her knowing that her world was safely beside her, she was the most content when she was with me. I wanted to be in her head and peer through all of her thoughts. I wanted to feel more than just what she expressed. I wanted to know her contentment. I wanted to hear her deepest beliefs and commitments. I wanted her. More than anything, I wanted her deeply._

_We pulled up to the lookout point just a little before sunset, and I quickly hopped out of the car to start setting up while Emily sat in the car looking utterly confused. She rolled down the window just as I was putting the trunk down._

_"Love bug? Whatcha doin'?"_

_"Setting us up! What's it look like?" I questioned back, as I walked back over to the rolled down window to give her a brief kiss._

_"Am I supposed to help?"_

_"Nope. Just wait right there." I replied, setting up everything we would need for the next few hours. After about 5 minutes of set up time, I walked back to the car door and opened the door for Emily, "Alright, babe. I'm ready for you." I said dramatically, gesturing with my arm to small picnic behind me. "See you at 10, Jase?" he nodded, before rolling his eyes and driving away._

_It was not a surprise reveal by any stretch of the imagination as Emily had been sitting there the entire time I set up, but she still put her arms around my neck to pull me in closer to her as she stood._

_"Why are you perfect, Ali?" she asked, putting her forehead against mine._

_"I could ask the same about you," I replied, placing my hands in her back pockets after they slid around her waist. I kissed her once more before bringing her near the edge of the small mountain we were on. "So, I was driving back after Jason's and mine's hike this past weekend when I saw this spot, and I knew right away that I only wanted you to be with me the next time I came out here. Isn't it gorgeous?"_

_"It really is!" she replied, staring in amazement at the gorgeous sunset minutes from setting in front of us. "How did you plan this so perfectly?"_

_"Google," I replied, shrugging and linking my hand in hers. "I figured that we could use the time to decompress after this semester at school. I also learned some fancy facts and shit about the stars to impress you if you're interested."_

_"You. Are. The. Absolute. Cutest." Emily said, kissing me lightly after each word._

_"Let's go sit, babe. The sun should be setting in the next 5 minutes." I lead her towards the cute little blanket I had set up and pulled out a fancy bottle of wine my mom had in her wine storage. "I figured we could toast?"_

_After pouring us two small glasses for our toast, Emily placed her arm around me as we stared out towards the horizon. "So Al, how are we?"_

_I choked on the question, wondering exactly what she meant, "How are we? Great, right?"_

_Emily laughed, "I think so. I always just want to make sure we're on the same page. In such a short amount of time, you've become my world. And I guess that scares me because you have my entire heart in your hands. Like I'm just 15 and you 14, and here we are so incredibly devoted that I'm afraid that at any moment it's going to crumble." She looked down, obviously stressed out about the thought process she was currently in._

_"Hey now, beautiful. Of course it's a little scary. Don't forget that you have my heart in your hands, too. I trust you from the depths of my soul, Em. We just have to be here for each other regardless of anything, okay? The only reason any relationship crumbles is lack of communication. We're on the top of a gorgeous mountain, and I have a stunning woman beside me who does not need to worry in the slightest about where I stand." I kissed her delicately before we watched the sunset._

_"A toast. To us: to our happiness, our friendship, our relationship, our future." I said leaning my glass toward hers before clanking them and drinking Emily's concerns away._

_We continued looking at the horizon before laying down to talk before the stars fully came out. Within the next hour though, some stars were definitely visible._

_"Okay, babe. It's time. We've gotta sit up for part of it though." I said, helping lift her up._

_"Mmm… I'm so ready. Impress the hell out of me." She replied, kissing my temple._

_"First, we have to look over here…" I stated, pointing, "So you know Orion, right? The three little stars on the belt are kind of a guiding map for the rest of the night sky, but because it's the winter, some of the key constellations aren't on display."_

_I continued pointing out the stars on the horizon telling Emily all of the facts that I had memorized throughout the day to look like I know more than I actually do. But with every new star, Emily was more intrigued. She looked at me with enamor and was incredibly fascinated. After looking at the horizon, we laid back down so I could point at the sky around us._

_"You're amazing, Al." Emily glanced at me, once I finished up. "The fact that you would do all of this for me…"_

_"The fact that I would do this for you is 100% understandable, Em. You are worth all of this and more, and I really don't get where this sudden insecurity is coming from."_

_"I guess… like Alison, you could have anyone you wanted. And you chose me for some reason. You see something in me that I don't always see in myself."_

_"Emily, don't even question anything about our relationship. I chose you because when I looked forward at my life, I knew you were worth all of the risk. I knew that you were above and beyond what I needed in my life. You take care of me and make me love myself before anyone, or anything else could shut me down. I hope I make you feel the same way…"_

_"Of course. It's just a moment I'm going through, I guess."_

_"Come here. It's okay. You are perfect for me, and I don't want you to doubt even a second of that. Come here." I pulled her into my chest as we scooted toward a rock to have more support. "It's okay to feel insecure, beautiful, but please don't doubt us in the process. You are sincere and kind and motivating and stunning and captivating and the only person for me. I will always want you. Forever and ever. More and more."_

_"More and more?" Emily glanced up at me._

_"Yeah, like it's endless. Every day you mean more to me. Every passing moment I want to be with you. Everything we do, I want to do with you forever."_

_"More and more…" she snuggled back into my chest._

_"Yeah babe, more and more."  
_

_\---  
_

As Emily finished her sentence, we glanced at each other smiling, as Emily held to door open for the rest of us to walk into the nail salon. When I walked through the door, Emily subtly hit my ass with the rest of the girls in front of me. To be honest, if Emily and I could keep doing these hidden flirting numbers, we may never need to tell the girls because it was so much fun.

Starting the day with the nail salon ended up being the perfect introductory activity back into our friendship. We were able to laugh at Hanna's feet being ticklish and help each other pick out nail colors and catch up with the people next to us while also being involved in more extensive conversations.

Once we had all finished up at the salon, we headed to a small café for lunch. As we all sat down and got settled, I started the conversation, "So guys, I set today up for all of us because I miss our family. I miss everything that we've done today. Honestly, you girls are the only family I have left, other than Jason, and I don't want to lose you guys. I know that Emily and I caused the rift, but we're cool now. Right, Em?" I looked over, and Emily nodded, looking away shyly as she tucked her hair behind her ear. "See, we're good. So I want us to be good. Do you think that's possible?"

Around the table, the girls looked at each other before expressing some form of agreement, both verbally and non-verbally. Aria did have a question though, "So like pardon my line of questioning, but a few weeks ago you were on the side of the road having a panic attack because of an argument you and Em had, saying that you had been screwed in your whole breakup, and now it's kosher?"

Emily took over, but not after looking at me questioningly, as I had not filled anyone in on my interaction with Aria a few weeks back. "I mean, Aria, we had like a 4-hour long conversation delving through all of our shit to get where we are now. We aren't perfect, but we understand everything way differently now and can move forward from it. Having a friendship is more important than any bitterness we may have had. You guys are more important. So, yeah. It's kosher because things are definitely more important than gross misunderstandings from 2 years ago."

I swallowed and looked away from the conversation, not necessarily agreeing with all the words Emily was saying, but knowing that she was attempting to patch a group back together that didn't technically need to know all of Emily and mine's truth.

"Ultimately, we have chosen to move on, and we hope that you guys will move on with us. It will take time, but we want to have more days like this." I finished off, looking around at all of the girls.

"Honestly, Han and I have been waiting for this day for a year. We didn't know how long it would take, but we've always wanted the gang brought back together. What about you, Aria?" Spencer asked.

"It's going to take me a bit, but I really have enjoyed today with you guys. I'd love to see how it goes and just become more comfortable with the whole thing again. I need family again too, but next time two of us fight, we can't all splinter. With an odd number, when we splinter someone is left alone. I was left alone, guys. So we have to promise that won't happen again. If two of us break, the other three cannot."

"Oh, I'm so okay with that. This bullshit was ridiculous." Hanna interjected. "I'm not getting involved in any drama you guys stir up this time." She finished, pointing and Emily and me.

"Guys, we get it, okay. We're taking accountability for everything that happened in the past, and we're all older now. We can all make our own decisions without splintering." Emily reassured.

After putting differences aside, the rest of the day went swimmingly. We were able to laugh again and get back nearly to normal. Yes, it wasn't perfect, but we were on the right track. As we said our goodbyes outside of my house, we even started discussing sitting together at lunch on Monday. I hugged each of them goodbye before walking into my house feeling immensely proud of the success of the day.

As I was hanging up my purse and straightening up things around the kitchen that were out of place though, the doorbell rang. Thinking someone had left a purse or something important, I opened the door hesitantly. When I saw Emily on the other side, I opened the door more to let her in.

"Fancy seeing you here," I said, teasingly.

She walked inside to stand parallel to me in the foyer, "Do you think we did it? Were we convincing? Did we get the friends back together?"

Taking a step towards her after each answer, I replied, "Yes. Yes. And yes."

Emily bit her lip as I walked closer to her, "Oh thank God." She said, breaking our distance by wrapping her arm around my waist and bringing our lips together.

My hand immediately raised to the side of her face as I grunted lightly thrown off by the force behind Emily's kiss. Emily scratched my back gently as she pulled away, "It took everything within me to not do that in front of them."

"It was nearly impossible, wasn't it?" I asked rhetorically, placing my right hand on the back of her neck twirling my finger in circles right by her hairline. Emily nodded in reply, biting her lip once again sending me in a downward spiral. "So, now that we know it's nearly impossible…"

"We have to talk about us, Ali."

I took a deep breath knowing that it was finally time to figure out every aspect of what a new relationship may entail.

"Let's do it," I said confidently, a smile spreading from ear to ear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Alright guys! Next chapter is the one you all have been waiting for... an official Emison reunion, mixed with a flashback into some super cute Emison fluff. See you all Friday!
> 
> Also another reminder that I do have a second story on this site called Needs, Wants, Desires, and Dreams that is also an Emison story. Check it out if you're looking for something to hold you over until Friday! It updates every Sunday and Thursday :)
> 
> Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.
> 
> \- secretpen28


	15. You Make It Easy

As I was hanging up my purse and straightening up things around the kitchen that were out of place though, the doorbell rang. Thinking someone had left a purse or something important, I opened the door hesitantly. When I saw Emily on the other side, I opened the door more to let her in.

"Fancy seeing you here," I said, teasingly.

She walked inside to stand parallel to me in the foyer, "Do you think we did it? Were we convincing? Did we get the friends back together?"

Taking a step towards her after each answer, I replied, "Yes. Yes. And yes."

Emily bit her lip as I walked closer to her, "Oh thank God." She said, breaking our distance by wrapping her arm around my waist and bringing our lips together.

My hand immediately raised to the side of her face as I grunted lightly thrown off by the force behind Emily's kiss. Emily scratched my back gently as she pulled away, "It took everything within me to not do that in front of them."

"It was nearly impossible, wasn't it?" I asked rhetorically, placing my right hand on the back of her neck twirling my finger in circles right by her hairline. Emily nodded in reply, biting her lip once again sending me into a downward spiral. "So, now that we know it's nearly impossible…"

"We have to talk about us, Ali."

I took a deep breath knowing that it was finally time to figure out every aspect of what a new relationship may entail.

"Let's do it," I said confidently, a smile spreading from ear to ear.

Emily laced my hand with hers, as she walked me to the couch in my living room. She sat down at her usual spot on the couch while I sat down on the floor in front of her, her hands making their way to my hair to push it to my left shoulder.

"So let's talk about it, Al." Emily started, putting her hands on my shoulders to give me a light massage.

"This is weird, isn't it?" I replied, looking up while rolling my neck around to get more comfortable under her touch.

"Totally weird… I don't even think we ever had an official conversation about dating, ever."

"Yeah. I'm pretty sure we just went on our first date, and that was it. But we do have to talk about it this time. We need to be realistic."

Emily sighed, "I agree completely. We went into it last time too naïve. So, Alison, I guess a good starting point would be, who are you now? What's different?"

"Ooh, great question. Let's see. I'd say that I'm more confident now. Both in my sexuality and just who I am. I'm no longer unsure about my parents, my mom, or anything that would over complicate my life. What about you?"

Emily scratched the side of my arm as she continued, "I'm happy you're more secure. It was hard watching you struggle 2 years ago, but not knowing how or what I could do to help… For me, I think it may be the opposite. In our relationship, I felt like I needed to be more confident because I was more experienced and didn't have struggles with my family like yours. But now, I guess I don't quite like living up to the person everyone else expects me to be. At school, I'm forced into this mold of being an athlete, intelligent, and some weird gay icon or some bullshit, when all I want really is to hide."

I looked up at her after noticed that she was aimlessly running her hands through my hair. Seeing her staring off into space, caused me prop myself up with my hands to slide onto the couch next to her and place my arm around her. "No, I get that, Em. You don't have to be anyone other than you around me. I hope you know that."

She rested her head on my shoulder, "Of course I do. I've always been able to be me around you. I think it's part of the reason I've fallen for you all over again so quickly."

I turned to kiss the top of her head, "Speaking of quickly… How do we ensure that we don't get caught up In the feelings of our old relationship and actually treat this one as a new one?"

"I've been thinking about that…" Emily sighed, moving her head from my shoulder to the back of the coach. "I would think that we just have to go into this relationship with different intentions."

"Different intentions?" I questioned, turning my body towards hers on the couch.

"Yeah, why did you want to be in a relationship with me last time, Alison?" she mimicked my movements, turning toward me as well.

"I guess I thought you'd be good for me. I liked you as a person and was insanely attracted to you, but I also thought that you would be able to heal me in some way, fix my brokenness by just… being there."

Emily held her hand out to grasp mine. "See, Al. This time we can't be in it to heal ourselves. I'm never going to have the ability to heal your wounds. We can't play that role for each other. We need to already be whole ourselves before we attempt to get each other's crazy involved."

I exhaled, "Whew. You're right. Well, I hope you know that I don't need you to fix me anymore. I just want to be a better me. You make me a better me." Emily looked at me puzzled, "Like you make me want to be someone who is good enough for you."

Emily smiled and leaned back to her left against the couch. "I feel the same. Last time, I mainly was still trying to figure out who I was and thought that you could fill in the missing pieces. But this time," she paused to smile, causing me to lie my head against the sofa as well. "This time, Ali, I want to be with you because I know who I am without you, now. I know what it feels like to love you and be loved by you. I want the chance to see if we can work again, and see if we can fall in love with each other all over again." She paused again to look away from my eyes. "I know that's idealistic, but I can't go through the rest of my life wondering if you and I were meant to be."

"You don't have to look away, Em. We're always going to be a little idealistic. But taking a chance for the right reason, no matter how unrealistic it may seem right now is worth it."

"How did you know it was worth it last time?" she asked, sitting up already intrigued by my upcoming answer.

"Other than trusting you as a friend first? I guess I didn't know that it would be worth it really… It took until a few weeks into dating for me to know that, regardless of the outcome, you were worth making an impact on me."

She leaned forward and placed her hand underneath her chin, "Yeah, Ali. I know exactly the weekend you're talking about. The questions, right?"

* * *

_Over the first weekend of November, Emily's mom had allowed her to spend the night at my house with the belief that a) my mother would be home, and b) that the remainder of the girls would be here with us, but instead that Saturday after her tournament became our first official couple sleepover. Of course, our relationship was still juvenile, so we barely held hands while we slept, still overly cautious of the person we were dating. To go along with the relationships juvenile nature, as Emily and I were sitting in the living room after eating a quick dinner she turned to me excitedly._

_"Don't get freaked out or anything, but I want to do something with you."_

_I looked at her from the corner of my eyes, "Well Em, when you put it that way, it does make me a little freaked out."_

_"No, no, no. Just listen." She requested, pulling out her phone to pull up something. "I found this article that's been all over the internet the past few days from The New York Times. Supposedly you're supposed to ask someone you're interested in these 36 questions and then stare at each other for 4 minutes, and it will lead to the two people who answer to fall in love." She finished the explanation excitedly, looking up at me wide-eyed._

_"So, you want us to ask each other the questions? To fall in love?"_

_"I doubt it's instantaneous, Alison!" she exclaimed, reaching over and hitting my arm lightly, "Come on, babe! It'll be fun, and we'll get to know more than we probably already know about each other."_

_I scoffed while pulling out my own phone before I realized that Emily was sitting on the other side of the couch with a light pout on her face._

_"Oh, for real? Emily, this is really what you want to do tonight?" she replied by just nodding her head. "Fine. We better settle in then." I finalized, turning my body around to lean my back into her chest, her arms taking their usual spot draped around my upper body. "So what's first, sweetheart?"_

_As she settled in behind me, she held the phone with her right hand on her side, "Let's see… Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?"_

_The questions continued back and forth in the same, not very intrusive way, but it was incredibly interesting to see the care and precision that Emily wanted to answer every question. She was ensuring that I understood each facet of her answer and her thinking process behind them. If the question was more difficult, the more care she spent in forming her response._

_"Okay, the next one is 'For what in your life do you feel most grateful?'"_

_I hummed as I thought out my response, "Most grateful… at this point in time, I'm extremely grateful for my friends. All of you give me the ability to just relax, especially with everything going on. You guys don't expect anything from me but what I'm willing to share. In particular, I'm grateful for you because of your ability to just calm me. You take my fears and worries at face value and instead of attempting to fix every issue, you sit with me in them. You let me know I'm not alone, ever."_

_"Awh, babe." She sighed, as I tilted my head up to kiss her, "I'm most grateful for the time we've been able to spend together over the past few weeks. It really has been so remarkable to see our ability to grow from simply friends into girlfriends. I didn't know how exactly we were going to make it work, but the way we spend time together has to be my favorite." She nestled back into the couch before continuing, "'If you could change one thing about the way you were raised, what would it be?'"_

_"Oh, that's super easy for me. I would change the way that we ate dinner together… most of the time not all of us would be there and then it would turn into an argument, or would instead turn to silence. I wish we would've appreciated that moment of time we were able just to be together before we lost that." Emily grazed her fingertips over my left arm to remind me I was there._

_"I understand that. I know that this is maybe an expected answer, but I really do wish that my dad would have been here for more of it. I don't regret staying here in the slightest, but I wish there were a way to combine both to make it… easier, you know?"_

_"Of course I do. From the time I was young, I've always known that my life wasn't going to be the easiest. I've felt it deep in my bones. And though parts of each of our lives are hard, being with you is easy. Even if every other part of our lives are hard, at least this will be easy." I closed my eyes as I leaned back into her chest._

* * *

"Yeah, Em. Just hearing your answer so deeply resonated with me. Being with you that night was really the first night of our relationship I fully felt comfortable. I felt like we belonged." I turned my back to rest again on the couch.

"And to think you didn't want to answer those questions at all…"

She leaned in grinning as Emily met her lips with my own as she placed her hand lightly against my check. She kissed me multiple times rubbing her thumb back and forth on my face before leaning away and putting her head back on the couch, letting a pause linger in the air.

"What are you thinking, Emily?" I tucked a piece of hair behind her ear.

"I'm not sure, really. I don't know how to manage taking this relationship slowly… Like we've already said 'I love you' before, and we've already had sex and had so many dates and celebrated anniversaries, so how will those things be unique to our new relationship? Won't it all blend in?"

"I don't think so. We just need to be as open as we were last time, Em. For example, I'm not planning on having sex with you soon."

Emily blushed at my forwardness, something that was most definitely different from freshman year. She laughed subtly before responding, "Noted. And I wouldn't expect you too. You definitely have to have pretty damn close to love feelings before you're willing to take that step. I do remember that much."

"Exactly right, and I love you dearly, but I am nowhere near to being in love with you again."

She leaned back as if shocked with one hand over her oval-shaped mouth, "Ooh harsh!" she could barely finish her statement before laughing at herself and resting her back against the arm of the sofa, her legs still folded on the cushion. "I guess I'm not that upset about that comment, though it does sting a little more than I thought it would. If it makes you feel better about yourself, I'm not in love with you either."

She said the comment with a hint of insincerity and her eyes partially closed in a way that made me question her full honesty in the moment. Even if she would've been incredibly freaked out for me to already be in love, it was obvious that deep down she wished the hard part of the relationship was over. Whether she would admit it or not, she was a little hurt by my comment.

With my right arm still on the top of the couch, I began moving my body over the top of hers towards her face while whispering, "Don't worry though, Em." I paused with my left arm holding me up just over her face, as her legs stretched down the couch to graze mine. My right arm moved around from the couch down to her hair to shift it away from her face, as my lips got closer and closer to her face.

My lips grazed just below her jawline as Emily's eyes remained closed. She shuddered beneath me even with that light touch indicating to me that she was already melting in my hands. I continued moving my lips to the pulse point on her neck, slowly alternating between kissing, sucking, and licking one of the spots I knew made Emily immediately weak. As if on cue, Emily began humming her lips together, her sign of sheer pleasure. Her hands made their way to my waist, as one hand stayed on my hip to steady me above her, while her other hand circled its way up to the bottom of my neck. She delicately traced her fingers along the back of my neck while the hand on my waist began tightening its grip. Hearing the humming subside, I worked my lips back up to her own as I captured them beneath my own. Since unofficially getting back together, we hadn't yet kissed this aggressively and my brain sought to make sense of every minuscule difference in her touch. Her lips felt slightly more forceful but were more restrained than usual as though she was allowing me to take more of a leading role, a role I quickly took from her as I kept one hand lightly on her chest while the other began descending down her side. As she felt my hand rest on her stomach, her hand came down from my neck to hold her hand over mine to indicate not going any further in this moment. I drew back from her barely swollen lips to look her deeply in the eyes, still straddling her hips between my legs.

"I'll be sure to let you know the moment I am."

* * *

**A/N: Sorry this one was a little shorter than usual, but next chapter will be up Tuesday! Have a great weekend!  
**

**Read. Comment. Bookmark. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	16. I Promise I Will

"I'll be sure to let you know the moment I am."

Emily sighed beneath me, "Damn. This is going to be so much harder than I thought." She looked up at me and barely moved her legs, indicating that we should sit up again from our compromising position.

I started working on fixing my hair as I sat up, "I know… I was already going for your shirt, and we've barely had one solid make-out session."

"I must say that I was extremely impressed with your confidence though." She paused to readjust and lay her head in my lap. "Though I am all for us taking it slow, if you keep that confidence up, I may just have to change my mind."

"Hmm… is that so? Then I may have to make you." I said, leaning down to kiss her lightly.

Emily moved from my lap to stand promptly, "Nope. Nope. Nope. Al, you can't do that shit."

"Do what?" I asked, somewhat facetiously but deep inside knowing that I loved seeing Emily flustered.

"Oh, don't be coy now! We can't have a conversation 10 minutes ago about taking this slow and being patient and treating this like a new relationship, but then have you constantly testing me to see how far I'll go!" She was still pacing, pulling her hand through her hair.

"Woah, Em," I stated, walking toward her to hopefully calm her down. "Em, that wasn't what I meant to do." I brought my hands out to hold hers, as she quickly moved away to continue pacing on a different side of the room. I had gone too far.

"Okay…" I inhaled deeply, "Babe, I pushed the limit. I was just trying to get you flustered. You know that I would never push us towards more than I thought we were ready for. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry for saying one thing and my actions immediately doing something else. I guess I was too caught up in the moment and wasn't thinking about how you would interpret my actions." I started walking back over toward her, "I get it. I'll stop. It was too much, especially for tonight. Please come sit back down with me?" I asked, extending a hand again. This time she smirked and entwined our fingers, as I pulled her closer to me. "How was that? Is there anything else you need to forgive me?"

She moved her other hand to my chest, "Just lay off for the night, okay? You are extremely adorable, but the more you pull shit like that, Ali, you make it nearly impossible to resist. If you want to take it slow, I will, but you have to make it possible for me."

"You got it. I promise. Less confident, unsexy Alison headed your way." I chuckled and started fumbling with my hair tie to put my hair in a ponytail as I walked back to the couch.

Emily laughed as she followed me, "You know that's not what I mean..." she caught me by the waist just before I sat down on the couch, "Also, you still are incredibly sexy with your hair up." she finished, kissing me lightly on the nose.

"You realize that now you're doing it," I remarked, sitting down on the couch. "And yes, it is unfair for us to do that to each other. Point taken." I huffed, disappointed by the rules Emily and I had already laid out.

"Thanks for understanding, but I wasn't lying about the sexy comment."

I peered at her from the corner of my eye, "Oh, I know, I'm trying to work out where to go from here though."

Emily turned her body back toward me, "You know that even during our last relationship we didn't only kiss and hold each other close, right?"

"Emily, that's not what I mean," I sighed. "You're ridiculous; I'm talking about what other parts of this conversation we need to have."

She leaned her head back against the couch and looked up at me knowingly, "Let's see, we've talked about who we are, our expectations, and our intentions. I guess all we have left is where we're planning to go and how we're going to deal with conflict this time around."

"How can we possibly know where we're planning to go when we haven't even started going yet?"

"Go with me here, Al," she said, exasperated. "If everything went swimmingly from beginning to end, how do you see it going? What's your dream for us?"

My dream for us had changed dramatically from where it was this time during our first relationship, this time last year, or even a few weeks ago. There was a time when my dream for us extended into forever. There was a time when my dream for us occupied much of my thoughts. There was a time when my future began and ended with her in mind.

* * *

_After a brief pause, I looked back up at Emily for the next question, "What's the next question, beautiful?"_

_Emily pulled back up her phone to check, "Take four minutes to tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible."_

_"For real?"_

_She chuckled, "Yeah, for real."_

_The questions from there on out kept getting more difficult. They made me stress out about what Emily would think of me and how she would react to hearing me pour out my soul. But she sat there and listened; she took in my flaws and didn't question my ill-intent or my selfishness. In the same way, I absorbed Emily's answers without prejudice, hoping and wishing that Emily felt the same._

_"What is the greatest accomplishment of your life, Al?"_

_"Ooh, my greatest accomplishment? And I can't say dating you?" I teased looking up at Emily from her chest, as she hit me on the shoulder, "Okay, okay. I would say that I am the proudest of how during this time of chaos in my life currently, that I've worked to overcome it. I haven't let it get me down for too long, and I think I've become a better person because of it. I'm really proud of that. I don't know if it will be my greatest accomplishment in the long run, but for now, it's a highlight for sure."_

_"I'm proud of you for that too. I know that it's been hard for you, but for so long you went through it alone, without anyone knowing, and you were stronger than I think I could've ever been if I went through the same thing. You have every right consider it significant. You've chosen success over bitterness. You're incredible..." She continued to massage my forearms with her palms._

_"Hey now, I would not go that far."_

_"But I would, so shhh. Now on to my greatest accomplishment," Emily stated loudly, effectively cutting me off from rebutting. "My greatest accomplishment, thus far, I think is all my success with swimming. When I injured my back in soccer in elementary school, I thought I had lost a part of myself. But when I found swimming, I realized how much I loved the challenge of competing against myself just as much as I was competing against other swimmers and their teams."_

_"I know it's a huge part of who you are, Em. You made varsity as a freshman. You've broken two school records, and meets haven't even gotten started yet. If you think I'm incredible, then you need to look in the mirror, Fields."_

_"Part of me wonders what I'll do after college though. You know, once I hopefully get a scholarship and improve over time. What will I do without swimming in my life? It's a fundamental part of who I consider myself to be."_

_"But it's not everything. You have so much more going for you than just your ability to swim."_

_"Well yeah, but it's what I'm known for. It's the piece of me that makes my dad the proudest. It's the part that he brags about."_

_"Woah, that's not true. He is proud of you for other things!"_

_"Like what, babe? He's not proud of my grades, or academic accomplishments. He's not proud of impulsive decision making, and he's definitely not proud that I am an out lesbian..."_

_I snuggled into Emily's chest and arched back to kiss her neck lightly. "He'll come around. Your parents may not be the most supportive right now, but I have faith that once they see you entirely and hopelessly in love, they will be more than willing to fight for you. Remember? You. Are. Incredible." I finished, punctuating my sentences with more kisses on her neck._

_Emily tilted her head down to interrupt the lips on her neck, "I like you." She whispered as we parted. "I like you, like you. I like spending time with you, and I like hearing you fight for me when I don't have faith in myself. I like how you wrap yourself in my arms when we cuddle, and I like who you push me to be. And I think that I_ could _like you forever. Do you know that?"_

_I closed the gap between us again, kissing her fiercely as her arm draped around my waist and barely raised my shirt for her to trace across my stomach. "I definitely like hearing it, and I can't wait to like you forever, too."_

_She sighed beneath the circles I was drawing on her leg, "You're incredible, Alison."_

_"I thought we already discussed this, Emily? I believe that you are incredible just as much as you believe that I am incredible."_

_"Then that's must mean we're pretty incredible?"_

_I turned my body around to straddle her waist as my lips inched closer to her neck once more, "Yeah babe, we're pretty damn incredible."_

* * *

After putting together my thoughts, I began my response. "My dream? I guess I would hope for us to be together at the very least until we graduate high school. I would want to be by your side through it all: every up, every down. And I want to be there when you decide where to go to college, whether you're going to swim again, and how I can help you through it all. I know it doesn't get us very far, but when I close my eyes, I only see us together, and for now, that's enough for me... what about you, sweetie?"

By this point, I had adjusted my body back so that my legs were tucked underneath me, and Emily had moved back to her last position before our brief argument, with her head safely laying in my lap.

I brushed my hands through her hair as she began, "So when I say this, you can't roll your eyes, okay? I already know it's cheesy as hell, but it's the truth. For as long as I can remember, my dream has been you. When I dreamed about a potential future even way back in 8th grade, all I could ever see was your face in my view. Then, when we were together, all I could imagine was every, single potentiality for our future. I dreamed out how I would propose, how you would look walking down the aisle, and how we would decide who would have our first child. But when we broke up, I could still only imagine what I would do when we got back together. So Alison, when I ask you what your dream for us is, it's because I've dreamed about it for the past four years and part of me is still pinching myself that our dreams have finally started to line up again."

Continuing to run my hands through her hair, I replied, "I told you way back when that you were a total sap... I'm so pleased that hasn't changed."

"That's not overwhelming for you?" She questioned, glancing at me quizzically.

"No, I'd be lying to say that I hadn't thought of all of that before. I just don't want to think about forever yet. Last time I did, my heart was broken beyond belief. Right now, I can't put that much of my heart on the line..."

Emily brought her hand up to cheek, "I know. I'm sorry... Your sentiment opens up the conversation though, to how we're going to deal with conflict the next time shit hits the fan. We can't retreat next time. We can't leave each other. We can't ignore each other when it gets too hard."

"Yeah, at the time it was the only coping mechanism that I knew." I looked at Emily pleadingly, "Like, at the time, there was no other way that I saw myself getting through my mom's passing without turning myself off."

"Hey, Ali. You don't have to explain yourself to me; I just want to figure out what we're going to do instead of avoiding it or turning off next time because as we both know, that didn't work." Emily sat up off of my lap, and I wrapped my arms around her waist and pulled her back towards my chest to lean up against the other side of the couch.

"We need to communicate, right? We have to do what I did a few weeks ago, what we did during that question game years ago. Even in times of strife, we have to _be with_ each other."

Emily tilted her head back to kiss me on the cheek. "What do you mean by that, babe?"

"Well, it's just the idea that most of the time people don't need advice or assistance or anything extreme other than someone being with them. Someone willing to sit with someone through their discomfort, through their pain. Most of the time I don't need anything other than a reminder that I'm not alone."

"Thank you for that, by the way. For sitting next to me that night. I was agitated at your silence in the moment, but when I look back on it, that's one perfect example of why I knew I wanted to be with you again. I was so distant and rude, but you stayed because you knew me better than I knew myself if that moment. Thank you."

I wrapped my arms around Emily's waist tighter, "So let's start with that. Instead of avoiding, when we're angry or upset, we will choose to be with each other."

"Even in silence?"

"Even in silence. Even in anger. Even in jealousy. Even in grief. I will be with you, no matter what." I held my pinky out in front of Emily's face.

She linked her pinky with mine as we promised on the start of a future together, "No matter what, beautiful."

"So then, Emily Fields..." I lingered, adjusting my body to wriggle out from Emily above me, causing her to turn around, "I think we have one more thing to discuss."

She looked at me deeply confused, "And what's that?"

"Will you be my girlfriend?" And without hesitation, she affirmed my question with a kiss.

* * *

**A/N: Wow. We finally made it. Emison is official, and there are 3 chapters to go! There is also an already completely written sequel. So that will take the place of this story, posting-wise, once we may it through the last 3 chapters! Hope you all are enjoying :)  
**

**Once again, thank you so much for everything. As always, Read, Comment, Bookmark, and Pass Along.  
**

**\- secretpen28**


	17. Going Nowhere

The next few weeks were torturous, to say the least. Emily and I struggled back and forth about letting others know about our relationship, but we decided that to fully give ourselves a shot, we needed to learn our places in the relationship before bringing her parents or our friends into it. This made the daylight hours nearly impossible. At school, we only had one class together and were never really expected to interact other than some partner work from time to time. But more than that, people were thrown off enough by the fact that we were friends again. When I say that people have far too much time on their hands, note how insane it is that people literally turned their heads a complete 180 when they saw the five of us eating lunch together again.

With Emily being far more popular than me, she received the brunt of the questioning, 'Are you guys dating again?', 'She really forgave you?', 'How much did she pay you guys?'. All of that bullshit. Every time we spoke during the school day, and she was bummed about what other people were saying, I wanted to hold her hand or give her a hug or even brush my lips gently against her cheek. But we were stuck in this weird limbo that involved being friends when all the girls were around us but remaining distant when it was only the two of us.

Without the burden of swim practice though, we were able to spend a majority of our time outside of school with each other. Emily was able to use the cover of Mock Trial for a majority of the evenings, as her mom hadn't caught on to the fact that Mock Trial only met on Thursdays in the Fall. Of course, when Hanna, Spencer, or Aria wanted to hang out after school, our plans for the evening had to quickly fall by the wayside to not raise any suspicions with them. But for a majority of afternoons, Emily was able to spend two to three uninterrupted hours with me after school.

"Hey there, babe" Emily stated, coming up behind me as I was putting dishes in the dishwasher. Her newfound key made her incredibly sneaky, and it was always her mission to find a new way to startle me as she walked in.

With her arms still wrapped around my waist, I turned around to face her, "You really need to stop doing that…"

"But you don't get to see how adorable you look when you're jumpy." She put her forehead against mine. "I missed you."

"I missed you too, Em." I grazed my lips subtly over hers, as I turned back to the sink which I knew would drive Emily insane. Without a second thought, Emily tightened her arms around my waist and began slowly kissing down from behind my ear to my bare shoulder. "You know, babe," I said while melting under her touch, "We really need to figure out when we're going to tell people. I can't do this lying shit much longer."

"Me either." She quietly muttered, before moving back to cover my neck with more kisses. "I think my mom knows." She peppered this statement in right as she began aggressively sucking my neck hoping that I may not hear, or be too entranced to fully process it.

Unfortunately for Emily, I heard it loud and clear, and sidestepped against the counter causing her to slightly fall forward toward the sink, "What did you just say? How would she know?"

Her gaze immediately met the floor, already embarrassed that she tried to have me overlook it, "Well when I got home yesterday, she asked me why my car had been here when she drove by earlier. I guess because I had been telling her that the five of us were hanging out again, she wanted to come see your house after all of the lawsuit stuff or something, and she said that she was surprised to only see my car in the driveway, especially when I was supposed to be at the school." Emily had begun stepping closer to me in attempts to lessen the blow of us relatively getting caught.

"Did you tell her?"

Emily met my eyes with immediacy, "No, I didn't. I promise. I told her that we were paired together for a project in history and that I thought she would be upset if I told her I'd be at your house alone. Which she bought, I think."

"Ugh. Emily, this isn't good. If your mom got suspicious of your car being out front, there's no way that we can keep this up like we wanted to." I moved to the barstool to put my head in my hands. My hands pulled my face down in an exasperated manner, "We have to tell her, don't we?"

Emily continued walking toward me as though she was a tiny, desperate puppy dog looking for attention, "I think we do, as much as I don't want to. She's going to get so mad, babe."

Emily made her way between my legs as I was seated so that from my seated position I could rest my head against her stomach. "You did a good job though, Emily. It was a pretty good excuse," I paused, looking up at her with my chin still resting on her abs. "And we made it almost three weeks. I think that's pretty impressive."

She linked her fingers together around the back of my head, "She's going to be so mad…" She repeated the same phrase as she just had, but this time it was in a tone much different than her matter-of-fact feelings expressed less than a minute earlier. This time she was regretful, sorrowful, and even a little bitter.

"Come here, beautiful," I said to her while standing and wrapping my hands around her neck, as her arms fell to my waist. "I know you haven't been looking forward to this, but it's going to be okay. You're more confident now, remember? I think your exact words were that you now have a 'backbone' when it comes to talking to her about your sexuality, right?"

She nodded against my shoulder, where her head was currently resting, "I do, but man, she gave both of us such shit during our breakup last time. I know she doesn't want to see either of us going through that again."

I pulled away from her while my arms were still draped around her, "Gave us shit?"

Emily chuckled while raising her head and starting to walk to the living room, "She called you… oh, what was it?... I think it was a 'narcissistic, immature, selfish child who obviously wasn't good for anyone'?

"Oh, so she hates me! Great." I mumbled, sitting on Emily's lap as she took her place in our armchair.

"I wouldn't say 'hate' exactly, but she's not impressed with our relationship in the slightest." We both sighed while wrapped in each other's arms. "So want me to schedule the dinner for this weekend?" she asked, sending both of us into a laughing fit at the lunacy of the feat we were going to try and accomplish.

"Sure. At your place? I can still cook for you both, and make a good second impression?"

"I mean, Alison, anything will be better than the final impression she has of you."

"Which is?" I turned to her puzzled.

Emily put her head on the back of the chair, looking straight at me distraught, "Well, I tried not to talk to mom about our break up because it was too painful, so I guess the last real impression she has over you would be our 6th month anniversary…" We both grimaced simultaneously, and at that moment, I knew that I was going to have to do a hell of a lot more than just cook dinner to win over Emily's mom.

* * *

_Emily's POV_

_In the days after Alison and Jason chose to take their mother off life support, it was pure chaos around them. Their dad had flown in attempting to take some of the pressure off of the kids but ended up being too self-centered to actually impact anything. This left Jason having to put on a façade of normalcy while he was responsible for getting every aspect of her affairs in order. Alison, on the other hand, was in shambles. Knowing the final words Alison had told her mother, I tried to support Jason as much as could, but because helping Jason involved planning an entire funeral, I was out of the DiLaurentis house and away from Alison far more than I would have liked._

_Knowing that Alison probably hadn't left her house, her room, or even her bed in days, I wanted to surprise her with a visit on our anniversary. April 12th. Of course, we had planned an extensive date for the day before they had been suddenly altered by her mom's passing, but I figured that I could brighten part of Alison's world even if just for a short time._

_I walked into their house and was instantly hit with pangs of heartbreak. Pent-up emotions of sorrow and hopelessness rose from the floorboards, and soul-crushing memories seeped through the walls. I gulped with flowers in hand as I worked my way up to Alison's bedroom._

_When I walked in, she was still asleep with her windows completely covered by curtains. The only light that entered the room came from the bathroom door that was barely cracked open, sending a small sunbeam through the front half of the bedroom. The flowers I had brought a few days prior were already wilting in the vase next to her bed, so I replaced the dying blooms with her favorite purple lilies. I spent the next few minutes tiptoeing around the room to pick up clothes from days before and collecting pieces of the latest jewelry box Alison had thrown against the wall, sending rings and fragments of the mirror all over the floor. Once I was finished and noticed she was still asleep in the bed, I decided to crawl in next to her to attempt to comfort her. Within a few minutes, I had drifted to sleep._

_I couldn't quite piece together the amount of time I had spent next to her, but at least within the hour, I was woken up by Alison shaking next to me. Her sobs were audible, and she had wrapped my arms tightly around herself._

_"Shh… it's okay, sweetheart. I'm right here." I consoled, running my fingers through her tangled hair and kissing her head sweetly. "You can cry all you need. Don't worry. You're okay. You're okay…"_

_We stayed in that position until Alison fell back asleep and I meticulously worked my arms out from underneath her to move to her chair in the corner as my arms had gone numb what felt like hours ago._

_The woman in front of me was a shell of the woman I had fallen in love with. Her curls were flattened by the pressure of her head on her pillow. Her eyes no longer had any sort of glow, and instead looked barren and hollow. Her smile nonexistent. Her laugh, a hopeless cause. It had only been a little over a week since her mom's passing, but it felt like Alison's brokenness was here to stay._

_"What are you still doing here?" She was bitter and hurt and defeated by any source of positivity around her. She spoke to me with disdain, and anger seethed from her teeth._

_I kept my voice calm from the other side of the room, "I was just coming to spend time with you, Al." She scoffed as I continued, "I know that I haven't been here the past few days because I've been trying to help Jason, but I figured you could use a visit."_

_"Thanks for fitting me into your schedule, Em." She had yet to turn around and look at me. I had no concept of whether her eyes were open or closed if she was talking to me through her teeth or just with a frown on her face. The Alison I loved was no longer there. She had been replaced with a woman I couldn't recognize, yet couldn't help but love._

_"Babe, you know that I stop by anytime I can. With Jason nee…"_

_"Quit bringing it up."_

_"Bringing what up? I'm trying to make sure you get why it's been a few days."_

_"No, you're trying to rub it in…" Alison muttered dejectedly._

_"No, I'm not, Alison. What the hell are you talking about?" I asked, my voice raising from what she was insinuating._

_"You and Jason working together on… everything. You know that I want to be able to be there, but I can't fucking make myself move. Quit reminding me of how pitiful and useless I am here."_

_I stood up to sit on the opposite side of Alison's bed, "Ali… we know that if you could be there, you would be. I'm not trying to remind you of anything. You're doing the best you can, okay?" I finished, placing my hand on her shoulder._

_"Move your hand."_

_"What?" I questioned, taking my hand off immediately as though the heat from her words spilled over toward her extremities._

_"Thank you." She rotated her body so that she was lying on her back._

_Despite every ill-spoken word coming from Alison's mouth, as she turned over, she still took my breath away. She still had the power behind her cold eyes to remind me of the love behind them when she looked at me after a night in each other's arms. Her dimples, though hidden behind her frown, were etched into my brain to remind me of the laugh I would spend a lifetime trying to earn again. I looked at her and only saw love. I looked at her and only saw a future. She may have been lost, but she hadn't lost me._

_"Ali… I came here for another reason."_

_She laughed sarcastically, "Fine. Tell me."_

_Her snark sent me right back to 7th grade, sent me back to when her mission was to cut me down, and despite all of my desire to fill her with love and kindness, I lost my cool, "Who do you think you are?"_

_Her face snapped at me, shocked at my retort. "What?"_

_"Who. Do you think. You are?" I emphasized, "And who the hell do you think I am? Do you really think I came here to hurt you, or to rub something in your face? Would I ever do that to you? Why in the hell would I ever want to see you more hurt than you already are? I'm doing the best that I can, Alison, and I am not going to sit by as you ridicule all of my positive intent."_

_"Then don't. Leave."_

_"Really? You want me to leave?"_

_"Yeah, you can go." She said, effectively dismissing me._

_I scoffed as I got up, picking up my keys. "Yeah, got it."_

_With that, I wrestled my key off of the keychain and laid it on the bedside table next to her. Knowing that she would regret this conversation almost as soon as I left, I leaned down, placed a kiss on her forehead, and whispered, "Happy Anniversary, love bug." And with that, I walked out the door without even thinking of turning back at the sound of her pleas._

* * *

Attempting to salvage any semblance of a relationship with Mrs. Fields would be nearly impossible. Especially after Emily retold me the events of our 6 month anniversary, which I remembered only in pieces and parts, presumably from the trauma surrounding those weeks of my life. Surprisingly, Emily reported that it was more simple than she thought it would be to have her mother agree to dinner with us on Saturday. Mrs. Fields was more than willing to have us explain the details of our project so that she felt more comfortable being at my home. Little did she know that our rouse would leave her feeling far more insecure after our conversation.

As her mom was working Saturday morning and afternoon, having me cook dinner would work out perfectly, so I showed up at the Fields' around 2 p.m. undoubtedly shaking in my skin.

Emily opened the door with the most sincere of smiles, "Oh hello there, babe." She eagerly leaned through the threshold to kiss me.

"Mmm… someone's excited about today." I replied, walking into the foyer.

"Of course I am. It's going to suck big time, but damn is it going to feel good. Do you need me to help get stuff out of the car?" I nodded, with bags still in my hand making my way to the kitchen.

"So, Al, what are we cooking tonight?" she smiled as she walked back into the kitchen from the car.

"I figured I'd make my family's famous Chicken Piccata with some pasta."

Emily wrapped her arms around my waist as I finished, "Ugh, I've missed your cooking. I've missed you, and I'm so, so ready to be us again. Wholly, and completely us." She kissed the side of my forehead lovingly.

"I'm happy you're ready… On the other hand, I'm more than anxious about how this is going to go, Em. I just don't see it going well."

"Don't make it bigger than it needs to be, babe. We're going to be okay. It won't be easy, and she's going to have a lot of questions for us, but it'll be okay."

Over the next few hours, Emily and I worked on getting dinner ready by the time Mrs. Fields was set to arrive a little after 5. We definitely got distracted a few times by each other, but by the time Mrs. Fields was walking through the front door, Emily and I were already setting the table ready for the evening to begin.

"Hey, Mom," Emily stated, as her mom came in.

"Hi, Mrs. Fields! It's great to see you again." I walked over and pulled her into a hesitant hug.

"Hi, Alison. Good to see you too. Thank you for making us dinner, it smells great!" As we took our seats at the table, Emily looked at me knowingly.

"No, thank you for having me, and I want to apologize for you finding out about Emily being at my house without you knowing about it. I'm sure it made you uneasy."

"You know, Alison, it really did. I spoke to Emily about it though, and she told me about your project. Honestly, I'm just happy that Emily has found a way to put the past behind her enough to make working together possible."

I choked on my drink as Emily glanced at me panicked, "Uh, mom. We both had to put the past behind us." She put in a word for me as her mom scoffed at the other end of the table. Emily moved her hand in a circular motion as if to tell me 'Move on!'.

"So, uh, Mrs. Fields, how has the police station been going?"

The conversation continued in this manner for the next 20 minutes as Emily and I attempted to increase Mrs. Fields opinion of me while also catching up on the past year and a half. As we were cleaning up, Mrs. Fields offered her condolences, "Also, Alison? I wanted to say how sorry I was to hear that your mom passed last year. I know how much Emily helped Jason out during that time. Seeing how hard it was for her, I can only imagine your burden."

"Thank you, and yeah, we couldn't have done it without Emily's help." I gulped down my frustrations as she continued.

"You guys broke up shortly after Emily helped with all of that, right?"

"Mom…" Emily glared.

"No, Emily, let Alison answer my questions herself."

I kept my head down as I responded, "Yes, ma'am. Emily broke up with me shortly after that."

"Emily?!" she questioned after my response, wrenching her head towards her daughter.

"Mom, I told you this. Alison was distant, and I decided that I couldn't deal with a distant relationship anymore."

"That's not quite how I remember you telling me the story, love…" Her voice drifted as though she could tell that she was unintentionally stirring the pot.

"Hmm, really?" I quizzed, looking up at Emily.

"You know, Mom," Emily quickly started speaking, attempting to save ourselves from this line of questions, "Ali and I recently talked out all of the misconceptions we had about our break up and everything which is part of the reason I was at her house." She turned around and beckoned me with her hand. "Mom, there, uh, wasn't a project." Emily paused just as she had a year and a half before, and as she opened her mouth to speak, my voice interrupted.

"We've decided to date again."

Mrs. Fields immediately stood and began walking away from us, headed straight for her office. "Mom? Mom! Come talk to us!" Emily started to follow her as I remained a few steps behind

She turned around, finger pointed, "Emily, what on Earth possessed you to forgive her?" She looked at me with disgust and contempt.

"Woah, woah. We both had to forgive each other mom; we already discussed this."

Mrs. Fields scoffed, " _She_ had to forgive _you_? For what? Helping her through her father leaving? Her parent's divorce? Her mother's hospitalization? Planning her own mother's funeral? In some immature part of your brain, you may have forgiven her, but I have yet to forget the selfish behavior displayed by this young woman throughout your entire relationship."

Emily went mute in the face of her mother's questioning, but unlike last time when I walked right out the front door at her request, I was a different person who was going to defend myself and our relationship no matter what. "Mrs. Fields, both of us made mistakes. You cannot just blame me, as much as you don't want to think your daughter could also display poor behaviors. Every relationship is two-sided."

"Emily? Why are you silent right now while she is throwing you under the bus?" Mrs. Fields gestured toward Emily to speak.

I laughed out loud, "Oh wow! She never told you, did she? Okay. Okay. No, I get it. Em?" I gently pushed Emily's shoulder forward to speak to her mom, and promptly turned around to go sit at the dining room table, my back completely away from the conversation.

The entire house appeared to go silent as Mrs. Fields and Emily spoke, aside from the sobs I could hear eventually from Emily. Around 20 minutes later, I heard footsteps behind me.

"Alison?" I stood while turning around to see Mrs. Fields standing at the door, purse in hand. "I'm sorry for what I insinuated about you tonight. Please know that I do not condone my daughter's appalling and repulsive actions. No matter how revolting I find your relationship, it is even more insulting to know that I raised the young woman in the living room who currently disgusts me. If somehow you've found a way to forgive her cheating, abandonment, and flaunting of a new relationship while you were grieving, then so be it, but her forgiveness will not be so easily won by me. I've already told her that she's not welcome here for the evening and that I expect her to be gone by the time I get back."

"Mrs. Fields…" I stood as I walked toward her, seeing Emily's head in her hands in the other room.

"No, Alison, I will not let you defend her right now. I appreciate you attempting to win my approval with this whole dinner charade, but all you have accomplished winning is my distaste."

"Excuse my candor, but we weren't looking for your approval. I understand that you find our relationship revolting, and you can have that opinion. But ma'am, we came here tonight so that we wouldn't have to lie to you anymore. We're both different people than we were last year. No matter how "disgusted" you may be, we've grown up. We were hoping that maybe you had too…" my voice dropped at the end of the sentence, hoping she hadn't heard me.

"Excuse you?"

"It's fine. I'm sorry we disrupted your evening. Don't worry, we'll be gone by the time you return."

As she was leaving, she left behind one biting remark, "I certainly know that Jessica would have never approved of the behavior you've displayed tonight. I would've thought you would be trying to make her proud."

I walked into the living room shaking my head, "Get up, Em!"

She lifted her head revealing her bloodshot eyes, "Ali…"

"Oh, no. Don't you dare 'Ali' me right now. Are you going to help me pack your bag, or not?" I asked from halfway up the staircase.

She stood, shoulders still slumped, "No, I'll help."

"Is that the bullshit you got last time when she forced me to leave?" When my question didn't get a response, I resumed speaking, "Because that was some damn insanity. Who does she think she is? Not making my mother proud? How dare she? _Our_ relationship is revolting? How about _your_ fucking manners?" My voice continued raising as I threw random clothes into a suitcase I found at the top of Emily's closet.

"Alison, I know that…"

"Nope. You don't get to all of a sudden be able to speak up." I spat back at her, zipping her suitcase and bringing it behind me, "Do you need anything from your bathroom?" I asked rhetorically, as she was scooping toiletries up in her arms.

Moments from me swinging open the door, I heard Emily's weak voice behind me, "Thank you, babe…"

Though feeling entirely sympathetic for what she had just been through, my anger was still apparent, "Yeah, you're welcome. We can talk about our part later, but you better be happy as hell that we agreed to this whole _'being with'_ bullshit, or I would have already peeled out of the driveway with you standing on that damn porch."

Emily chuckled, "That was your idea…"

I glared behind me, unlocking the car, "Don't remind me." I muttered before looking up with a grin, "Come on, let's get you home, beautiful."

* * *

**A/N: Yipes. This whole final scene was nauseating for me to write and I apologize if anyone thinks this too out of character for Mrs. Fields, but I've taken liberties with every character throughout the story.  
**

**Thank you all for everything! Every view, comment, message, and vote is noticed, and I appreciate you guys so much! See you all Tuesday!**

**Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**\- secretpen28**


	18. Never Be The Same

The ride home from the Fields' was drenched in silence. Though only a few miles, Emily sat in the front seat as though she expected me to lose it. Not only had Emily never truly discussed the end of our relationship with her mom, but she had neglected to let her know how much Emily's actions and distance played a role, as well. Hell, she hadn't even told her mother that she was the one to initiate the break-up. Overall, I felt more than warranted to lose my cool, but the most pressing aspect of the entire evening was the insults hurled at Emily by her own mother. For as irritated as I may be, taking care of Emily was far more critical than expressing my anger.

By the time we arrived back at my place, Emily had become inconsolable. Her body was slumped both at the shoulders and waist, and her face could only be described as sullen. I walked around the car to open the car door, as Emily got her things out of the floorboard to step inside. I wrapped my arm around her waist and led her through my front door straight to the downstairs guest room to put her things down.

Emily walked back to the living room silently after changing into something more comfortable and sat in her usual spot as I went to get water for us both and discuss the evening. After setting down our glasses, Emily immediately splayed herself across my lap in the fetal position and began to cry. We sat in that spot for around a half hour, with one arm resting on her hip and the other making its way through her hair from root to tip, before her sobs started to calm down enough that she could speak.

"I'm sorry." she whispered.

I tilted my upper body over hers in disbelief, "Baby, right now you have nothing to be sorry about. You have every right to be upset about how tonight went."

Her sobs returned as she attempted to speak through her despair, "But… she was… so… mad… at us. I… didn't know."

I continued petting her hair, "Em, it's not ideal, sure. But we're going to get through it, okay? I think your mom was more shocked about not knowing the whole story and took it out on us after hearing we're together again."

"Can I explain that?" she said, still sniffling but rotating her face toward the ceiling.

"Sweetheart, you really don't have to - "

"I know you get it, Al, but before we talk about where we go from here, I have to explain." She closed her eyes tightly, small tears streaming from the corners of her eyes. "I… guess it was just a continued act of being selfish, Ali. When we broke up, I knew the part I played, and part of me wanted to preserve that image in my mom's eyes. So, it was easier to just stay silent. It was easier to link it back to our distance instead of everything that was involved. She never probed a lot because she has never really understood me, so I was able to craft the parts of the story I wanted her to know. And then, as time passed, taking responsibility was harder to do, especially when for over a year I never thought we would be getting back together. It's a shitty excuse, but Alison, you have to know that I had no idea she would use the little she did know to continually dig against you or anything. I'm so sorry for not being honest, but I did tell her everything tonight. I told her all of it."

"Emily, I know you did, and yes, I'm frustrated that it took tonight. But babe," I sighed deeply coming face to face with my own reality, "If I were in your shoes, and my mom was still alive after we broke up, I think that I would've tried to take less blame too. I wouldn't have told her my transgressions because admitting wrongdoing to anyone, especially your mom, it is soul-crushing. I will never blame you for that, Em. It's okay."

She closed her eyes once more as tears fell before looking back up at me again, "I don't deserve you."

"I wouldn't go that far, beautiful." I consoled her as I wiped tears from her cheeks with my thumb, "You're still in your head. Don't start saying shit like that to yourself."

"After all I did though, all I put you through last year and tonight, you're still here. You took me in after the woman who raised me kicked me out. Instead of bringing me here and letting me be in silence in that room alone, you are here with me… I don't deserve it. I don't deserve any of this, Al."

"Sit up for me." I ushered, having her rotate around to face me, putting her face into my hands. "Look at me, Emily. Come on, open your eyes and look at me." I traced my fingers along her temple willing her eyes to open, "You are worthy. No matter what your mother told you tonight. You are wanted. No matter how many times she makes you think otherwise. You are forgiven. For the past, present, and future, Emily, no matter how often she holds it over your head. You are mine. _You_ are _mine_. I don't care what she or anyone else says. Everything I'm doing and will do for you, you would do for me without a second thought. Do not worry yourself with believing you are undeserving when you deserve all my care and more." I leaned forward and gently pressed my lips against hers, drawing my finger under her chin to intensify our embrace. "Okay?"

Emily nodded silently as she pulled away, eyes still closed, "Okay…"

"Let's go to your room, Em." We walked fingers linked to the room next to the stairs. She untucked the bed before I covered her up, kissed her forehead and walked to the door to head upstairs to my room.

"Ali," Emily whispered from the bed, "Don't leave me, please." Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence, "Please, don't leave."

Still in my form-fitting dress from earlier, I undid the zipper on its side so that I was only in my lingerie as I walked around the bed to slide in beside her. "Of course, babe," I whispered while wrapping my arm around her waist and forming my legs against her own, kissing her forehead briefly before sighing against her.

It was the first bed we had been in together since our reunion, but our embrace was not one of lust or passion. Instead of her mother's desire to pull us apart, her words had drawn us closer. Emily continued slightly heaving from the pressure in her chest as my hand drew circles on her upper thigh. It was clear to me that I never wanted to leave this woman alone again. I never wanted her to fall asleep without her knowing her worth. And as her breathing finally slowed and she fell asleep against me, it was apparent to me that I was, without a doubt, falling in love with her all over again.

* * *

_A few days after our stargazing date was New Year's Eve weekend and our first trip together. After all of the events of the past month, including our first sleepover, Jason catching us in my living room, and our intense dare in front of our friends, we continued dancing closer and closer to the edge of the next facet of our relationship, one that I was hesitant but increasingly willing to reach._

_We had decided around Thanksgiving to go up to my family's small ski timeshare for the weekend to ring in the New Year and get some much needed time together. Though not nearly as extravagant as our home in Rosewood, the two-bedroom house would be plenty of room for the weekend. Being only an hour out of town, we had decided to take a bus so that we wouldn't be a burden on Jason. With the day we arrived being New Year's Eve, we had only a few hours before I had booked a dinner for us at a restaurant at the top of one of the peaks at the resort._

_"So, here it is…" I stated, spinning to give the grand tour of the less than 2,000 square foot house._

_Emily chuckled before replying, "I love it. It's very adorable." She finished, linking her hand back with mine._

_We unpacked all of our food for Sunday and Monday morning into the fridges and put our clothes up into the dresser in the main bedroom, before laying on top of the comforter prior to going to dinner._

_Emily rested with part of her back up against the headboard while she sprawled out so that I fit comfortably between her legs with my back laying on her chest._

_"Can you believe we've made it this far?" Emily asked, kissing the top of my head._

_"This far? It's been 2 months, babe."_

_"No, I know. But Al, you have to remember that it may have been 2 months for you, but it's been almost 2 years that I've liked you. And now I'm here, and you're wrapped up in my arms… It's entirely surreal."_

_"Thank you for being patient." I tilted my head to the side to gently kiss her._

_"Anything for you, love bug. You were well worth the wait." She paused for a moment, "What are our plans for tonight again?"_

_"Well, we have a cute dinner at the ski lodge not far from here, and fireworks start around 10, so we'll have a perfect view from the restaurant. Then, I figured we could come back here and watch the countdown?"_

_"It'll be fun, babe. I can't believe you set all of this up." She wrapped her arms tighter around my waist._

_"Of course! We're about to go into our first full new year together. We have to celebrate it and start it off right." I stated, smiling slyly beneath my words._

_"I agree. It'll be the perfect start, Ali. Speaking of, you need to start getting ready. It's almost 6; dinner's in two hours.." She laughed, knowing not only that she was accurate about the amount of time I needed to get ready, but also indicating that same was not true for herself._

_"Rude!" I exclaimed, climbing off of her, "See if you get a New Year's Kiss with that shade." Looking over my shoulder walking toward the restroom, I saw Emily fake pouting on the bed. "Oh, please. You know that won't work, Em." I called from the restroom mirror as I began brushing out my curls._

_The next few minutes were filled with silence before I peeked my head out the door to look back to the bed we were laying on. There, pitiful as ever, was Emily sitting there still with a pout. "You're kidding me. You have not been sitting here like this for almost 5 minutes." She replied with a nod. "Come on!" I groaned. "How are you so cute?" I walked over toward her to place a short kiss on top of her pouting lips._

_"I thought that the pout may work…" Emily smiled as I pulled away, her hand slapping my ass as I turned around, "Now go get ready, beautiful!"_

_After getting my curls reset, I walked back in the room to find Emily in a breathtaking olive green lace-up dress with black leather boots. "Well, damn. Who replaced you with my girlfriend?" I asked walking over to place my hands on her hips. "Have you been hiding this from me?"_

_She smiled bashfully, "No… I just haven't had a reason to wear it for you yet."_

_"The world is going to be jealous of me tonight, Em. Wow, you're gorgeous." I continued staring at her with endearing eyes in awe of the woman in front of me._

_"Thank you…" she whispered, putting her head on my own before releasing her arms from around my neck to head to the restroom._

_I slipped into my blue and white patterned square neckline dress and my strappy heels then followed Emily into the restroom where she was putting a light layer of makeup on. "You know that you don't have to do anything else for this look to work," I said, peeking over while tracing my finger up and down her body in through the air._

_She glanced back over to reply, "It's for a special occasion, Ali. You don't have to make a big deal about it."_

_"I know I don't, and maybe I shouldn't, but I'm just blown away." I leaned over to kiss her shoulder, "You're always beautiful, sometimes I forget to recognize it. Sorry, babe."_

_"It's okay…" she replied, smiling through her shyness while we both continued to get ready._

_Later that night, our conversation at dinner was irreplaceable and flowed through us without question. I had my father call for us to get a table next to the wide panned glass at the back of the restaurant overlooking the mountain; the perfect view for when the fireworks began going off right after 10 o'clock. I connected our hands on the far side of the table as we looked out at the show on display._

_"It's beautiful, Ali. Thank you for setting this all up."_

_"You're worth all of this and more. I was so happy that I could work this out of us for New Year's." We sat in silence with beauty in front of us both outside and inside as the firework show finished._

_"You ready to wrap this up?"_

_Walking back into our house for the weekend, tension filled the air. "Em?" I asked, turning behind me to see which countdown she wanted to watch. But my question was answered with her lips on mine._

_She trailed her fingers down my arms until our fingers laced near my waist. Walking back toward the entry wall, I gently pushed her against it placing my palm directly next to her head. Emily wrapped her hand around my waist as my hand rested on her stomach. She hummed into my lips before I slowly began working down her neck. Her hand around my waist caressed down my side and toward the hem of my dress as she placed her hand on my outer thigh. My hand worked up from her stomach to cup her breast through her dress as Emily began pushing against me to walk towards the bedroom._

_We paused briefly while making our way through the doorway and Emily looked at me questioningly, "You sure, babe?"_

_"For right now, yeah. I'll ask to stop if it becomes too much." Emily nodded in response as she walked around behind me._

_Emily pulled my hair to my right side as she put her lips on my neck while her hand fiddled with the zipper on the back of my dress. As she slowly dragged my zipper downward to bring my sleeves over my shoulders and down my waist, she moved her lips to kiss over my shoulders where my sleeves once were. When my dress hit the floor, she connected her right hand with mine to slowly turn me around the face her._

_"You're beautiful, Alison." She whispered just before capturing me in another kiss. My hands made their way back down her sides to the bottom of her dress as I began working it up toward her waist. She stepped back once more to assist me in pulling her dress over her head revealing black matching lingerie._

_"I am so, so lucky," I replied, kissing her with more force than previously and we walked back to the bed. She guided me to the pillow before laying me gently and working her lips slowly down my waist._

_Needless to say, we did not have the chance to watch the countdown to the New Year that night. In our minds though, not only had every wish of ours for the new year already been granted but at that time in our relationship, we both believed that we would have the rest of the years of our lives to participate in a silly countdown. And though it took two more months to officially say those three little words, the care and patience behind each action of ours that night was laced with nothing but 'I love you's'._

* * *

The next morning, our positions had reversed so that Emily was now wrapped around me as her arms were curled into my chest. I was woken up by the feeling of Emily's lips delicately on the back of my neck.

"It's time to get up, Alison." She whispered against my skin raising herself above me as I turned over to trail her touch down my body. "I made us breakfast."

I sighed contently as I elevated myself onto my forearms to capture a kiss. "You did, did you?" I grinned pulling away.

"It's the least I could do for you after last night and letting me stay here. Go get dressed and then come to the kitchen." She allowed one more kiss to linger, and I watched her leave the room with only a big t-shirt covering her figure. This woman would be the death of me.

Picking up my dress off of the bedroom floor, I rounded to corner to find Emily peering from the kitchen biting her lip as I made my way for the stairs. "Like what you see?" I questioned, looking over my shoulder while heading to the second floor.

"You have no idea…" she muttered. It being the first time she had seen me lingerie in almost a year and a half, it was obvious that Emily was taken aback more than she had intended to be. I quickly slipped on shorts and a shirt before running back downstairs.

Emily was on her tiptoes as I entered the kitchen reaching for some nice plates on the top shelf which allowed a little bit of her butt to show from the bottom of her boy short underwear. I walked over quietly behind her and ran my arms around her waist, causing her to slightly jump.

"Woah there." She said, looking behind her.

"Be happy I didn't slap your ass instead, babe," I stated, pinching the portion of her ass playing peek-a-boo for good measure.

"Sorry, I forgot to put my shorts back on when I got up. I guess I got too hot in the middle of the night and took them off."

"Don't worry, Em. Not complaining," I replied, sitting down at the island as Emily began serving up pancakes on the plates she had brought down.

As she sidled up next to me, she started talking, "So Alison, this is a thank you breakfast for so much more than just being everything I needed last night. It really meant so much to me that the very first time you could've been upset enough to not follow through with what we set out for this relationship, you stuck with me the entire night." She placed an open hand on the counter, and as I placed my hand in hers, she squeezed it tightly. "I never thanked you for those little moments last time we were together, and I promised in my letter to you that I would change that this time through. So, I figured that if you so effortlessly were able to follow through on a promise, I needed to as well."

I pulled my hand back to pick up my fork and kept the conversation going, "Like I said last night, you would've done the same for me, babe. Your happiness is far more important than any animosity I may have had leaving your house last night. Don't worry about it."

"You can say that I would've done the same thing all you want, Al, but I want to appreciate you this morning for doing it without question. Thank you. Really."

"You're welcome, Em." We continued eating our breakfast in light silence, every now and then making eye contact and chuckling to ourselves. I picked up our dishes once finished to rinse off and place in the dishwasher. "Thank you for cooking this morning. It was delicious."

"It was no problem…" she stood up from her chair with a mischievous grin on her face, "Now where did we leave off this morning?" she asked with one finger tracing her lips wanting me to fill in the blank.

Turning off the water, I started walking toward her, laughing at one of the first glimpses of Emily venturing to be outright sexy since getting back together. I tilted my head to the side as if to indicate that I wasn't sure what she was getting at. As we met by the fridge, Emily moved the finger, once on her lip, to my own lips before replacing it with a kiss.

The passion behind her kiss was something she hadn't attempted thus far, alternating between quick short bursts and long drawn out kisses that sent me over the edge. My hands found their way to her hair, as hers quickly made their way down to my shorts. She dragged her hands down my backside, until they cupped just below my ass on my upper thigh, a previous sign to wrap my legs around her waist. She removed her lips from mine for a brief moment to raise me up to the kitchen counter.

"Em…" I stumbled over my words as her lips maneuvered back to my neck. "I don't know if we should be - "

She let go looking into my eyes, her lips already slightly puffy from the force behind them, "What? Is someone going to walk in on us?" she teased, knowing the house was mine and mine alone.

"No, but -"

"Shh. You worry too much." She brought her lips back towards me as she bit and sucked my earlobe delicately.

"Damn." I mumbled, feeling my shirt being raised up from waist to above my head.

"Is this okay?" She asked, the shirt inches from going over my head. I nodded as she traced her hands up my arms to get them over my head before pulling my shirt off for me. "I promise, no further." She assured me before taking off her own top leaving her solely in her underwear and revealing her impeccably toned abs. She brought her lips just below my collarbone before pushing my legs apart at my knees so that she could squeeze between them.

I tossed my head backward as I allowed my hands to explore the length of her back for the first time in over a year. She shivered under my touch while continuing to move lower on my chest. Feeling relatively uncomfortable, I brought one hand between us under her chin to bring her lips back to mine. I captured them with a moan, her hands roaming to the side of my face while one continued down my side before sliding it underneath me to pick me up again. Her hand cupped my ass setting me back down delicately on the floor. Just as soon as it began, her hands and lips were off my body.

"What?" I questioned, still leaning forward with my eyes closed waiting for her to reciprocate.

When I opened my eyes, she was picking her shirt off the floor to place it back over her head, "Remember, babe? Patience." I groaned. "Al, you know we're not ready." She whispered, kissing the top of my head while passing me my shirt off the ground.

"It's not fair though, Em. You can't tease me like that." I continued groaning starting to put my shirt over my head.

She looked back over her shoulder while walking into the foyer grinning, "Now that doesn't mean you have to put your shirt back on."

I rolled my eyes as I watched her tan legs sneak behind the wall separating the kitchen and living room. Keeping this relationship PG-13 for much longer was going to be the greatest of temptations. I smiled the widest smile I had in a while before taking the shirt still in my fingertips and dropping it to the floor as I followed her back to the living room.

* * *

**A/N: There you guys go! Pure, pure fluff. This is where I have some more difficult news to tell you all. The next chapter is last for 'More Like Her'. But with the ending of this story starts the beginning of the next, and I have some news about it for you guys!**

**Some info about the sequel: it is called 'Turn Your Face' and is told in both Alison and Emily's POVs. It is set at the end of the girls' Junior Year of college (so about 3 1/2 years after this story takes place). And just like this story, the sequel is complete and ready to go for you all! So the last chapter of MLH will be posted this Friday, and Turn Your Face will start up next Tuesday to continue following the Tuesday/Friday positing schedule.  
**

**Thank you for coming on this journey with me, and I can't wait for you guys to see how this story wraps up. Any ideas? Remember to Read, Comment, Vote, and Pass Along! Love you guys!**

**\- secretpen28**


	19. Forevermore

_A few weeks before Mrs. DiLaurentis passed away, Alison invited me over for the night as I believed that her mom and Jason were visiting her dad in California, but Ali refused to go with them. We wanted to spend the evening exceptionally simply, and I insisted on it being stripped down. Not in the literal sense, but Alison had a way of still trying hard to be "done up" around me, and I wanted to spend a night seeing her not try. When I showed up at the door in short shorts, an oversized t-shirt, and my hair in a ponytail, I figured that there was no way in hell Alison could be more dressed down than me. As I opened the door though, I found myself sorely mistaken. It was apparent that she had recently washed her face, but other than that she had on baggy sweatpants, an old 5k t-shirt, and her hair was in one of the messiest buns I had ever seen. It made me smile from ear to ear though Alison was definitely less than pleased._

_"Is this laid-back enough for you, babe?" she muttered, opening the door to let me in. I immediately wrapped her in my arms moving my legs side to side to rock her back and forth._

_"You did such a good job! Let me see you!" I outstretched my arms to hold her in front of me. "Wow, you're so beautiful."_

_She covered her face with her hands, "Stop, Em. There's no need to butter me up."_

_"You're kidding me! Have you looked in the mirror lately?" she nodded in reply, "Oh? So you do know that you are gorgeous, right?" To which she replied with a shrug. "Well, you are. Maybe through relaxing tonight, you'll be able to see what I see. Come here." I finished, bringing her in for a kiss._

_"Well, I ordered us pizza." She stated, changing the subject as soon as she could, reminding me to come back to the topic later on in the night._

_Throughout the evening we decided to hang out downstairs to watch movies and cuddle while I made sure to shower Alison in small moments of love as she seemed a little out of it. Unlike her usual habits during movies which included popcorn, brief discussion, and a whole lot of distraction, tonight Alison was reserved and brushed me away when I wanted to discuss anything during the movie._

_I decided to quit forcing anything assuming that she was just in a bad mood from her family traveling, so I resolved to keep things calm for her sake. It was nearly impossible for me though to not gaze at her frequently. Even without makeup on, or hair immaculately done up, she had a beauty that I struggled to describe. Whether internally she was or not, externally she always appeared at ease. She had the effortless ability to exude confidence and sex appeal simultaneously, and without even trying, she drove me crazy. Looking at her that night, there was no doubt in my mind that I wanted to spend the rest of my life staring into her eyes. I wanted to wake up next to her for the rest of my days, and there was no one else that I ever wanted to love. Was it possible though for Alison to feel the same? Could my first love be my last love? How could 7 months together assure me of a lifetime?_

_As the movie wrapped up, we headed upstairs to her bedroom though I did not attempt any advances due to her distance throughout the night. Instead, I snuggled up behind her and wrapped my arm across the front of her chest._

_"Hey, Em?" I heard her whisper after a few minutes of silence. She turned over so that we were facing one another, "Thank you for tonight."_

_I put my hand on her cheek, "What do you mean, Al?"_

_"Forcing me out of my comfort zone, and reading my body language tonight and respecting me based on that, and I don't know, endlessly loving me. I don't thank you enough for how you make me feel."_

_"You know that I would do anything for you, love bug." I leaned over gently to kiss her nose. "Are you okay tonight? I didn't want to ask earlier, but since you brought it up."_

_"I mean, I'm not great, but you really have made it a lot better. I really wasn't looking forward to you seeing me like this..."_

_"Like what? You're breathtaking no matter what you do or do not wear. Who you are to me is not determined by your clothes, or hair, or make up. Who you are to me is entirely made up of every little thing you have done for me since the start of our friendship. I love you exactly as you are, Ali. Exactly like this."_

_"I love you too, Em. Thank you." She kissed me delicately but passionately._

_"You know what I was thinking about tonight, babe?" She looked over at me and laced our hands together, our eyes still connected. "Our future." I closed my eyes slightly cringing waiting for her response._

_"Yeah, what about it?" As I opened my eyes, she had propped her head up on her hand to look at me more intently._

_"Just that I could do this forever. Regardless of what we go through, I would willingly love you forever."_

_"I think about that too sometimes and as unsure as I am of everything going on around me, I am certain that you are the only thing in my life I'm sure of."_

_I rolled onto my back, "So really, you can see yourself with me forever?"_

_"If we keep going like this, I don't see anything stopping us from forever, Emily. You fulfill in me a confidence in myself that I don't have alone. You have this ability to bring peace in me that I've never felt and you love me more than maybe I've ever been loved. How could I not want you by my side?" she tucked herself into my side as she rested her head on my chest, while my arm draped over her shoulder._

_"We're not going to be one of those crazy couples that get engaged at the end of high school, right?" I turned looking at her concerned._

_"Oh, hell no! Think about it, Em. If we have forever, why rush? If I love you now, I'll love you when we graduate. I'll love you after college. I'll love you when we decide where to move after college. I'll love you every morning I wake up beside you. I'll love you through the best of our lives and through the worst of our lives. So if I love you now Emily, I'll love you forever."_

_"And you love me now?" I asked facetiously._

_"Oh, I more than love you now." She said, leaning over one more time to kiss me before snuggling back into my arms._

_"Good, Ali. I'll love you forever too." And with that, we fell asleep side by side in complete peace. Little did we know that it would be the last time we would fall asleep next to one another before we broke up close to 3 months later. Even with our promises, little could prepare us for the trauma coming our way._

_Despite our future anger, despair, and regret, there was a part of me that knew I would always remember the innocence on our faces that night. There was a part of me that cherished our belief in what could be._

_And, of course, there was a part of me that knew the kind of love Alison and I discussed that night would last exactly that long... forever._

* * *

This time around Emily and I knew better and showed up to Spencer's separately. By the time I had arrived, only Aria was missing as she had offered to pick up the pizzas on the way. Of course, Hanna was already mixing drinks for us as I walked through the side door.

"Hi, everyone!" I exclaimed, setting my bags down by a barstool in the kitchen.

"Hey, Ali." Emily waved from the couch as Hanna put down the stirrer to come and give me a hug.

"Damn. I'm so excited to get this shit going. I have missed loft nights!" Hanna shrilled, spinning me around in our embrace.

"Hanna, cool it." Spencer barked coming out of the restroom. "It may be the first barn night in a while, but we can't act like wild animals."

"Oh calm down, Spence. It's not that severe." Emily mumbled as I walked over to sit next to her on the couch.

"Hey, Em. How's your day been?" I questioned, hopefully non-chalantly enough to not raise suspicion.

"Pretty good. Nothing crazy for Saturday. You?"

"Same. Knowing that Hanna was going to force feed us shots tonight kept my afternoon pretty tame." We laughed as Aria walked in through the back with the pizzas.

Everyone quickly grabbed the margaritas Hanna had made along with some pizza before settling back into our usual spots in the living room which included Emily and me sitting right next to each other again.

"You know guys, I'm thrilled that we've reunited the gang," I said during a lull of silence. "Part of me thought that nothing could go back to normal after my hell of a freshman year, but I am so thankful that we were able to get back to this. Thank you."

"Al, it's really no big deal. If you and Emily could get throughout everything involved in that mess, then we could easily move past not speaking to one another for a year." Aria interjected while the others nodded along. "And just as soon as we start talking again, the first semester of junior year is almost over."

"Uhh, don't remind me. I have to take the ACT in two weeks, and I barely know what subjects it's going to cover." Hanna groaned.

"Han, I've told you like 20 times that I could help you study. Have you even opened the book I gave you?" Spencer replied. The entire group started laughing as Hanna continued sitting there, embarrassed.

"I need to grab another drink. Anyone need a refill?" Emily asked, as Spencer, Aria, and I raised our hands. "Al, come help me?"

Making our way over to the counter, Emily bumped me lightly and whispered, "So, are we going to do it?"

"I think we have to or they'll seriously be upset at us," I replied, looking at her worried. From the height of the countertop and my short stature, Emily was able to wrap her arm slyly around my waist away from the girls knowing, giving me a squeeze. I gathered up mine and Spencer's glass and started walking back to the living room.

"Hey, babe." Emily whispered, causing me to turn around, "Happy almost anniversary." Her reminder sent a smile straight across my lips leading Spencer to turn around toward me puzzled as I handed Spencer her drink.

"She just told me a joke, don't worry," I assured Spencer walking back to my seat.

Emily sat back down next to me while passing Aria's drink back to her before placing her arm behind me on the couch. I looked at her sharply without her arm moving an inch.

"So guys, spill. I feel like I've been the only one talking about dating and love lives, and all of you guys are stuck in a damn haze! What happened to everyone dating whomever we wanted freshman year?!" Hanna began ridiculing. Everyone stayed relatively silent until Spencer spoke.

"Like you, Al. How's it going to with who you were talking to?"

"Really well..." I smirked looking around the room, "We've been seeing each other for a while now."

"No shit!" Aria interjected.

"You have to tell us his name now, Ali!"

"Emily." I replied, quietly.

"What about her, Alison?" Spencer asked, "You don't have to clear who you're currently dating with your ex."

"Yeah, you and Emily already settled everything. I'm sure she's fine with it. Right, Em?" Aria suggested.

"No, no, I'm perfectly fine with it." Emily finished with a laugh.

"Well damn, Em. You sure don't seem like it!" Hanna exclaimed.

"No, guys. You didn't hear me the first time..."

"Yeah we did, and Emily's decided to be an ass about it again," Spencer muttered.

I raised my voice to shut Spencer down quickly, "Woah, woah, woah, Spence. You didn't hear me."

"She's dating me, Spencer." Emily interrupted, reaching over to wrap her arm around my waist. "I am the he she's been talking to. I am the he she is currently seeing. It's me."

"Wait! For real?" Hanna stated, looking around as though she was being Punk'd.

Aria immediately started running to Spencer's bedroom.

"Wait, Ar!" Spencer said going behind her. "Don't look at the bets without me!"

I looked over at Emily to whisper, "You've got to be kidding me..."

Emily started laughing all over again as she pulled me in tighter for a kiss on the cheek. "They've changed just as little as we have, beautiful."

Hanna looked up at us grinning from ear to ear, "Gah, I knew it! I was way smarter with my play this year. Please tell me you haven't been dating long!"

Aria and Spencer huddled around the foot of the couch as they returned with the slip of paper. "Same rules applied. The bet counts from the day you guys started dating, not the date you told us." Spencer clarified.

"I'm still very offended that we've never been asked to place our bets though. Right, babe?" I asked, leaning further into Emily's chest.

Hanna began reading the paper, "Spencer: November 18th, Hanna: October 12th, Aria: November 8th."

"Wow, you guys all kept the bets really close together this time!" Emily added.

"We don't need to hear the chit-chat, Em! We need the date, come on!" Hanna prodded impatiently.

Emily and I looked at each other intently before turning back to face the girls and simultaneously saying, "October 6th."

"YAAAAAASSSSSSSS!" Hanna immediately started jumping up and down. "I DID IT! God, I so knew your old anniversary date was the winner! You guys are so predictable!"

The girls continued discussing reasons for their guesses and turning back to get the scoop from Emily, while I remained content in my own thoughts. Two years ago, I relished this same moment. A time when my friends around me celebrated and I leaned back to try and remember the feeling of Emily's arm around me. This time though, I knew I needed to do more than that.

I turned toward Emily as she told the entire story of us getting together to Aria and Hanna. I noted her dimples and pursed smile. I focused on her hand in mine and the way the pressure of her thumb felt against my palm. I reflected on her lips against mine, her hand on my cheek. I sunk into her arms as they wrapped along my torso and realized that above anything else, I desired nothing more than to be with this woman forever.

* * *

**A/N: And there you have it! It is officially the end of More Like Her. This was the first full-length story I ever wrote, so it has a special place in my heart. I hope you all enjoyed :)  
**

**The sequel, _Turn Your Face,_ will be posted on Tuesdays and Fridays as well to take the place of this story. As always Read. Comment. Vote. Pass Along.**

**Thank you all for all of your support.  
**

**All my love,**

**secretpen28**


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